Talented artist looking for sweet girlfriend- 41 (se 16th & stark)

BEWARE! The homeless have infiltrated the personal ads to further their mission to mooch. You have the damn public library system providing free internet access to thank for that one.

His title should read "Bum looking for someone I can take advantage of". He's provided the crossroads of the corner he's currently pan handling at in case you want to pick him up later.

Stuart the Flamboyant Bum says: "Hello, My name is Stuart. I am a full time artist/painter and a very good person. I have been represented by a professional/established gallery for over 10 years. I recently (about a year ago) went through a relationship break up with my girlfriend of 9 years. At this same time, my gallery owner decided to close the gallery and move his life in a new direction. As a result of these two things (He is homeless), I have found myself in transition and a little out of sorts (Drugs do that). What I would love is to find a new girlfriend that is a lover of the arts, has some stability in her life and is a good person (To share said stability).
I am a monogamous, faithful, attractive (a bit flamboyant) (A lot flamboyant) guy that believes that being in a couple makes you stronger than being on your own. I'm looking for someone that is pretty, open minded, likes to hang together (cook, go to social gatherings, talk about life). I do like to drink coffee, some beer and I roll my own cigarettes (You will need to provide those items). I don't have a car but (comes with his own cardboard box) am very capable & independent and I don't need a lot of stuff to make me happy (He'll take whatever you have). I would love to find a woman that is into one on one communication, having an intimate relationship and would be open to living together and perhaps would have a place for me to paint (Notice how moving in together is automatically her place with space for him).
You can respond to this posting with a phone number or an email and I will get back to you quickly.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

I have personal reference if you'd like any."

Who provides personal references to date? 

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/m4w/2525917188.html

Tip of the Week

Each week we'll offer some obvious advice for improving your personal ad experience and keeping yourself off of the Stud List.

Last week's tip was on perspective and how it is best to always write as one's self. This week's tip provides additional guidance on how to write a personal ad. 

An ad should describe yourself and what you are looking for. In addition to your physical attributes, interests, and goals it is common to disclose status. A simple "I'm available" or "I'm single" is a great way to do this. If you find yourself writing things like "I just recently got out of a really bad relationship," or "I just got out of a relationship that ended badly, she didn't really love me," and "I went broke in NC trying my luck at getting back together with my ex. It didn't work out, and now I sleep on a floor" followed by derogatory terms directed at women in general...you probably still have bitter feelings about your past relationship and should refrain from dating until these feelings have subsided. Using strong or offensive language to describe what you are not looking for in a partner is counterproductive. Words like "whores, retards, and stupid" scare away the nice women you are searching for and attract "crazy bitches" in a similar manner that manure attracts flies. 

For fine examples of what not to do please refer to Resencently located, must love dogs, and our personal favorite Hello, horrible, crazy internet bitches.

We'd like to thank our audience for their continued support. We've had a successful couple of weeks here on the web and hope you enjoy reading the blog as much we enjoy writing it. Until next week....

                                                                 
                                                  Happy dating!

Bitter, Lonely, Loser's Apology

We can tell it comes straight from the heart.

Bitter, Lonely, Loser says: "It has been brought to my attention that my last post was offensive. Offensive and overtly sexist. I'm thinking maybe that's why I only got 3 responses.

It seems we have gotten off on the wrong foot, cheeto-eating craigslist weirdos. So stop fingering that bed sore, put down your DNA soaked copy of New Moon, and mute 16 and Pregnant, because it is about time that I apologize to you.

It was never my intention to upset you with my ad. It is none of my business, nor concern, how retarded you are. And honestly, I didn't know you could read. . .

I want you to understand something. Beneath my asshole-ish exterior I'm actually a sweet and sensitive guy. I'm like a teddy bear, trapped inside of a real bear. A half digested dime store Beanie Baby, being forced through the intestinal tract of a rabid, teddy bear murdering machine. But the real bear, the teddy murdering machine, it only ate the stuffed bear to keep it safe. To protect it.
Which doesn't make any sense, because ultimately the real bear has doomed its meek counterpart to become a pile of bear shit. And that is either where the metaphor goes to hell, or where it all comes together. I'll leave that judgment up to you.

Here's the thing, last night I was thinking about how most pretty girls are stupider than all fuck. And I thought, maybe I shouldn't rule them out just because they are dumb. Maybe I should give them a chance. Perhaps I too could turn my brain off, turn on someone else's tv, and watch actors dressed as drill sergeants scream at fat people for a half hour. Or have an in-depth conversation about every boil Angelina Jolie has ever had on her ass. It could be alright, so long as I had some beautiful retard sitting on my lap the whole time.

Right? Right? Maybe.

Then I realized, oh fuck, I just screwed my chances of that with my craigslist post.

'I should apologize. Get back in the good graces of the retard bitch demographic'.

But then I thought about the sex and I decided I just couldn't do it. It would be like fucking a corpse. Or at the very least a coma patient. And if I couldn't fuck my beautiful retard, what good would she be?

None.

Send me an email, I love you already.

-Frank Black"

He meant every word of it.   

http://frederick.craigslist.org/m4w/2513604141.html



Hello, horrible, crazy internet bitches

Yup...You know it's nice that he's upfront with the fact that he's a total douche. A lot of guys like to hide that for a while and then spring it on you later in the relationship.  

We don't usually post such long ads. See them often though. This one is well worth the time. Enjoy : )

Bitter, Lonely, Loser says: "So, Craigslist weirdos, I am single again. (You don't say? can't imagine why...) I hate being single.

And prospects in Frederick, they look bad. Not as bad as Cumberland. About the same as Raleigh. Not as good as Durham... It is a sad state of affairs.

The thing about females is, they are mostly retarded. (Uh huh...?) But they are also the only people with vaginas. And I like vaginas. I want to say it's a paradox but that isn't right. It's just a problem with no solution. Someone once suggested a post-op transsexual, but what are the chances of stumbling across that? Slim.

While I was living in Durham, I'd spend all day in Barnes and Noble (Yes he's that guy. It's shocking, we know), reading my way through the published works of Charles Bukowski and sucking up the free wifi. And every time a pretty girl came in the door she'd go straight for the magazine rack. It never failed. She wouldn't even pick up something cool like a tattoo mag. She'd go straight for some celebrity gossip rag.
Do you know what that does to my penis? It makes him sad. And my brain doesn't like it a whole lot either. When I see a girl grab a People magazine off of a shelf, both my penis and my brain instantly lose all interest in her (What a horrible loss for those women).

Here's what I want. I want a pretty, funny, intelligent nymphomaniac, who reads Burroughs and watches Star Trek TNG (You and every other guy out there...the only difference is most of them have a lot more to offer and enough sense not to go around calling the only people with vaginas derogatory names). Or at least Palahniuk and X Files. Honestly, at this point I'd settle for J. K. Rowling and Aqua Teen.

But the nympho thing? I'm not compromising on that.

Also, it would help if you are a Japanese school girl. And a virgin. And an Atheist. And a vegan. And if you listen to old school punk rock.

Oh, and you have to be completely mentally and emotionally insane.
Now, when I say insane I do mean insane. If I'm not going to, at some point, need to wrestle a kitchen knife out of your hand to keep you from committing hari-kari, I'm not interested. Because history has taught me that I like crazy bitches. Apparently they are what I want (Well you've come to the right place. Craigslist should be crawling with them. If you need knives check Household).

So now you are probably wondering about me (Probably not). You are wondering "who is this godly man, this manly god?". Well, I is this manly god. My name is, errrr, well. . . We will say my name is Frank Black for now. I am Frank Black, and I am fucking amazing in every conceivable way. I am 5'8", in decent shape, and unemployed (Didn't know unemployed was on the list of ways to be amazing. We're sure lots of people with suffering self esteem will be interested in finding that out).

I am an aspiring writer, which is great because it's way easier than being an ACTUAL writer. All I have to do is aspire to write. One day. Eventually. If I feel like it.
I am currently living with my family again. I went broke in NC trying my luck at getting back together with my ex. It didn't work out, and now I sleep on a floor.

Ok, so maybe I'm not awesome. Maybe I'm an aging fuck-up loser punk rock kid (Yes most likely this is the situation).

But I'm funny.

And I will make you dinner while you throw shit at me (Where in your mom's kitchen?). Then we can eat while you accuse me of cheating on you because I had a turkey sandwich in my car.

Tell me that doesn't sound like a fairy tale.


-Frank Black."

If any of it sounds appealing to you don't hesitate to contact Frank. He'll be available. 

http://frederick.craigslist.org/m4w/2510987027.html

Has Hobbies

Not everyone can be what society deems as attractive and that's okay. But if you're not going to try to improve your personal appearance you should at least be interesting. Gotta bring something to the table.

Geekster says: "im trying to find someone who will look past my faults. my hobby's include walking car rides videogames and i absolutely love movies"

Items 1 and 2 are not hobbies. Those are every day activities that people normally do. Furthermore, we imagine the walking you do is to get into your car to ride to the store to buy movies or video games.

(deep in thought while playing WOW)

He's got the right idea with this last picture. Thing 2 in the back there makes him look like a catch.

 http://muskegon.craigslist.org/m4w/2455211741.html

The Third Wheel

Third Wheel says: "All my friends are either married or in commited relationships, so I often feel like the third wheel.  Just looking for someone to hang out with, see what happens. I have a two kids part time."

Hey uh...you can't have kids part-time. It doesn't work that way. You either have kids or don't have kids. It's not a part-time/full-time kind of gig.

We hope that's a scary-laugh face and not a smile. Unless he's showing us his impression of Chandler...that's the only way sharing this photo with the world might make sense.  

http://grandrapids.craigslist.org/m4w/2467730439.html