Bitter, Lonely, Loser's Apology

We can tell it comes straight from the heart.

Bitter, Lonely, Loser says: "It has been brought to my attention that my last post was offensive. Offensive and overtly sexist. I'm thinking maybe that's why I only got 3 responses.

It seems we have gotten off on the wrong foot, cheeto-eating craigslist weirdos. So stop fingering that bed sore, put down your DNA soaked copy of New Moon, and mute 16 and Pregnant, because it is about time that I apologize to you.

It was never my intention to upset you with my ad. It is none of my business, nor concern, how retarded you are. And honestly, I didn't know you could read. . .

I want you to understand something. Beneath my asshole-ish exterior I'm actually a sweet and sensitive guy. I'm like a teddy bear, trapped inside of a real bear. A half digested dime store Beanie Baby, being forced through the intestinal tract of a rabid, teddy bear murdering machine. But the real bear, the teddy murdering machine, it only ate the stuffed bear to keep it safe. To protect it.
Which doesn't make any sense, because ultimately the real bear has doomed its meek counterpart to become a pile of bear shit. And that is either where the metaphor goes to hell, or where it all comes together. I'll leave that judgment up to you.

Here's the thing, last night I was thinking about how most pretty girls are stupider than all fuck. And I thought, maybe I shouldn't rule them out just because they are dumb. Maybe I should give them a chance. Perhaps I too could turn my brain off, turn on someone else's tv, and watch actors dressed as drill sergeants scream at fat people for a half hour. Or have an in-depth conversation about every boil Angelina Jolie has ever had on her ass. It could be alright, so long as I had some beautiful retard sitting on my lap the whole time.

Right? Right? Maybe.

Then I realized, oh fuck, I just screwed my chances of that with my craigslist post.

'I should apologize. Get back in the good graces of the retard bitch demographic'.

But then I thought about the sex and I decided I just couldn't do it. It would be like fucking a corpse. Or at the very least a coma patient. And if I couldn't fuck my beautiful retard, what good would she be?

None.

Send me an email, I love you already.

-Frank Black"

He meant every word of it.   

http://frederick.craigslist.org/m4w/2513604141.html



Hello, horrible, crazy internet bitches

Yup...You know it's nice that he's upfront with the fact that he's a total douche. A lot of guys like to hide that for a while and then spring it on you later in the relationship.  

We don't usually post such long ads. See them often though. This one is well worth the time. Enjoy : )

Bitter, Lonely, Loser says: "So, Craigslist weirdos, I am single again. (You don't say? can't imagine why...) I hate being single.

And prospects in Frederick, they look bad. Not as bad as Cumberland. About the same as Raleigh. Not as good as Durham... It is a sad state of affairs.

The thing about females is, they are mostly retarded. (Uh huh...?) But they are also the only people with vaginas. And I like vaginas. I want to say it's a paradox but that isn't right. It's just a problem with no solution. Someone once suggested a post-op transsexual, but what are the chances of stumbling across that? Slim.

While I was living in Durham, I'd spend all day in Barnes and Noble (Yes he's that guy. It's shocking, we know), reading my way through the published works of Charles Bukowski and sucking up the free wifi. And every time a pretty girl came in the door she'd go straight for the magazine rack. It never failed. She wouldn't even pick up something cool like a tattoo mag. She'd go straight for some celebrity gossip rag.
Do you know what that does to my penis? It makes him sad. And my brain doesn't like it a whole lot either. When I see a girl grab a People magazine off of a shelf, both my penis and my brain instantly lose all interest in her (What a horrible loss for those women).

Here's what I want. I want a pretty, funny, intelligent nymphomaniac, who reads Burroughs and watches Star Trek TNG (You and every other guy out there...the only difference is most of them have a lot more to offer and enough sense not to go around calling the only people with vaginas derogatory names). Or at least Palahniuk and X Files. Honestly, at this point I'd settle for J. K. Rowling and Aqua Teen.

But the nympho thing? I'm not compromising on that.

Also, it would help if you are a Japanese school girl. And a virgin. And an Atheist. And a vegan. And if you listen to old school punk rock.

Oh, and you have to be completely mentally and emotionally insane.
Now, when I say insane I do mean insane. If I'm not going to, at some point, need to wrestle a kitchen knife out of your hand to keep you from committing hari-kari, I'm not interested. Because history has taught me that I like crazy bitches. Apparently they are what I want (Well you've come to the right place. Craigslist should be crawling with them. If you need knives check Household).

So now you are probably wondering about me (Probably not). You are wondering "who is this godly man, this manly god?". Well, I is this manly god. My name is, errrr, well. . . We will say my name is Frank Black for now. I am Frank Black, and I am fucking amazing in every conceivable way. I am 5'8", in decent shape, and unemployed (Didn't know unemployed was on the list of ways to be amazing. We're sure lots of people with suffering self esteem will be interested in finding that out).

I am an aspiring writer, which is great because it's way easier than being an ACTUAL writer. All I have to do is aspire to write. One day. Eventually. If I feel like it.
I am currently living with my family again. I went broke in NC trying my luck at getting back together with my ex. It didn't work out, and now I sleep on a floor.

Ok, so maybe I'm not awesome. Maybe I'm an aging fuck-up loser punk rock kid (Yes most likely this is the situation).

But I'm funny.

And I will make you dinner while you throw shit at me (Where in your mom's kitchen?). Then we can eat while you accuse me of cheating on you because I had a turkey sandwich in my car.

Tell me that doesn't sound like a fairy tale.


-Frank Black."

If any of it sounds appealing to you don't hesitate to contact Frank. He'll be available. 

http://frederick.craigslist.org/m4w/2510987027.html

Has Hobbies

Not everyone can be what society deems as attractive and that's okay. But if you're not going to try to improve your personal appearance you should at least be interesting. Gotta bring something to the table.

Geekster says: "im trying to find someone who will look past my faults. my hobby's include walking car rides videogames and i absolutely love movies"

Items 1 and 2 are not hobbies. Those are every day activities that people normally do. Furthermore, we imagine the walking you do is to get into your car to ride to the store to buy movies or video games.

(deep in thought while playing WOW)

He's got the right idea with this last picture. Thing 2 in the back there makes him look like a catch.

 http://muskegon.craigslist.org/m4w/2455211741.html

The Third Wheel

Third Wheel says: "All my friends are either married or in commited relationships, so I often feel like the third wheel.  Just looking for someone to hang out with, see what happens. I have a two kids part time."

Hey uh...you can't have kids part-time. It doesn't work that way. You either have kids or don't have kids. It's not a part-time/full-time kind of gig.

We hope that's a scary-laugh face and not a smile. Unless he's showing us his impression of Chandler...that's the only way sharing this photo with the world might make sense.  

http://grandrapids.craigslist.org/m4w/2467730439.html

The Drunken Suitor

It's amazing how drunk people can spell the way they talk.

New to Kalamazooo says: "im new to kalamazooo i just move from chicago.......any lonley bbw /curvy woman wana show me araund..............."

(happy drunk)

(sad drunk)

You sir are clearly intoxicated....often. Got a little picture spot there in the house...smooshed up against the wall in a corner...keeps him off the floor and in the picture. Also provides a convenient place to puke should the need arise.  

http://kalamazoo.craigslist.org/m4w/2501183140.html

must love dogs

Well that's a bit of a double standard now isn't it?

Dejected Hypocrite says: "Hi m justin im a 22 yr old i just got out of a relationship that ennded badly she didnt realy love me. im looking for that speaical some one. im 5;4 200 pounds. you some extra baggedge is ok as long as our not too big "

That last part translates into something like "If you have some extra baggage its ok as long as you are not too big"....we think anyway. His height to weight proportions are equivalent to an obese Oompa-Loompa. What could be considered as too big?

We're picturing something like this....

and if that's what too big means... Then ok. BUT a 5'4", 200lb guy can't be too choosy.

Accompanying music for this post: NOFX-Hotdog in a Hallway

http://maine.craigslist.org/m4w/2513204755.html

New Start

Young and Dumb says: "Hello my name is Joshua I'm 19 sometime ago I got out of a really hopeless relationship and had given up for awhile but now I want a new start with everything. I'm looking for an honest and faithful woman ages 19 to 30 someone I can start a new life with..."

First of all you are entirely too young to be worried about starting a life with someone. If it happens this young...great...lucky you. Worry about going to college and starting your own life first.

Now that the serious stuff is out of the way...

What exactly are you trying to do with this picture? Because it's scaring us. Usually the point of posting a picture without clothing is to show off nice physical features. This is showing us a lot of what you don't have. 

Maybe try to win people over with a good sense of humor instead or kindness. Shirtless pictures are not going to get you far.

http://winstonsalem.craigslist.org/m4w/2494909342.html

Resencently located

That is a most interesting way to spell "recently".

Creative Speller says: "I just moved here from VA. Im a simple country man who likes simple things. I just rescently (That's closer...)  have gotten out of a really bad relationship and just want to be able to have a conversation (How do you spell a big word like conversation correctly and not recently?) with a woman who is not a complete retard (Nice...only the partially retarded should inquire). Im low maintenece and i dont expect a woman to be. I would also like to find a woman to show me around town cause so far all I have seen is the walmart, some dead grass, and lovely hot weather."

We've been to Lawton...Walmart, dead grass, and hot weather is about all there is.

Think we found his inspiration.

http://lawton.craigslist.org/m4w/2493354377.html

Tip of the Week

Each week we'll offer some obvious advice for improving your personal ad experience and keeping yourself off of the Stud's List.

Last week's tip provided guidance on how to dress for a personal ad photo. This week's tip is about writing an ad.

It may seem cute, clever, or creative to write as one of your pets. It's not. It's actually weird. We're sure your beloved furry friends think the world of you and that's great but you see they are not a reliable judge of character. Your personal ad should always be written as yourself.

 Typing Cat and  Too Much Time on the Farm both illustrate this point very well.




"meeooow"

 Sissy says she agrees with us. 

Badboy needs cute friend

Badboy says: "Im origionally from the Portland area but moved to Boise a couple years ago and quickly got into some trouble and was sent to prison. Im clean and sober and love being in recovery. I dont mind if you are in recovery or not but it would be a huge plus to find someone to go to meetings with."

Thank you for including a picture of yourself flipping us off. We were skeptical of your badboy claim but this pic really confirms it. 

http://boise.craigslist.org/m4w/2510010112.html

Wanted (preferably alive): long-haired Hottie McHotterson

Guess dead is okay then????

Necrophiliac says: "I just appreciate (and adore) a woman with long hair! I am a little shy and have been cagey in the past. But I could be a catch for you, and I would like to attain my dream."

Glad you prefer them alive. Might be hard getting a dead one to respond.

http://portland.craigslist.org/grg/m4w/2506967086.html

Too Much Time on the Farm...

You're spending too much time on the farm when you start speaking of yourself and potential mates in terms of livestock. Unless this really is a post written by a goat and in that case the proper place would be Farm+Garden in the classifieds. A typing goat isn't very likely given the hooves make it nearly impossible....so we're gonna go ahead and assume that this is indeed just another nut job writing from an animal's perspective. See Typing Cat!


Not-So-Old Goat says: " We goats are damn picky, and we know just what we want when we reach a certain age. She should be udderly prominent and possessed of a suitably round rump, with that luminescent sheen that comes from good health and a certain largesse. She should be randy and like to kick up her heals on occasion and enjoy a good nuzzling afterward. She should not have (or want) a young brood following her around.

Send response with picture (does not have to be of udders)."  


Oh my.... don't know 'bout you but it really gets us "randy" when someone starts talkn 'bout udders.

                                                  Click for Banjo Music!

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/m4w/2506305196.html

A Man That Knows What He Wants

errr we mean doesn't want.

White Male says: "64, still have all my hair and teeth, few too many pounds, but attractive. Don't want any whores, hookers or trannies."

He's clearly past that stage of his life.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/m4w/2504277119.html

Deceptive Advertisement at its Finest

It starts off good.

Somebody's Grandpa says: "Only looking for some kindness...."

and well that's nice. He goes on saying...

"Some one to drop by once a week or so, for conversation..."

awww sweet...

"...maybe a little make-out, touchy-feely, or more ( your call)"

Whoa! Slow down grandpa...we just went from kindness to groping. That's a little more than kind where we come from. 

In another ad posted we find this:

Somebody's Grandpa says: "More importantly, I play harp and have pretty nimble fingers. My fingers will never finish before you do. No matter how many orgasms you wish to enjoy. Unlike that guy you pick up somewhere, who's done ina few minutes, my fingers will not go flaccid."

We're just gonna go ahead and point out the flaw in pop pop's marketing scheme here....That other guy's fingers won't either.

http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/m4w/2480452177.html

http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/m4w/2485719544.html

On this episode of Where Are They Now....

With us today is the Tin Man. After getting that long sought after heart he took some time off from show business and moved to Denver. He's put on a little weight since we last saw him in The Wizard of Oz but he's actively working on getting back into shape.

The Tin Man says: "Hey whats up everyone I am 5 foot 11 inches at 260 lbs and working on it. If for some reason i catch your eye you wanna know more just hit me up on here I check my email every day LOOKS AND AGE DON'T MATTER TO ME"

Oh you caught our eye alright. Not for the reasons you would hope though.

*Plus* He's not picky!

 http://denver.craigslist.org/m4w/2490887240.html

Inmate #77133

Locked Away is looking for love from the slammer. Classy. At least you know he means it when he says he just wants to talk.

Locked Away's friend says: "He is locked away in prison right now...  He is a pretty cool guy. Want to know more? Write him! what could it hurt ladies?"

That probably depends a lot on what Locked Away is currently locked away for.... Are we talking possession of marijuana here or rape?

http://boise.craigslist.org/m4w/2450697787.html

Tip of the Week

Each week we'll offer some obvious advice for improving your personal ad experience and keeping yourself off of the Stud's List.


This week's tip is all about what to wear in your photo.

It's a great idea to include a photo of yourself in a personal ad. People want to know what kind of a mess they are getting themselves into. When choosing a photo to advertise youself with you should be dressed somewhere
between this:

and this:

A casual medium is best.

We'd like to give a big thanks to Don and Left At Altar for being exemplary models of what not to do. Thanks guys!

We'd also like to thank everyone who has stopped by. Our first week on the web has been very successful because of you. If you know someone who is in need of a laugh, and really who isn't, then do them a favor and share this blog : ) 


Until next week....

Hey isn't that??

Celebrity Spotting!!!!

It's Al from Home Improvement!

Al says: " I am not a biker just like the cap lol"

There's nothing funny about being a poser Al. Either ditch the cap or man up and get a bike.

http://fayetteville.craigslist.org/m4w/2473819934.html

*Celebrity look alike*

Maybe We Missed Something...

When did man boobs become a selling point?

Bigger Guy says: Do you like handsome cuddly bigger guys with nice man tits? Want to suck eah other's tits tonight? Let's play and have some fun.

Lets see if we can answer Bigger Guy's questions. Do you like handsome cuddly bigger guys with nice man tits? No. Oh and just so you know there is no such things as "nice man tits". Want to suck eah other's tits tonight? Hell no. 

Looks like you're having enough fun there by yourself buddy. *shudders*

http://dallas.craigslist.org/ndf/m4w/2496711164.html

You be the Judge

Not An Ass says:

"HOWDY,
I AM OUT HERE FROM ARIZONA.
I AM LOOKING FOR A GAL TO HANG OUT WITH.
I'M 5,11...200
I DON'T SMOKE, BUT I DRINK.
I AM A GENTLEMAN NOT AN ASS.
I'M MARRIED, SO WHAT WE DO IS UP TO YOU.

SEND ME YOUR PICTURE"

In our exeperience if it acts like an ass and looks like an ass, it probably is an ass. We're sure NAA's wife would agree with us.

http://dallas.craigslist.org/ftw/m4w/2496464369.html

Looking for Booty

"Aaaargh"

http://knoxville.craigslist.org/m4w/2488192328.html

The Don

May have a future in modeling.

Don says: "Hi ladies my name is don, im 46 and i am looking for that right women to spend time with."

Since Don has enough body hair to be legally exempt from wearing clothes he refrains from doing so whenever possible. You see he's a considerate fellow that understands a woman doesn't want to spend her days slaving over a man's wash.

 Don has perfected "come hither"

and "Oooops...I think that was a wet one".

Raaaawr

http://columbia.craigslist.org/m4w/2411426500.html

Sweet Serenader

Sweet Serenader says: "26 sbm looking for a friend, nothing sexual. i sing and play guitar and want to serenade you to sleep. . . "


Mmm hmmm and what do you plan to do once we've fallen asleep??? "Nothing sexual". Riiiiight. OK.  

If you don't mind sleeping with one eye open this stud might be for you.....

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/m4w/2484603043.html

ANY GIRL WANT TO GET PREGNANT ??

Really? We go on Craigslist for a lot of things. Used furniture...sure, place to live...yup, a job....maybe, but getting pregnant has yet to be one of them. 

About To Get Snipped says: "So I'm being serious here, and I know there are a lot of girls that wish they could have a baby, but noone out there to be with.... So I'm offering to help you get pregnant before I go get a vesectamy and lost the ability to do this.... Basically why let it go to waste when there are lots of girls wanting it...."

Actually ATGS most women spend hundreds of dollars every year preventing just that but perhaps Craigslist could benefit from a new classified section, "Sperm Donors", for those women who happen to be shopping around for a good deal on a baby daddy.

However, we suspect that you have already had a "vesectamy" or at least hope so and that you are trying to prey on the desperation of women because no one could be so stupid to go around offering to make kids with complete strangers for the mere sake of "not letting it go to waste".

http://fresno.craigslist.org/m4w/2490736809.html

IF.....

you contact him chances are you won't be heard from again....


Nice Fun Loving Guy (read: Serial Killer) says: "this bikini looks like it will fit you,your the lady i would love to come hang out on deck and swim (read: drown)..."

A few questions for NFLG:

Where did this bikini come from and why do you have it? Where do you bury the bodies? Why is your gate seemingly innocently open with a swing set in view? Why can't we see your face?

The only thing missing from this post is some candy folks.

http://columbia.craigslist.org/m4w/2463053745.html

Typing Cat!

Oh wait...its just a creepy guy writing as his cat...almost had us fooled Creepy Guy, almost....

Sissy says: "Well yes my name is sissy and I am looking for a girlfriend; long term relationship for my dad. I guess you humans have to go out on a date first so let me tell you about him some. He is tall at 6 ft 3 inches average build nice blue eyes brown hair average looking swm professional. He has a lot going on well in life but has been out of a relationship in over 4 years and the only woman besides his friends that come over is grandma to me. I hope you are not allergic to me as I am supposed to be an indoor cat as I do not have my front claws. My dad got me when my real mom did not want the litter including me (yes I used to be small; the runt of the litter). He has had me 13 years this month and I am spoiled with treats and loving from him. I think it is time for him to have some TLC in return and not just licks from me.

He has a job; this house I share with him; friends and family. He is a nice; kind; trustworthy genuine guy that is laid back and easy going. He is probably hoping someone to go do things like the ocean; ballgames; concerts; movies; dinners; etc. with. I know he talks about walks at Alki beach also; sounds like a big litter box to me...he is a giver and sensitive guy too. Anyways here is what I found him writing at home when he went to work. It is a start but he has done nothing with it so I am. I would like to get what information you are willing to give me and I can go through the return emails while he is at work. If you have questions about him or want a return picture; let me know I can get that to you also."

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/m4w/2489699886.html

Looking for a Date. Comes with Tux.

Not wasting any time casting his line back out there.

Left at Altar says: "I am recently single from a 6 year relationship. Looking for a date possibly more. To be honest I've only been with one woman in my lifetime. She decided to suddenly leave so now I am all alone."

http://columbia.craigslist.org/m4w/2467683776.html

Win a free toaster-oven - 53 (PDX)

We'll take the toaster oven please.

Fun and Flippant Fellow says:  "I find myself most attracted to smart, verbal types who have an internal sense of equilibrium and enthusiasm; a woman who is confident without being patronizing and has just a bit of an edge to complement her otherwise genteel attitude. Oh and a silly, playful element combined with a penchant for the sublime that makes it all complete, as life's too short to take it all too seriously.

If you think you might be that participating cohort, please drop me a communiqué with an accompanying photo telling me why.

Do you really need a small appliance or are you looking for love?"

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/m4w/2487534648.html

Sugar Mommas Wanted!

Honesty is a virtue....

SBM says: "Well endowed well groomed single black male looking for preferably a mature white lady for companionship,dinners, shows, shopping and more diverse interestes.Looking to please you in and out of bed.Can very discreet if need be.Married women welcome.I'm genuine and just looking for a sugar mama who loves a boy toy but one that can handle her in the bedroom.please respond with pics"


*Plus alert* He has the artistic skills of a 4 year old. See image below.

http://myrtlebeach.craigslist.org/m4w/2465654396.html

Bat the Goth

Bat is tired of women beating down his momma's door only to use him for his man parts.

From Bat: "My name is Bat. I am 33 years old. Been single for three and a half years and it is killing me big time. I am searching for a brunette female anywhere from the age of 21 to 33. blond or redheads are ok, but I prefer a girlfriend with brown hair. thats just me.

yes I am a Goth guy, but I am not a witch or a warlock. i'm just in the Goth scene like other Goth people because of the clothing and music. I'm also a Goth DJ. You don't have to be a Goth chick to by my girlfriend. I know alot of people in the Goth scene who's lover is a regular person and not Goth. absolutely nothing wrong with that. you can either be Goth or a regular to be my girlfriend as long as you're a brunette...thats the only catch!

NOTE: I am NOT here to get laid, to do a one night stand, mess around right away for a day. I am here to find someone to get into a relationship with. I take things slow. I do things one at a time when starting a new relationship. So if you're some slutty female who wants to get laid right away (like some other chic wanted to do with me) THEN THE DOOR IS THAT WAY-------------------------------------------->."