best dating quiz ever!

No, not at all actually.

Quiz Guy says: "I had some doubts about meeting someone decent on Craigslist, but I thought I'd check it out. The women4men section yielded nothing worth responding to. Now I did notice someone had a quiz. It was lame so I didn't answer. I made my own:

1. First things first, what's your excuse for being here?

a. Sheer entertainment. But the post was interesting so I had to respond.

b. Sheer entertainment. The post was interesting and I had to respond, but I have no intent in ever meeting you.

b. I can't con anyone into going out with me in real life.

c. I can't find anyone to go out with in real life, because every guy I have run into is the same, typical, sacramento-area asshat.

d. I can't find anyone to go out with in real life because I am a pretentious twit.

e. Who needs an excuse to be here? In fact, once we do meet, I will enthusiastically announce to everyone this is where we met!

Our answer is: To make fun of you and others like you. Also, you put "b." twice dipwad.

2. How long does it take you to get ready for work?

a. Work? As in, a job? Not applicable!

b. 10 minutes. I barely even brush my teeth. Brushing the top row is good enough. (Does anyone really do that?)

c. 11-90 minutes.

d. 90+ minutes. I have to look good... gotta have SOME way to compensate for my mediocre work performance.

Our answer is: This is a stupid question.

3. What is your educational level?

a. High school

b. GED (Good Enough Diploma!)

c. Bachelors

d. Masters

e. PhD, JD, MD, etc. (but I am not a dork)

f. PhD, JD, MD, etc. (and yes, I am better than you for it.)

Our answer is: c. BS in piratry. We've got the "Aaarrggh" to prove it.


4. What is your occupational status?

a. None, still in school.

b. Still in school, but have a job, thus I have no time to actually hang out with you.

c. Still in school, have a job, and still have time to hang out with you because hey, who needs sleep?

d. No more teachers, no more books. I work.

e. I work and it is my life.

f. I have a sugar-daddy. But he's too old to take care of *some* things if you know what I mean, so that's why I'm on Craigslist.

g. I got laid off. Thanks George W. Bush.

h. I'm on welfare and love it. Thanks Bill Clinton.

i. Unemployed trust fund baby!

Our answer is: It doesn't matter because we don't want to hang out with you. Ever.


5. How do you like your job?

a. Eh, It pays the bills, because we don't all have a sugar-daddy, welfare, or trust fund.

b. It sucks, and I will make sure you hear about it every...single...day.

c. It sucks, but it's a means to an end, and how I spend the rest of my time keeps me sane.

d. It's a good job. I think I make the world a better place.

e. It's a good job. Selling cocaine makes the world a better place.

f. It's my dream job.

Our answer is: e. and f.


6. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?

a. Go out? As in, have a social life? Not applicable!

b. 10 minutes. I'm secretly a man.

c. 11-90 minutes.

d. 90+ minutes. And you will wait, and like it, because that is just the beginning of my high maintenance regime. Wait 'til you see the purse I have purchased to carry my fu-fu fluffy ass dog in.

Our answer is: b. and d. Because we're secretly a high maintenance man.

7. On that note, what kind of pets do you have?

a. Pets? No thanks, I'm allergic.

b. None, I live in a place with a totalitarian management regime that prohibits any animal companionship.

c. One cat. That's all I need.

d. One small dog. I have to have something to put in my dog purse.

e. One large dog. Because I have possible underlying insecurity issues.

f. Multiple cats. Cat lady in training, hell yes.

g. Multiple dogs. Because I love spending hours repairing/restoring the furniture destroyed in my house.


Our answer is: A faithful parrot. Every pirate has a parrot. It's a requirement of the BS program in piratry.


8. What are you looking for in a guy?

a. A guy? As in, a male? Sorry, lesbian here. Not applicable!

b. Anyone NOT like my ex.

c. Hmm, not sure, I play things by ear and determine compatibility as I meet people.

d. I have a long list of requirements for a guy. See above answer about my being a pretentious twit.

Our answer is: Must be an adept at swabbing a deck. Speaking pirate is a plus.


9. What is your ideal vacation?

a. Who needs a vacation when you don't have a job!

b. Vacation? Who has time for a vacation?

c. My job is a vacation.

d. Going to Grandma's in Altoona.

e. Going to the beach to catch up on reading and catch some melanoma.

f. Going to another country.

g. Going on some outdoor expedition trip. I like vacations that leave me more exhausted than I was before I left.

h. Going on a humanitarian mission because someone, somewhere needs 1000 pairs of shoes dropped off in their village.


Our answer is: b. Coke addicts never take a break from needing coke. Ugly things could happen if we took a vacation.


10. What kind of music do you like?

a. Music? Who has time for music? (Can anyone be too busy for music? It kind of does all the work for you. Being dead is the only excuse for this. Rotting doesn't leave a lot of time for other activities.)

b. Stuff you have never heard of. Because I'm on the cutting edge of what's good.

c. Stuff you have never heard of. I make sure to listen to that, because it makes me feel like I'm better than everyone else.

d. Whatever's on the radio. I'm not picky.

e. Whatever I can download illicitly for free.

f. I MAKE music. And I'm damn good.

g. I make music, and I'm not that good, but I can definitely rock it with a didgeridoo.

Our answer is: 70's Porn Music.


11. What do you do to keep healthy?


a. Ummm what?

b. Work out incessantly. I vill break you.

c. Work out enough, but definitely don't have veins popping out of my forearms.

d. Who needs to work out when you have these genes!

e. Who needs to work out when you never eat?

f. I don't have time for that crap.

g. I have a gym membership, and I will start using it soon. I know that was my New Year resolution in 2008, but I mean it this time.

Our answer is: Coke and orgies do the trick.

12. What are your thoughts on religion?

a. It's a crutch for people who can't think for themselves.

b. It's something I was raised with, but don't give a damn about now. Pun intended.

c. I go to church every week. Sometimes more than once. In fact, I'm late for it right now. Praise tha lawd.

d. I only go to church on major holidays, because I know "God" will forgive me for not going more often, so why bother?

e. I am spiritual but not religious, because I have things figured out and don't need someone preaching it.

f. I belong to a religion you've never heard of. But we did have a compound in Waco, Texas a while back....


Our answer is: c.

13. You and I take a trip to BeverageLand. It's 5 p.m. What do you get?


a. Water. I'm a square.

b. A sports drink. Because I don't realize that those are only for physical activity lasting 45 minutes or longer....

c. Juice.

d. Tea. Honest Tea.

e. Coffee. Caffeine addicts, unite!

f. A pint of pilsner. I was Bavarian in a past life.

g. A pint of Guinness. I was Irish in a past life.

h. A shot of vodka. I was Polish in a past life.

i. A glass of Absinthe. I just watched Eurotrip and just have to see what all the fuss is about.

j. A fruity, girl drink that contains more sugar than alcohol.

Our answer is: Something strong to help you seem interesting.


14. Can you cook?


a. Do ramen noodles count?

b. No, but I will do the dishes if you do.

c. No. Cooking would mean getting my hands dirty. Ew.

d. Yes. But I'm terrible, though you will be expected to pretend to like it.

e. Yes, it's my job!

f. Yes, but I can only bake desserts. I realize that does you no good except having something to bring to holiday office parties.

g. Yes, and I would make that Rachael Ray tramp cower in fear of my casseroles.

Our answer is: You best cook for your damn self and clean the dishes.

15.How are you in the bedroom?

a.The way you ride a thouroughbread should be copied by every woman that wants to keep a man.

b.You give the best oral in the world your mouth brings more pleasure than any one man can handle and u like doing it.

c.You give good oral but you dont like to do it only if the guy is lucky.

d.Your nothing but a mammal and you just like to be bent over like they do on the discovery channel.

e. you like girls also and your against the saying that 3 is a crowd
f.You failed kindergarten and you dont want to share.

Our answer is: You're a douche.


16. Can you dance?


a. Are you kidding? White girls can't dance!

b. Only when severely intoxicated.

c. Yes, but I only do it when no one is around. Though I admittedly gawk at myself in the mirror while doing it a la Footloose.

d. Yes, especially at raves, while sucking on a glowstick and popping *E.

e. Yes, I would make the cut for Dancing With the Stars, but they once paired me with David Hasselhoff's hairy chest so that was the end of that.

Our answer is: We can dance.  <--right click and open in a new tab.


17. What kind of first date is ideal?


a. Anything involving food.

b. A movie, because having an actual conversation is entirely overrated.

c. Coffee. I will have my laptop and sudoku puzzles with me in case things get lame.

d. Beer. Football. Tailgate. What more could one ask for?

e. Anything with an adrenaline rush.

f. None of the above. I answered before that I wasn't meeting you, so get the hint already. For whatever reason I wanted to continue answering this quiz because I have no life.

Our answer is: Wrestling gators. You get to go first.

There. That's all I can think of at the moment. Feel free to add your own creative answers if mine don't work for you. Go ahead and attach a picture too, because I'm not a fan of surprises... like facial hair on a woman."

Here's a recent picture. The lighting wasn't very flattering....

*Studs of Craigslist does not sell or condone the selling of illegal substances. All answers are made up. Photograph provided does not belong to Studs of Craigslist. It is of some other weirdo.

http://modesto.craigslist.org/m4w/2670414802.html

COMFORTABLY DISTURBED - 27

It's been a while since we've had a Craigslist lunatic on the site.

For all those Chris Farley fans out there that have always wanted to date a man that lives in a van down by the river...  

Hardcore Radical Extremist says: "My brain seems to be defective (Oh, good). I haven't worked in a decade, I'm lazy, I'm depressed, I get high everyday, I don't really like people and I live in a van (okay...). I'm also a hardcore radical extremist (I'm anti-federal government, anti-federal reserve, anti-government schools, anti-globalist, anti-TV, anti-fast food, anti-beef, anti-pork, anti-GMO, anti-aspartame, anti-MSG, anti-hydrogenated oils, anti-BPA, anti-fluoride, anti-microwave ovens, anti-smart phones, anti-vaccines, anti-most pharmaceuticals, anti-detergent soap, anti-deodorant, anti-compact fluorescent light bulbs, anti-a lot of stuff and there's a list of things I would never allow in my house/van and an even longer list of stuff I will passionately freak out about) (Strangely enough we're anti all those things too yet manage to not live in a van down by the river, be depressed, or addicted to drugs) but I think that's normal (Of course you do). I know they've brain damaged the public and are setting up a global government to exterminate everybody. I live in reality.

If that hasn't turned you off, nothing else about me will (Don't be so sure about that, there's more awesomeness to come). I'm not what you'd expect when you think of a bum living in a van. I drink my Tangy Tangerine multivitamin everyday, I brush my teeth every night, I even floss and use baby wipes so I don't get stinky butt. I'm not hard to get along with, I'm easy to talk to, honest, don't like confrontation and will not participate in yelling matches. I'm someone who feels bad for even thinking about doing something that isn't honorable. I do what's right not because of the consequences but because I couldn't sleep at night if I wronged somebody. I have nothing but contempt for police and all laws that wouldn't be considered common. I've been the suspect of more hot pursuits than I'd care to recall so I'm not the type of person who feels the need to jump out an airplane. I've had enough excitement here on the ground. I'm not sure how I survived my young adulthood but the propensity for me acting recklessly is something that exists and will persist. I use to be wild but now I'm mild. I'm a cat person who listens to talk radio, takes trips to historic sites and use to own chickens. I exercise when I live indoors, do a lot of hiking and ATV/Motorcycle riding so I can't see myself with a super heavy chick. Riding on trails out in the mountains is and will probably always be my favorite activity. I'm good with kids but if you have any of your own, that's too bad because I tried that a couple times and I'll never date a mother again unless the father was dead or as good as dead. So by now you should've been able to decide our compatibility. I'm not against just being friends because I am very, very bored. Like most homeless people, I'm doing a lot gamblin' and drinkin' so I have plenty of free time for whatever (Like more gamblin' and drinkin'! Maybe pick up some meth while you're at it).

SATIRE: I have greater aspirations then to live in this van poopin' in a bag of kitty liter the rest of my life. One day, I'd like to move into a bigger van or by the grace of god, a trailer. I'll move into some sun baked park out in the desert, start having babies and getting John Denver drunk. I know one day that special someone I knocked up will come along and slip that special something into my drink and I'll find myself at the Liquor/Tattoo/Wedding Chapel downtown. From that point forward it'll only be legitimate welfare babies and half a case of Natty Ice a day for me. The stains on my wife beater will spell out responsibility. That was chapter one. Do you want chapter two? You better you son of bitch, I know the way.

I don't know why living in a van arouses so much fear the domesticated public. Just because I cruise by the playground real slow blasting the ice cream jingle doesn't mean I'm going to snatch your kid and hit the interstate. When I'm prowling through your neighborhood at night, it doesn't mean I'm about to strip and start streaking through backyards. You're not going to catch me spooning your dog. It ceases to amaze me they start a Federal investigation every time I park outside a federal building with some of my Iranian buddies. And those screaming women you see me dragging in the back of my van are good friends of mine. It's not like I have a place out in the desert where I dump bodies and beat off. You're the only one thinkin' that way, lady.

WRITER COMMENTARY: If you need to say "I'm not trying to be a bitch" than you probably are one all the time. If you looked at my anti-list and thought "this crazy man thinks light bulbs are bad" than you are in very real and deadly danger. Google "water fluoridation, vaccine danger, aspartame" and today's the day you become a paranoid schizophrenic. Commercial authoritarianism has enslaved the western world. The federal government and the multi-national corporations that own it, work together to poison you through food, water, vaccines, drugs and they use public education and the television set to control your mind. If you don't know the TV is the greatest weapon of war ever invented than you are living in a false reality. What you think is true and false, right and wrong, safe and dangerous has been manipulated upside down, your thoughts aren't even your own, you believe you've come to conclusions when in true reality; the TV has implanted these ideas while you were in a highly suggestible hypnotized state. If you have kids and ignore my warning, shame on you and you'll suffer terribly for it.

I spent sometime with children and I feel like I should share some of this because I'm bored. If you think a five year old can't out smart you than you are pathetically ignorant. I've witnessed reasoning skills showed by your average five year old that actually made me feel threatened. They can understand concepts a lot of the brain damaged adults can't grasp.

My ex had two kids and when this radical came into their lives they would say "McDonald's Yay!" when we'd drive by one and were exactly like what you think children are, if you believe in the television set. I'm hardcore, so I explained to them why I would never take them to McDonald's or wouldn't give them candy or other junk food. They didn't take it too hard because I love playing in the woods and going to the playground. I'm basically a really big kid myself when it's not my duty to be a man. I practice what a preach so the candy gave way to dried fruit, and after weeks of watching me eat heaping piles of vegetables, guess who started saying they wanted to eat nothing but vegetables for dinner? I didn't even have to try and in a very short time the kids wanted to eat healthy and would say "bad McDonald's bad!" I'm pretty sure it only worked out so swimmingly because I believe in what I say and do. They want to imitate the people they admire in their lives and are a mirror image of their environment. You can't tell a child to "eat right and exercise" then sit in front of the TV, smokin' ciggies and eating chocolate. If you do that you'll send a TV watching, ciggy smokin' diabetic adult out into the world.

If you think not taking a child to McDonald's is somehow depriving them of something then you're a sad person (Actually have to agree with that). You're so brainwashed you think children can't live without corn syrup and plastic play lands. If society is the body then McDonald's is the cancer. I know I'm terrible person but instead of McDonald's we stood in volcano calderas, explored lava tubes and the redwoods, swam in mountain rivers underneath waterfalls, picked bouquets of wild flowers for their mom and did other stuff that human's use to do. You know? The kind of stuff that sets a young mind on fire with creativity and wonderment. The exact opposite of the false reality you live in and can keep. Obviously, I'm not perfect and I definitely have my shortcomings and less than appealing personality traits but compared to most, I'm a god among men.

If you're FAT you'll want to read this. Living in a van is very hard on the body. I'm sure you noticed that it's been getting cold out. Try waking up outside every day. No, really, give it a try. Last winter I had no idea what living outside would do to me. After two weeks, I noticed I was losing weight, and no matter what I did, I was always cold and hungry. I started eating as much as I possibly could since I was hungry all the time and it had no effect on my weight loss. In a little over three weeks, I went to the doctor and got weighed. I had lost twenty pounds in three weeks without exercise and while actually trying to eat as much food as possible. That's incredible (That's crack for ya). It you set up a tent in the yard and actually try to lose weight, I bet you would lose weight so fast you'd die. When I stopped spending so much time outside, luckily the weight loss stopped because if I lost another five pounds, I would've had zero percent body fat and I don't think I would've stopped losing weight. So if you start spending most of the day indoors you're not going to get the desired results.

Last but not least, if you're addicted to food and don't think you could ever sit down and enjoy a heaping pile of veggies for dinner, all you need to do is not eat for at least three days. By the second day of fasting you'll notice you're a little slower than usual but also that your hearing, smell, and taste will be at peak functioning ability. It's really cool if you never went without eating for a few days. It totally eliminates depression too (Refer back to the first paragraph of this ad please). I'm guessing it's your body's way of asking you nicely not to die. After three days of not eating, a raw carrot will make you drool all over yourself and you're ready to start your new diet. Your body is naturally addicted to high fat food so whatever you do, stay away from unhealthy foods or you'll have to starve yourself again and that's not the healthiest thing for your body.

If you witnessed the evolution of this ad, you can tell I've just about reached the max boredom level for Reno. It hasn't been so bad but it hasn't been so good either. When you drive your house around you have the freedom to move to another state or country on a whim (yeah, I got a passport) so if you're thinkin' about meeting this weirdo then I wouldn't sit on the fence for a month.

Pictures: Left to right, [Censored] I forgot the spineless public has a seizure when they see I civilian with a gun so you'll just have to trust me. I guess a picture of me pulling a chick's pants down isn't the best picture for a personal ad but this picture does speak volumes (What exactly is it speaking volumes of that you want people to know? Just curious). The next picture hopefully says I'm not dangerously insane and melts your heart (No, it says someone out there is crazier than you). I designed that Jack-O'-Lantern myself and cut it out perfectly in one try because I'm awesome. Happy Halloween!"

Ya know if you weren't a drug addicted alcoholic you just might be able to contribute to making the change in society you'd like to see. It really doesn't make sense to be vehemently against government approved poisons, into healthy eating and vitamins, just to get drunk and high everyday. That's pretty effin stupid. Just say'n.

http://reno.craigslist.org/m4w/2662012703.html

Come stay the night - 19

19 Year Old Guy says: "Looking for a cool cute chick to stay with me tonight. Hang out watch movies drink if u want get to know each other and see how it goes. Not looking for a one night stand."

Afterwards when he doesn't return your calls, texts, or emails it'll be because his sick grandmother was attacked by squirrel monkeys while fervently seeking out a cure for textaphrenia in Tibet. He forgot his phone in the haste of packing to be by dear granny's side and the closest internet connection is a three week hike through the scorching heat of a desert riddled with giant poisonous scorpions....Not because it was a one night stand. It's true, we swear.

http://monterey.craigslist.org/m4w/2664154650.html



wed morning sex - 32

Are you free Wednesday morning? Say 8 or so for about 5 minutes?

Has a Busy Schedule says: "looking for something short term...coffee then sex"

That's about as short term as it gets!

Coffee use to be code for sex. Guess people weren't catching on. Had to get a little more specific. Maybe drop the coffee all together and just say sex. That way no one's surprised when there isn't any coffee...

http://santabarbara.craigslist.org/m4w/2633376971.html

Documentary: My Penis and Everyone Else's

This documentary was not found on Craigslist and is not related to Craigslist. According to a description provided by the BBC "...he (Lawrence Barraclough, the director) attempts to pinpoint the relationship between penis size and how guys see themselves as men." Perhaps it will help us better understand the studs we find on Craigslist and why they are so compelled to share images of their member with everyone.

*Warning: Video is NOT pornographic but does contain some nude images of male genitalia. The words penis and dick are said frequently throughout the documentary. And at about 35 minutes you can see incisions being made during a penis enlargement surgery. Some may consider this part graphic. View at your own discretion.

Directed by Lawrence Barraclough

*Video belongs to whoever created it. Studs of Craigslist does not have any rights to the video. 

girls!

Species unimportant.

"hmm..cute girls message me? i like short/small/tiny girls. :P my name is darren. (i'm not spam) and i just hateee feeling lonely. :/ so message me on here, text me (seven zero two) three five five six five four three, or fb (facebook.com/dreamcity628)."

Seems they've grown apart.

http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/m4w/2665394160.html

I thought I found what I was looking for...

Mike says it all for us.

Mike says: "... but it turns out I was wrong. So here I am... trying again.

WARNING: This post is not for the meek or super sensitive. I guarantee that it will offend about 90% of you viewing it right now. Therefore, I'm interested in the 10% of females that it doesn't offend.

Greetings and salutations, ladies! My name is Mike. Hello there. I'm a sexy, single, eligible bachelor. I'm 38 years old. Which is one step closer to 40. Which is one step closer to winding up in senior housing alone unless I find a suitable mate. Which is why I am here pimping myself on the Internet. GO ME! And since we all die in 2012, I better hurry the hell up, right? Right.

This post is long. Which means I can talk and hold a conversation. I'm just forewarning you. If, by the end of this, you don't get me or my humor, than CLEARLY you should not contact me. Do I need to state the obvious? You'd be surprised at some of the responses I get. So, yes, I need to state the obvious.

In my former life, I was a radio personality working in radio broadcasting for about 15 years or so. But now I work for a great company called Honey Bucket. I service and maintain portable restrooms. True story! What can I say? I'm extreme! That's how I roll! I like using exclamation points, too! And like with every job (including my previous radio career), I deal with shit all day. *drum roll, cymbal crash* Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your servers!

I've pretty much been single all my life. However, I have sustained a few long-term relationships over the years. I've never been married and I have no children. However, it's quite possible that I have an illegitimate love child or two running about in a Wal*Mart somewhere in this great nation of ours.

Yet, there is no denying I'm a sexy beast. And a great kisser from what I've been told. (Thanks mom! I'm KIDDING!) You know what else makes me sexy, ladies? Well, a couple of things. Actually, a list of things. While I'm writing this list, I might want to make a grocery list. I'm out of some stuff.

Bread, milk, butter, toothpaste, Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream, Lay's Salt & Vinegar potato chips, beer... oh wait, I was composing a personal post, huh?

#1: I have a GREAT sense of humor. That's right, I said GREAT. G-R-E-A-T. When you and I go out on our first date, I'll bring by a squad of cheerleaders to spell that out. Of course, today's modern youth will simplify that spelling with some sort of cyber speak, I'm sure. "Gimme a "G", gimme an "R", give me the number "8"!"

#2: I have a job. That in itself makes me hot and desirable, huh? Damn straight. It's not just a job, it's an adventure. I mean, COME ON! The elite portable restroom industry provides funny (and gross) stories to last a lifetime. I even wear a stylish uniform. And women love a man in a uniform.

#3: I have my own place. Finally, no more asking mom and dad if I can bring a girl home. BWHAHAHAHAHA! I reside in a cool apartment in Sugar House. Or is it Salt Lake? I'm like right on the edge of the two areas. I'm in Salt Sugar. Or Lake House. Or Sugar Lake. Whatever.

#4: I have my own car. Actually, I just bought myself a new pickup truck. Well, new to me. It's a 2000 Ford F-150 4x4 nicknamed "Whitey Ford". Not because I'm racist but because it's a white Ford. Get it? It's a play on words! I had other ideas and suggestions for the nickname like Harrison, Gerald, Henry, Lita, Betty and Canta.

#5: I don't have a drug problem (although this post might make you think otherwise) and never have. I have tried pot four times in my life. Two of those times created legendary... EPIC... tales.

#6: I'm disease free with a suitable penis. The only real physical problem with me is dry skin. And sometimes heartburn. Possibly some mental issues, too. I just recently had my gall bladder removed, as well. So if you're hot for guys with gall bladders, don't look here.

#7: I don't care for sports and very rarely find the need to watch them. This could be a good or bad thing. I do enjoy going to or watching a basketball or hockey game. I'm not so big on football nor do I understand it at all. However, I am open to some insight and education. Cut me some slack here because I was raised by a single mom who is just as oblivious to sports as I am.

#8: I'm not religious. Much like the sports thing, this could be good or bad. I'm not closed-minded about religion, mind you. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty much an Atheist. Could I interest you in some information about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

#9: I'm also the following things - witty, charming, loving, caring, sharing, smart, honest, open, direct, forward, outgoing, creative, fun, exciting, seductive, a hopeless romantic and cute. And, apparently, full of myself.

Oh, but don't worry. I have more than enough faults, too. Let's see...

I'm a man. That seems to be the biggest fault women seem to have with me. Therefore, I belch and fart. It's just a part of my species. I sometimes forget to put the toilet seat down. I can be lazy. I can be late. I can just not care either way. I can be argumentative. I can be cranky/grouchy (especially when I haven't had coffee). I can be quiet and moody. I can be irrational. I can be outrageous. I can be embarrassing. I'm completely awful with my finances.

So, like YOU, I can be very much human. Anyway, I'm looking for someone who takes my breath away every time I look at or think about her. Not just with her looks but with her inner beauty... with her style... with her street smarts... with her intelligence... with her humor... with her sensuality... with her naughtiness... with her sexuality... with her taste in music... with her love of films...

I think you get the picture.

By the way, I have a HUGE thing for redheads. Second to that would be those black haired raven beauties. Coming in third would be brunettes. So, blonds, I'm sorry... you come in fourth.

But I'm not going to exempt someone as my possible perfect match and life partner just because of her hair color. That's just retarded. But redheads get first dibs on The Mike (Oh why oh why could we not be a redhead? Those lucky b...).

In closing, I'd like to highlight some guidelines and deal breakers. Are you ready? Here we go:

Please NO women who aren't completely over their ex-lovers, boyfriends or husbands.
Please NO former strippers/escorts/hookers/whores/tramps/sluts/bitches/full-blown skanks. (If you're somewhat of a skank, that's cool.)
Please NO smokers.
Please NO douche bags.
Please NO airheads.
Please NO flakes.
Please NO fakes.
Please NO liars.
Please NO women who utilize heavy doses of cleavage to get attention.
Please NO ALL CAPS typists.
Please NO cyber speakers (i.e.: supplementing "u" for "you", "r" for "are", etc.).
Please NO cockteases.
Please NO reh-tards.
Please NO non-sense of humor types. (i.e.: not laughing at ANYTHING I've posted within the confines of this post. I mean, COME ON?! I know there has to be a few of you who know what I'm saying, right? And laughing, too.)
Please NO gold diggers.
Please NO women with pictures involving kissy/puckering lip/pouty/tee-hee-I-think-I'm-so-hot faces/poses.
Please NO women with pictures involving last year's (or ANY year, for that matter) slutty Halloween costume.
Please NO women who still use "Glamour Shot" pics/scanned/blurry pics or cheesy bathroom mirror pics. (REALLY?! Get a fucking tripod already!) (You really expect people to get a tripod to take pictures of themselves?)
Please NO illegal immigrants. I'm not here to get you a green card. (However, all LEGAL residents {no matter what country of origin or race} are welcome to hit me up.)
Please NO drug users (This includes pot, stupid.)
Please NO hugely religious types (This includes Mormons, stupid.)
Please NO overly tattooed/pierced types (If you're decorated in so much ink like a goddamn Jackson Pollack painting and pierced so much that it takes DAYS for you to pass through airline security, UGH!)
Please NO bad grammar types.
Please NO haters of "South Park" or "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
Please NO lovers of the "Twilight" series or of vampires, in general.
Please NO women that consider themselves "juggalettes".
Please NO lovers of texting/instant messaging/emailing as your only form of communication.
Please NO huge gamer types.
Please NO lovers of "permanent makeup" (i.e.: WHAT in THE HELL happened to your eyebrows?!)
Please NO women from Utah (This one is negotiable if you're NOT a typical Utah woman. Incidentally, I AM from Utah but truly feel like a stranger in a strange land.

There. That about covers it. Please reply with a picture, some charm and the words "GO MIKE GO" in your subject line so I know you read this and aren't goddamn spam. Thank you!"

Man that phone is old. You know you can pick up a phone for under 20 bucks just about anywhere these days. There are these new cool phones that don't even use cords. Think it's magic or something.

http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/m4w/2663540877.html

GL College Student Seeks Similar - 37

We'll just get straight to it today. What we have here is some schmuck who thinks he can use psychology to fool a woman into becoming involved with him. Enjoy.

Good Looking Male says: "Educated and sensitive good looking man seeks woman of similar quality. Im a single dad, in college majoring in psychology and 3 credits from my senior year. I love the outdoors, being active, snowboarding and kid friendly activities. Have a good relationship with my ex and try to have fun in the few free hours away from school and parenting. Working on my social skills, not great at meeting new people and was in a ltr for 5 years. Amazing with my hands and skilled as a handyman. I have spent time in the Army and as a volunteer firefighter. I have very little hope for meeting my "ideal" match through a craigslist ad, but am no stranger to fate and its workings so who knows. Plus, Im bored, like to email and chat with people that are not 4 years old. Have very few social outlets or ways to acquire them besides school. New in town, not much to do here, would like someone that would enjoy hanging out. I'd prefer someone who is average to fit or in shape as they would more easily fit into my lifestyle and expectations for a partner. Ok wait, seriously, Im going to try an sum up who I am and what Im looking for in a paragraph? I think not. Chemistry is most important and that will take seeing your pic and meeting sometime, possibly checking out each others social networking site for some similarities, who knows?. So, who really goes looking to meet people on craigslist? Lets find out.
Shane
Oh yeah, I would love to meet someone that is cool.

PS HOLY CRAP! My email blew up with spam like 2 seconds after posting, seriously, like 3 emails in less than a minute. If your real can you please include a pic or something in the subject line? Ahh the joys of using craigslist.

PS I have gotten quite a few responses from some wonderful sounding women but unfortunately haven't found quite what Im looking for. I apologize to anyone that I haven't gotten back to yet, I didn't realize how many women were looking for a single attractive guy :) "

For starters being 37 and 3 credits away from your senior year in a psychology program means a whole lot of absolutely nothing. A BA in psychology brings in less than a teacher's salary. Sooo you have at least 5 more years of going to school full-time before this is actually impressive OR you can get into a time machine,  go back to your 20's, and try this speel again. It'll be much more effective that way.

Moving on...

Does anyone want to meet someone that is not cool? "Hey, thanks for responding to my ad but you're cool and I don't like cool people." No.

You're not going to be able to tell if you have chemistry with someone through a photograph. Being that you are a person who is supposedly interested in psychology one would think that you'd understand chemistry goes far beyond physical attraction.

Which brings us to our most important point...Regardless of how many times you tell us that you are good looking or attractive we can still see that you are not. Give it a rest.

http://spokane.craigslist.org/m4w/2645406626.html

Let's cre8 millions & share an unparalleled life adventure!

Cancerian-Ox says: "I'm still looking for the love of my life... who is open to learning and change. I am a vibrant, healthy, fit, non-smoking (quit March `94), non-drinking (quit that too) (This morning) , drug & std-free, 6' 190# semi-retired (?) SWM Cancerian-Ox who enjoys living a sober, unadulterated lifestyle. I'm looking for a partner to share activities, adventures, sensual kissing & Tantric/Kama Sutra attentions/pleasures too.

I own DRAGON REALTY company and am involved in a variety of real estate and business start-up venture projects (Meaning he has plans for anything you might have in savings but don't worry you'll cre8 millions together). I have many interests; Tai-Chi, Kung Fu, cooking, living foods, organic fruit, vegetable & herb gardening, horticulture, renewable energy, camping, fishing, shooting, hunting, golf, walking, casual bicycling, fun tennis, volleyball, exploring, beach combing, swimming, diving, treasure hunting, etc...

I may be forced to become politically active if our so-called representatives don't stop their greed/corruption, eliminate their graft, multiple full pensions for part-time service, elitist healthcare benefits, conversion of funds, and sweetheart government contracts for supporters that place their interests above those of us they're supposed to be representing..."

No need to worry about that political stuff. We've got it on good word the government is going to start being honest October 26th at midnight. Guess greed and corruption just got old...

http://portland.craigslist.org/clc/m4w/2651153150.html

Ease up with the razor!

Found a request from a stud while browsing the personals this morning.

Anonymous Stud says: "OK, ladies. There's "trimming the hedges" and then there's "scorching the earth". Not that I mind a clean plate but cooler weather is setting in so you can leave a little up top now, alrighty? :) "

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/m4w/2656072399.html

Looking for a MILF or cougar to make out with

Look past a few quirks and you may find yourself a winner here.

Pack'n Rubbers says: "I am looking for a nice looking cougar or MILF to make out with and hopely to make love too. I am a clean and D&D free male. I am looking for a white woman who is clean, well groomed, DD free and who can host. I can be descreet if I have too. One thing is, I love to get wet and messy or WAM for short. I like smear food on each others shirt and make out, this helps me to get it up. I will pay for dry cleaning or wash your shirt!!!! just dont wear white or light grey, lol. I will be packing the rubbers. I will trade pictures of my face after you e-mail me, hope to see you around. Please put "BBQ SAUCE STAIN" in the subject box so I know its not spam."

Smearing food on each other's clothes really helps you out down there? It gets you excited in your pants? At least he offers to take care of cleaning up and provides his own prophylactics. He's rather generous and thoughtful don't you think?

Just a thought here but if rubbing food into clothes gets your rocks off then commercials like this would be pornographic for you right? hmm....

*Video is the sole property of Resolve.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/m4w/2656977651.html

any ladies who likes gifts ..mny spnt on thm...loved cared for.?

Probably.

Fabio Male says: "im hoping this round will work...here i am again....Attractive petiete fabio male ..."

Here's a picture of Fabio that we found on the web and a picture of you from your ad.

Now how exactly are you similar? We are also interested in knowing why you are wearing a woman's tank top? And doesn't your junk hurt in those jeans?

http://knoxville.craigslist.org/m4w/2651182017.html

Do tall, lanky, nerdy guys with black rimmed glasses turn you on?

King of Awkward Conversations says: "Does the thought of someone talking about IPv4 addresses during sex get your juices flowing? (nooo....) If so, look no further. Need your computer fixed? I can do that, but it will cost you. . . (That's just lame)
If you want me to spit off some binary, or kick ass at Call of Duty, I can do that too.
(Oh great another guy that's awesome at playing video games. They're so hard to find.)

Too many times nerds get a bad rap. Like they all have cheeto stained fingers, pocket protectors, sniffle a lot, and are ugly. I am here to prove this wrong.
I may be a nerdy guy, but I can still turn some heads, especially at computer conventions (People turn their heads and stare for lots of reasons, most of which are not good ones). My fingers aren't stained with any cheetos (He's more of a cheesy puff kind of guy), but I am the king of awkward conversations.

So if you're up for a little technological foreplay before we get down to something more serious, send me a picture and some info and we'll see what happens.
Let the awkwardness begin!"

"PS. the sad soul below is not me."

Usually don't post pictures unless they are of the Stud, but this one is great.

http://nashville.craigslist.org/m4w/2648293800.html

Ladies, come fatten me up

When you're paying out the yahoo for "affordable" healthcare just go ahead and think about this guy. It'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside that you're pitching in your "fair" share so that everyone can have access to medical care. Yea...

Flabby n Overfed says: "I'm in need of a good looking lady to help fattening me up more by feeding me lots of unhealthy foods. Think of this as extreme pampering in a dom/sub sort of way with me as your flabby, overfed property.

You can do whatever you want with me after you stuff me silly. I'm looking for ladies between the ages of 18 and 40; as long as you look good and can dominant a spoiled fatty like myself, it should be great."

How about just a kick to the nads instead? That's about all we've got to give right now.

http://lafayette.craigslist.org/m4w/2608411504.html

ok seriously ladies

Don't think advertising that the last person ditched you is going to help anything but let's see how it goes.

Got Stood Up says: "ok Ive recieved several emails about my posts and none have came through as of yet I thought one was legitimate so I got ready I shaved my full beard which I have been grooming for the past month Im a little dissappointed now so whoever wants to hang out and can pick me up asap and isnt going to get my hopes up just to dash them down please send me an email with a picture would be nice but with how soon you can be at the front gate to pick me up Im not picky must be DDF and atleast 18 with car Im about to give up hope here please somebody brighten my day?"

Oh come on! He shaved his beard. He'd been working on growing that thing for a whole month!! Someone has to want to pick him up. Right? No? No takers? eh...

At least he'll have growing his beard back to keep him occupied. 

http://portland.craigslist.org/clk/m4w/2644407759.html

LOOKING FOR A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, TIRED OF JUST BEING SINGLE, NEED LTR

Need LTR says: "I'm 49 years old, never married and have no kids, 5ft 7in tall, 150lbs, fit and healthy, long brown hair, brown eyes. I don't drink or use hard drugs any more, quit over 20 years ago."

Brown hair huh? How much of it is brown? Either you're deep in denial or the hard drugs you don't do any more did some pretty serious damage to your memory. Now we wonder if you really don't have kids or just don't remember them.  

http://boise.craigslist.org/m4w/2639913495.html

FUN OFFICE IDEA! - 32

Has Ideas says: "How fun would it be for you to come to my office wearing something cute, yet sexy, and I give you a life insurance quote and while I am doing that, you're fondling my cock and when it's hard you pull it out and start giving me head. You'd have to be discrete and be fully into the role play idea. If you are game to this, put GAME in the subject box and let's talk:)"

Well that sounds like a fantastic time for you. What exactly is in it for us?

Oooh oooh! How about you take pics of us doing it and show all of your friends? Or better yet take a video and upload it to an amateur porn site?! Oh wait that's not fun for us either...

You do realize the porn you watch is about as realistic as Disney princess movies right?

http://annarbor.craigslist.org/m4w/2635280113.html

Hyper-Nerd seeking same

Hyper-Nerd says: "Well, I've used Craigslist to find an apartment, computer, even roller blades; So why not a girlfriend? I like Cartoons and cosplay, Robots and pirates, Magic and Mythology. I'm not some creepy guy who smells like feet though; I do have social skills and normal hobbies like cooking, hockey and shopping.  I'd love to meet someone with similar interests, or at least can tolorate a fair amount of nerdom."

Nothing wrong with nerding it up sometimes...

...but that's a whole lot of nerdiness. Wow. It's a wonder how anyone over the age of 12 could have this much free time on their hands.

http://grandrapids.craigslist.org/m4w/2635087341.html

Save your roofies!

Finally!!! Your prayers have been answered. A man that doesn't require drugging to get into the sack. We know it is no easy task getting guys to drop their pants and roofies aren't cheap! 

No Need for Date Rape says: "I know your game. First Drink - "Roofie". Second drink - "Viagra". WaaLaaa you've got yourself a man-doll with a magic stick to play with all-night long. But that's not necessary - save your pharmaceuticals.

Just buy me a drink or two, I'll become pliable in your manipulative (yet supple) hands. You can tell me a story about how you were wronged by a non-gentleman or that you weren't allowed to eat sugar-laden cereal as a child and I will comfort you. Or you can press my hot buttons. Tell me you like music, art, snowboarding, fine dining, biking, sports, movies, travel or The Daily Show. I'm a sucker for that stuff. Once you've established a common bond I'll be putty in your vise-like (yet well moisturized) hands. Or act like you're impressed by my job, giggle at my attempts to be funny or just flash your pearly white grill. It's as simple as that. None of that carrying me out of a bar on your shoulder routine. It'll be like you dunked me in honey and put me in a room swarming with Spanish Flies. You'll have your way with me and I won't know what hit me.

Send me an e-mail and a photo and I'll reply with a photo of your next conquest."

Get real.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/m4w/2634848077.html

Breast Massage Anyone?

Ummmm, no. We'll pass.

Wants to Touch Some Boobs says: "There is nothing finer than the feel of a nice pair of lovely natural breasts. Would anyone like a nice breast massage?"

But we've got someone for you! http://studsofcl.blogspot.com/2011/07/maybe-we-missed-something.html  It always makes us feel good when we're able to hook our studs up.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/m4w/2625499630.html

swm seeking a friend and let's see where it leads

Has Kids, Car, and Strange Women says: "LOOKING FOR FRIENDS 24 AGES TO 40. Not looking for love just yet.Friends First! I don't want a text buddy forever.After several texts ANDphone conversations and we feel comfortable with each other we can go from there. I'm not looking for a fwb,if that's what you want, sorry. This may be a big turn off but I don't do drugs or drink. I don't care if you drink socially but I'm not gonna babysit you while you get hammered. I like going out to concerts and clubs. I like to dance and people watch. You must be able to hold a conversation. I know I have such high demands,lol. When hanging out, DUTCH! I'm not looking to be used for my money. Don't care if you have a car or kids, I have both. I try to keep my kids out of my social life and I'm sure you can respect that so don't be offended if you don't meet them right away. I have full custody if that's a issue sorry, my kids come first. When I say I'm gonna do something, I do it. I'm not a lier or cheater,player or anything like that. I can be sarcastic so be warned,lol. I like several genres of music except country.I'm a city boy. I had a boat but never used it to go fishing. I don't like camping or most other wilderness activities. I'll go hiking but that's about it when it comes to nature. I love the fall with the leafs changing color. I have my own house. This is not like me at all because I meet people in person but it usually ends up wrong. I'm unfortunatly a magnet for damaged women. Sounds mean, we all have issues but if your still lusting after your married high school sweetheart, I can break it down for you real quick. If your a parent and your parents are raising your kid or kids because you want a social life, no thanks. Mutually Attractive (let's be honest, you have to be physically attracted to someone in a relationship, this doesn't mean that I am shallow). and want a awesome friend that won't let you down then I'm your Gentleman. I'm not looking for love but who knows,right. EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, PUT BALD IS HOT IN SUBJECT OR I WON'T READ IT, WEIRD HUH,LOL.I'm not bald but sometimes shave it down. Also respond with more than 3 words like "what is up" or "how are you?". Tell me about you and what your looking for in a friendship and relationship. I enjoy driving so if you don't have a car that wouldn't stop us from being friends, I'm always the DD."

That's all fine and dandy....

Who the hell are they?

Putting pictures of women (including but not limited to bimbos, your ex wife, weird aunt, and especially mommy) in your personal ad is a sure way to stay single.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/m4w/2631746143.html

Baby Fever

"As I close in on my 40th birthday, I find myself having no children of my own. I cannot tell you how much that bothers me and how much I want to change that. Baby fever has a very strong grip on me. Consequenses be damned, I want to make a baby with someone!

So tell me, is this wrong? Is this intriguing? Or maybe this is completely hot? I look forward to hearing you reply... "

Now maybe we're out of the loop... but when did making babies stop being something that two people who love each other (or at least think so anyway) do and become some casual thing you do on Craigslist? Because it might be hot? Is there something in the water? Was there some movie that made having babies seem cool or sexy? Is this like those commercials for cigarettes that wound up banned? Perhaps the FCC needs to look into the Huggies and Pampers ads...Crack down on TLC and Parenting magazine. What are we missing?!

"Oh little Johnny you're here because things were getting boring in the bedroom. We wanted to try something new....catsuits and shiny spandex just weren't doing it for us anymore." Yea you go ahead and try that out.

*Spoiler Alert*

Nothing ruins your sex life like having a couple of kids!

Cable's damn expensive but it doesn't wake you up on Sundays at 7am. Get yourself some.

http://augusta.craigslist.org/m4w/2612766257.html

In need of some!

"In need of some company on the mountain, dinner, wine, romance, views, fun, bonfire. Send me a pic. Hope to meet you this evening."

Yea right. In need of some unsuspecting person to dispose of in a fire on a mountain is more like it.

Skull Collector was featured on Studs of Craigslist previously. He's included a new picture in his latest ad.

"Ahh...Nothing like hiding a body to get your blood pumping."

http://asheville.craigslist.org/m4w/2624995237.html