Saturday, December 31, 2011

curves on top would be gravy

Can Use Big Words says:  "I'm talking so big that they have their own moons orbiting and life evolved on them (Okay...). I'm taling so massive, that sometimes when you walk by little kids they stare and run into things. get up stare some more and then fall again. So big that guys cant help but look at them and sure it makes you uncomfortable, but at the end of the day you embrace it. Lets be honest with eachother. You're on here because you are lacking something and so am I. I'd like to have a LTR with a quality woman. But I have to be honest. I have a big time breast fetish. I like to cuddle, touch please message... hell you'll prob slap my hand away from them 10 times a day, but then again you may also grab them and ask me to touch them, because I treat ladies boobies very nice. Most guys do not actually pay breasts more than 5-10 mins of attention and then its on to "bigger and better" things. ... if you want hours of attention there, you got it. With a smile.

I'm funny. I'm not very handsome but built gr8 if I do say so myself. jk haha I'm for real. I have blue eyes that would make the color turquoise blush... or something. I'm manly. i can fix nada (You can't fix anything? You want to paw at boobs all day and you can't fix stuff?). I'm also well educated (Highly doubt that.)... i can school people in stuff. And I'm athletic... I can use big words and that will manifest itself early and often

That makes me a man (What makes you a man? Using big words you wouldn't be able to spell correctly? If being an idiot is considered manly...then sure!). BUt I do have a bearded face and I do love to cuddle... which makes me a manboy. Dont get scurred flash dance. I'll treat you right if you treat me right. I have my head on straight. Oh and I'm in good shape and I have a beautiful furry pee pee (WTH?!). Confirmed by science. It wont win any giant of the month awards, but its above avg and it will make a girl smile.

2012 in america w t f!!!! Well life has dealt me a bizarre hand. I am a sub 6 foot(thats under 6 feet tall for all you below the learning curvers) white male. And females in this day and age r like the politicians in that neither of them DO DI#K!!! anymore.Lesbos,stuck ups,no funs,tight asses,those who only roll with black guys--get me that time machine back to the 70's while i grow this foo man choo and sideburns and do it quick!Back to the loooove era!!

Butttt I do love how Hispanic girls dress and make up and exotic women. I love milfs. I love you if you fit my description. Moms LOVE them some me. But Dads know better. They will be lookin at me with the nasty stare cus they know what i do to their daughter and her delicious boobies (Wow).
Write "Are you worthy of my boobies" in the subject. Stop being a square you're whole life and just email me. I joke alot but I can be very serious. Im sorry not into black woman :(   (They won't mind) "

You're not worthy of Mantits' "boobies". Even he has some standards. Slither along now.


Friday, December 30, 2011

MUFFIN SLAVE SEEKING NEW MUFFIN QUEEN

Next time, maybe  a little more about yourself and a lot less about the last woman you were banging.

Muffin Slave says: "My ex-muffin Queen had some simple requirements:
Keep her muffin kissed, licked and pleased as often as possible, and on demand!
She even wore long night shirts and robes around the house, without underwear, for easy access. My head spent a lot of time under those garments!

In the mornings, my Queen wanted an early morning oral wake up call, while she was still snug and warm under the covers.
After work, my Queen wanted her favorite drink served to her in her favorite chair, and a soothing foot massage with some oral stress relief.
At bedtime, my Queen wanted an oral night cap to relax her and, allow her to get a great nights sleep.

Other requirements were:
Take her out to dinner once a week. Movie date when there was something good to watch.
Snuggle up on the couch and watch TV, always be ready to make a trip under the night shirt for some Queenly pleasure.
Frequent romantic trips to places like White Pines Forrest for a stay in their log cabins.

The old Queen had become an ex-Queen so I am looking for a new Queen with similar requirements.

I live and work in the North West Suburbs of Chicago in the engineering field. I am looking for a new Queen in the age range of 45 to 60.
Your only requirement is to enjoy your slaves pleasure giving skills! And to use them frequently!"

People don't usually like to think about their partner with someone else. People really don't like to think about their partner's mouth all over someone else's junk.




Thursday, December 29, 2011

Seeking Zombie Apocalypse Partner

Avid Outdoorsman says: "I'm in search of a wonderful woman who could hold her own and make a great strategic team with me in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Must be fit, loyal, and able to think on your feet. You must not only be able to drive with great speed and precision, but also not be hesitant to run over people (Love running people over. Do it every Sunday.)(this means undead people of course, if you're the type who likes to run over living people, I'm afraid we may not click) (Oh, guess I should have kept reading before getting excited.). I'm a 22 year old avid outdoorsman. I know many places in WNC which I'm confident would be safe from zombies. You and I together will be the last hope for the human race should a group of animal-rights activists break into a laboratory and free infected monkeys from their cages (brownie points if you can tell me which movie that happened in) (Does anyone not know what movie that was?). I ask that your prove your worth in the art of zombie killing by playing Nazi Zombies with me on Call of Duty at Game Xcape off Patton Ave (this will be our 1st 'date' with death). Your pic gets mine. Racists look elsewhere."


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Get it straight

Dashing Gentleman says: "OK...I'm admittedly a bit naive. I was in a relationship with one girl throughout all my twenties pretty much (22-28) and I've recently been thrust into the dating scene after I was forced to dump her for cheating on me...and frankly it sucks. What I have learned in the six months that I have been conversing with members of the opposite sex is that women appear to be horribly...HORRIBLY confused about what it is they want. I see ads and hear complaints from women about how they want a guy who is honest, kind, loving, caring, responsible etc. etc. ad nauseum but then when I show up, me being someone who possesses all of the qualities just described, I'm ignored and I watch the very girl who said she wanted all of the afore mentioned qualities in her mate fall for a man who I can clearly see is a hornball moron douchebag...So GET IT STRAIGHT LADIES!
Now you may be saying to yourself, "oh well he must be ugly or perhaps he is short or he's a pussy or there is something ostensibly wrong with him".

I tell you this is simply not true. I am a dashing gentleman of 5'11" ft in height, who rides motorcycles and will gladly knock some jackass's lights out if he crosses a line. By all measures, I belive myself to be a very attractive male in all regards. I'm well off, I hold down a steady job, I have my own house, I am applying to law school, I am articulate, an engaging conversationalist and I am most certainly not lacking in the area of passion. And yet, despite my entertaining stories, winsome smile and excellent qualities, I've failed to entice a lady to build a relationship with me beyond friendship and I've even watched as some of the ladies I've courted defer to morons who have to ride scooters around because of their multiple DUI's. Perhaps I am simply not finding the right ladies? I do not know. I'd really like to have a lady to snuggle with on these cold nights...well whenever the cold nights decide to arrive.

So here's the thing. I am not posting an ad here looking for a girlfriend. I am looking for some ladies to answer a question; What am I doing wrong? Should I act like an idiot and just hoot and holler at women? Should I be rude to women and treat them with indifference? What is it that you ladies truly want?"

No. You need to update your style, if you can call it style. Get a hair cut, lose the glasses, and the ridiculous jacket. Either commit to a full beard or shave that goatee off...What look are you going for? Irish beatnik? Lots of people think they are good looking, intelligent, and funny. Doesn't mean they really are. And none of your friends are going to be a dick and say "Hey, ya know you're kind of annoying and that goatee isn't doing anything for you." No, that's what we're here for. Good day.


http://asheville.craigslist.org/m4w/2764908026.html

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Only mildly crazy need apply

Probably 1-Beer Cute says: "It's about time to put on my big-kid shorts, and dive into the dating pool again. I'm an educated, somewhat normal 29 year old male, with a stable job, good roof over my head, multiple forms of reliable transportation, not too crazy, and probably 1-beer cute!

If you want to know more, and are'nt insane, drowning in dogs, or taken...hit me up"


Think it's going to take more than one beer.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Grandpaw is Lonely

Grandpas have needs too...

Grandpaw says: "So I am looking again. Nice guy here ,Just a little on the kinky side.Friends with benfits would be fine to start with.Also would love to meet a bi cpl thats enjoys a old man`s company"

...like threesomes. That's how ya want to think about your grandpa. Just go ahead and savor that mental image for a minute.

alone on cristmas go figure

No car?                                              Check!
No money?                                        Check!
No job?                                              Check!
Married?                                            Check!

Yup, he's everything you'd expect a Craigslist stud to be. He gets bonus points for mentioning NASCAR not once, not twice, but THREE times!

Prefers BBW says: "Hello first off i am glad to be in a new location I am from Fayetteville North Carolina. I am ex Army and going to the nascar technical institute. I am just trying to start my life over and rebuild, my ex wife rueind me so i am not divorced yet it will be final this coming year. my main goal is to graduate college and start a new career weather it be in nascar or a dealership working on cars. I want to find the right woman for me some one who i can trust and spend time with, i like nascar, hard rock music i am a drummer too. i just want to find some one that has the same intrest in me I prefer BBW women but a nice petete woman is a plus kids are okay but i want my own some day. i will have my car by the end of the month just waitng for my education bennefits to kick in. but just meeting some one and talking would be nice"






Thursday, December 22, 2011

ugly and dumb

Don't oversell yourself or anything.

Ugly and Dumb says: "i just moved here and no luck meeting anyone. i must be ugly or dumb. or both. if you dont think im ugly lets go do something. or if you think im ugly let me know if plastic surgery could help."

Here's your problem...You're a friggin WIENER! Plastic surgery can't do anything for that.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

You! Yes, you. Read this

Found Corey Haim and Corey Feldman's love child.

Haim-Feldman Love Child says: "Hi,

I am a logically-minded, affectionate, geeky guy, looking for a girl who has a kind and considerate nature, who is willing to hang out and let romance occur in a natural fashion. That might sound all too corny, but that's how I roll, dammit; I am corny-incarnate. Hobby-wise, I love to play video games, read, waste time on the internet, and all the other things that come with the 'nerd' package. This has made me somewhat introverted by nature, but nature itself does call out to me from time to time, as I would quite love to explore the world, go camping, fishing, hiking, and so on. As long as I have someone to do it with (or a group, even), I am down for adventure.

I would describe myself as: 5'10", a big guy, 23-years-old, an Atheist, a critical thinker, a casual drinker, a non-smoker, a non-drug-user, and an all around odd sort. But hey, the best things in life are odd! -- Or was that free? -- No matter, I'm free too!

I am self-employed, and quite busy now that it is Christmas time, but I am down to make time to meet someone new.

Sincerely,
Me."


The happy couple.



Love child working on his smirk to the left.


Smirk to the right.


Annnd back to the left. Ready for show biz? Oh yea! 



Think Feldman was probably the "mom".

Monday, December 19, 2011

Im the cat pajamas will u be the lucky one

Cat's Pajamas says: "here i am, single no kids yet wudnt mind a family now, own home and business funnee as hell make u laff so much ull pee ur panties lol, wudnt mind a relationship with the right one , wherer is she, i know she s out there anyway happy holidays ladies, call me ,,,"


This is him once upon a time. Don't mind the dirty socks or filthy floor there in the background.



This is him some time and pounds later. Just a wild guess here but he probably spent more time drinking than reading in college.



And finally we get to now.

What's the point of showing the high school picture? Are you hoping that someone will see it and think "Well, he use to be decent"? Because really it's just kind of depressing.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Dating season is closed - 29

Well, not really. He still wants to reap all the benefits of dating like companionship, intimacy, etc... he just doesn't want to put anything into getting them.

The Cheap Douche Bag says: "Dating season for me is officially closed until Feb. 15. My best friend was dumb enough to get locked down last week with some chick just met. Now he's going to be stuck going to family dinners, buying her a Christmas gift, doing the new years eve thing with her, doing the new years day lunch/dinner with her, and obligated to buy her a valentines day gift as well. God forbid she have a birthday in there too... The worst part is this is the first girl he met after his breakup, barely knows her, and chances are, will probably not be with her after the holidays lol. This is why men have dating season...

Anyways, despite the negativity the previous paragraph portrayed, I hate being single. Who enjoys sleeping alone every night? I will not be "dating" right now. At least, not in the normal sense of the word. I want a casual, no strings, no obligations, no gift buying scenario right now. No Christmas or New Years party requirements.

And I guess if I'm being this open and honest about what I'm looking for, I might as well say "please don't be fat". You don't have to be an athlete, but I'm not a fan of muffin tops or extra skin... Please forgive the "typical mirror pose", but I've seen people on here I know. Send a few pics with your reply, including a face and body, and I'll be happy to send a face pic as well :). "

Here ya go. Found what you're looking for. She's cheap, easy, and only needs air. You can spare some air right? or is that going to be too much trouble for you?  

Thursday, December 1, 2011

broken star looking for his glue to hold me together

Not even really sure what that title is supposed to mean. Probably isn't important. 

Comes with a used, but in good condition stripper pole...


...and is in need of a used, but in good condition woman to grind up and down it.

Will you be the lucky one?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Need a BJ Today

Rolled out of bed this morning thinking "Could really go for giving a BJ to a  complete stranger later today", and decided to go on Craigslist in hopes of finding a willing participant. Didn't really expect to find a man that would not only like to satisfy a need for oral gratification but was also DD free! What are the odds?!

DD Free and in Need says: "I am in need of a blowjob. My girl is out of town and I need a quick fix before she gets home. Maybe if things go good we could maybe go a little further after the bj. I am dd free and you must be the same. Email me with the subject of your favorite movie and with a nude picture so I will know your real. If you arnt able to meet up tonight we can figure something out."




OMGISMPFLSHAIAPALBTOBMDSTGFTP!!!  (For an explanation click here)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving Thanks

There's so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Take this personal ad for example...


We're thankful he's included more pictures of himself than that head shot, where he appears to be within at least a normal range of undesirableness.  Considering he's from the backwoods of PA, he might actually pass for decent after a few six packs.

BUT then there's this...


How in the hell do you manage to be that disproportioned??
AND here's a close up in case you didn't get a good look....


Now imagine meeting him with out seeing those last two pictures. Yea... not good.

Happy Thanksgiving from Studs of Craigslist!


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Is there anything out thereee?

SWM says: "I just want somebody to hang out with on the weekends, someone who won't make out with my best friend."

Because that doesn't go without saying these days....


Saturday, November 19, 2011

looking to settle down

Do so many men really want to tie the knot and start a family or is that just what they think women want to hear? Starting to find it hard to believe. Especially when they have interests like Tony's...

Tony says: "Im a 25 year old male.Im ready to settle down and have kids and start a family. I have dirty blond hair and hazel eyes. I have three tattoos and two piercings. Well a little about me is i live with two of my friends on the east side. I like to hangout with friends, go to the club, go downtown, go to the movies and i love to cuddle."

...because getting married and having kids is the surest way to never see your friends, go to a club, downtown, or a movie with a rating over PG again. Cuddling? Yea... we'll let you find that one out for yourself. Don't want to spoil all of the surprises.


Friday, November 18, 2011

I'm no good at pick up lines so could I just play with your breasts?

We're leaning towards no.

Prince Charming says: "If you're not a complete ugg-o or if you are an ugg-o but you make a ton of money send me an e-mail and I will be your boyfriend ;)"

If you do not know what an "ugg-o" is and are concerned you may not be up to Prince Charming's standards, Urban Dictionary will delight you with enlightenment. 

May want to work on those pick up lines. Can't imagine this method being very fruitful.  



Thursday, November 17, 2011

devoted to one special woman

Mom and dad are evicting this one from the nest.

Not Perfect says: "looking for the one special woman who will be the bread winner in the home and I in return will be that one woman man and handy man with all those talents women only wish most guys would have and take pride in doing,whens the last time you have had a guy sing and play for you, run you a hot bubble bath with candles just to show those lil things we do for one another truly do matter, a great guy with a huge heart that just wants that one special person to relocate for, im in seattle washington and have never lived or been anywhere and even tho its nice here and beautiful and green as it rains so much,i want to be experience somewhere warm and sunny.I miss the lil things in life that I think matter most, me leaving ya little notes by your side of the bed so when you wake and read how much I miss you (because he'll be too busy sleeping in to tell you himself). I love spending time out on the boat in the summer, , im not perfect and I dont want someone to be, I like more of a cute girl next door look over a fake superficial girl any day. , please no drama or drugs, I bring to the table a open heart and a clean slate to start loving someone special.."
 
So basically in exchange for a free ride what you have to offer is bubble baths, serenading, and notes? A lot of guys can manage to do those things and still pay a few bills. Is working anywhere in your future plans? Or does being a responsible adult repress creativity that will one day turn you into a groupie loving rock star?


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Single no drama male

Josh says: "My names Josh and I am looking for something longterm and no i don't want just one night stands and all that (That means he doesn't have money to pay professionals for it. Looking for free goods here...just so we're clear).I have been married but am now going through with the seperation thing and so hopefully you understand(unlike some) that it takes time to get this stuff finalized lol.I have a sense of humor (We're sorry but saying "lol" doesn't qualify you as having a sense of humor).  and I enjoy just hangingout or going to the movies or whatveer you want to do mainly (What if what we want to do is run over pedestrians at cross walks? Will you be mainly into that?).I just moved into an apartment in Trumann so just stop by if you want (You'll be able to find it easily as there aren't many around).I do have pictures but my phone doesnt let me send them at the moment because AT&T sucks.Just have a sense of humor and don't bring drama and other things like that into it. I would much rather talk on the phone than text I dunno why really. I do have a fb and it has a few pics on it. eightsevenzero,two one nine, seven eight zero nine.

I just want you to be honest and if you have children that fine no big deal and if you are going through the same kind of situation that I am thats cool too.you can usually find me at hastings or library in Jtown."

He looks funny. We mean that literally.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

2 Pair!

Found a "rip-roarious" ad for your reading pleasure today.

TNCRCG says: "I'm not talking about poker, either. Or a double date. I'm talking about pants. Wear 2 pair. More on that later.

Hi. You can call me TNCRCG. That's "Totally Not Creepy Random Craigslist Guy" to the less savvy. I'll settle for RCG for short. Or TNC. Sounds like of like TNT. Dyno-mite!

People don't say "dyno-mite!" enough anymore. That's it... I'm bringing it back. Single handedly.

On the topic of phrases, why do people do things "single handedly?" I have 2 functional hands and most things that I want to get done correctly utilizes both of them. Maybe it originates from back in the day when people would duel with swords, they only used 1 hand to handle the sword? I'm not sure... but I just added "learn to duel with a sword" to my bucket list.

I don't have a bucket list in the traditional sense... by that I mean that it's not a list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket, but actually a list of things that I want to do that is written on a bucket. I didn't have any paper and I wasn't really using the bucket for anything so one thing lead to another.......

Topic switch! The holidays are right around the corner... how do you feel about that? Go ahead, say it out loud, I'll hear you... because I'm watching you right now. Well fuck, I guess I can take the "TNC" out of "TNCRCG." Or even just take the "N" out and make it "TCRCG." You could almost say that out loud now. I may get that as a custom license plate for my truck... who needs vowels? A E I O U sometimes Y and even less of the time C, I say.

Back to the holidays. I really like them, personally, but let me break from the trend I've set so far in this post for just a second and admit that they can get a little lonely at times. I love my family to death but as we all get older it's turning into more of a clan of smaller little families that make one big group and the days of everyone getting together at the same time I feel are past us now, so I figure it might be a pleasant change of pace to not spend the majority of the holiday season doing the exact same things I do when it isn't holiday season. That's where you come in. No really, come on in, I don't lock my doors. Hook a brother up and bring me a Sunkist when you go past the fridge, thanks!

You know I've lived on my own since the week I graduated high school and I've never purchased or put up a Christmas tree in my house? Sad, I know. THCRCG. Totally Hates Christmas Random Craigslist Guy right here. Or just Random Craigslist Guy that likes weed a lot. Because THC... get it... THC is in weed... and... oh fuck it I know I'm reaching now.

So, all that being said.. most of which could have gone without saying I'm sure... if you're still reading this rambling I reckon you should reply right quick and realize what a rip roaring cool dude RCG is. FUCK YES I LOVE ALLITERATION. (lol extra bonus points for fitting "rip roaring" into this post. Don't hate, congratulate!"

Dyno-mite!

Really though, the amount of ornamental shrubs I adorne my home with aside, I'm a pretty upbeat fellow. I'd be down with meeting an equally upbeat lady to bebop around town with occasionally. This time of year I have a pretty rigid schedule of working 8-5 M-F and then spending Sat/Sun at the camp with the family but should you prove interesting enough I would gladly break that stellar (read: boring) routine to catch a movie, catch a meal, catch some fireflies... catch anything really. Except a disease.

I do like to hunt, fish, and camp. I also wear blue jeans and work boots most days out of the year and drive a pickem-up truck, but I would greatly appreciate it if I wasn't automatically dismissed as some hillbilly. Unless you're like a member of PETA or something in which case dismiss away because I hate you anyway you crazy ass. I may do a few country things but I'm missing a few key ones as well. I don't own a cowboy hat, or cowboy boots. I don't own or wear a belt buckle. I have all of my teeth and they're quite straight and intact (You must not be native to Lafayette). I don't live in a trailer park. I've never had any sort of illicit affair with any member of my family be it man woman or beast (That's a serious plus). I lean conservative but I'm a libertarian if you had to label me on a political spectrum. I believe in God but I'm not religious in the traditional sense... I don't even know if there is a word for that.

I read about a book a week, unless it's a particularly long book. I'd much rather chillax on the couch and read a few chapters than turn on the TV. In fact sense I started reading this series I haven't turned my TV on at all. I heard Game of Thrones was a really good show on HBO and found out it was based off of a series of books so I started reading it and yes, it is quite good. I've enjoyed reading for as long as I can remember since I learned how to read. Somewhere along the way I picked up a love of writing as well (can you tell? this post likely already trumps the second longest post on in this section by three fold so far). I occasionally wish I had the ambition to sit down and write something substantial... but I haven't found it yet. I even considered starting a blog since I've always gotten complimented on the way I word my viewpoint when I start to ramble about things (a la right now).

The great thing about writing down something rather than simply saying it is that you can phrase things in a way and use words that are simply out of place in normal day to day conversation. Perhaps I am simply not a skilled enough orator to pull it off, however. Who knows?

One last thing I want to touch on is something that I get comments on frequently so I feel it is important to mention is size. No... not that size, you perv. Basically it boils down to if you prefer more normal sized people or if you're interested in bopping around with someone who is 99.9% of the time the largest, most intimating, and sometimes described as "scary" person in the room. I don't mean morbidly obese, if that's what you're thinking. When someone who is huge in that manner walks into a room people are like "oh look at that poor bastard I hope I never get like that." When I meet people I get things like "how tall are you" and "where did you play football" and "you said your name was RCG? I'll make sure to remember that next time I get into a bar fight" and "that is a mountain of a man right there" and once from my father I got "damn son, I wanted you to grow up big and strong but I expected you to stop eventually." If random people come up to address me who don't know my name I frequently get called "big man" and if one of my co-workers needs to direct someone to speak to me they say "you need to go talk to the really big guy over there." My mother says she likes going to crowded places with me because everyone moves out of my way and she can just follow in the hole that I make, lol. I'm frequently compared to farm animals... most often oxen or mules.

However, intimidating as I may be I'm usually the most gentle and friendly person people know. One friend was heard saying "I used to be scared of RCG until I heard him talking about how adorable some puppies were and saw him playing with his nephew. He's harmless!" It is what it is. I learned as a teenager to control the temper that I very much have because if I lose it people and/or things get broken and/or hurt, lol.

That's like 2 solid paragraphs about that now... I think that's sufficient. Probably more than sufficient... but if I do anything well it's type. Fingers just flying across the keyboard over here while this cigarette burns down in the ashtray and I'm not even sure what's being said. If this post lands me in court I'll deny it all!

For real though, I find myself frequently bored these days and I need someone equally bored to spend a little quality time with. Maybe go look at some Christmas lights in a few weeks for kicks or something equally childish. I do enjoy childish things... so if you'll pardon me I've got a LEGO castle that is in dire need of a moat.

Put "rip roaring" or "lego moat" in your e-mail so I know you're for real. Choose wisely, which phrase you pick says a lot about you!

OH YEAH! 2 pair! Wear 2 pair of pants cause I'll charm the first pair right off ya and then you wouldn't be decent :D "

Dyno-mite!





Sunday, November 13, 2011

real bored


...because you ran out of tape? taping things to yourself loses appeal after a while? Or do you just have a serious problem with misplacing your beers? Ninja-proof beers! Uh huh... Do you reload or is this how you limit yourself to two drinks?

Very clever to keep two fingers free so you can still smoke. Shows ingenuity.  

Friday, November 11, 2011

Attractive Male in S. Charlotte

Hey look it's a guy that wants to cheat on his girlfriend! Wouldn't it be so wonderful to be used for your body while he's using her for money?!

User says: "Ok to be totally honest, I am in a relationship but it has been unfilfilling for a while now. at the same time i'm not ready to just throw in the towel completely but her career is defenitely her priority over spending time with me so i would like to start hanging out with someone who is understanding of my situation, goes with the flow, and likes to cuddle from time to time. I am 27, 5'10 mixed, clean cut and hoping i somewhat find what im looking for. please reply with a pic and ill do the same and reply to you. A female who can meet during the daytime is a plus and I can do the hosting"

Which means he's sticking around as long as she keeps paying the rent for the place he'll be hosting at. What a winner wiener...




Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cleaning, Adult Style - Nude House Cleaning

Family coming for the holidays? No time to get that extra cleaning done? Do you just want to watch some strange naked guy walk around your house with a duster? Junk swaying in the wind...

Nude House Cleaner says: "Cleaning is boring and you don't want to do it, but now it can be fun!!! 23 yr old Male 5"8 130lbs - Offering nude house cleaning at $25/hr. This IS NOT a sex ad. This is a nude maid service, like a stripper but with a twist. Please be respectful and discreet. I will come fully clothed and ready to clean. Will walk around naked and vaccum, sweep, mop etc. If interested please leave a name and number and I will contact you back. Serious inquirys only. Thank you"

Also makes a great gift!

If there's someone on your list you're just not sure what to get this year consider giving the gift of a clean house. Grandma doesn't really want another...calendar, coffee mug, mouse pad, etc... with your kid's face on it. Your kindergartner's teacher has enough soap, lotions, and candles to last a lifetime.  Why not give them something unexpected this Christmas? Something they'll remember for many years to come. Nothing will surprise like the Nude Cleaner!



Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Looking

In a Relationship says: "Well lets see, where to start.....im 26 6ft 215ish...i have a 1yr old son, im currently in a relationship that i just dont know about..dont want to explain on here more for private chats! i know its out there but im looking for somebody else! please be in good shape(im not skinny but not fat fat) around my age and if things work and what not please be willing to be in my sons life! lets see i love sports, football/basketball/nascar etc..love movies....i work full time and expect you to aswell!"

You're gonna be working overtime soon. Ya know for being a douchebag you have pretty high standards.



Monday, November 7, 2011

Shiny Spandex Guy is back

Figured you all were wondering if Shiny Spandex Guy met his kinky match or not. We're here to report that he's still on the prowl. In his latest ad he tamed things down considerably. Seems he's going for the element of surprise this time around.

Shiny Spandex Guy says: "Looking for an attractive, height-weight proportionate, single white or asian female under 43 who loves playing video games, especially 'cooperative' games like mmorpgs.
I am a 7+ year veteran on City of Heroes and look forward to trying Star Wars the Old Republic.
Other shared interest may include biking, tennis, movies, watching tv: (Terra Nova, Person of Interest, Big Bang Theory, Mike & Molly, 2 Broke Girls, ect), board games,
plays and musicals at a local performing arts center, swimming, snorkeling, scuba diving, running errands together, Starbucks, and traveling to the beaches, mountains,
and more. Please be happy, in perfect health, and have NO pet allergies.

I am a professional, classy, sexy SWM 43, 6' tall, slender (not muscular), with rich, dark brown hair and blue eyes.
I bike 10+ miles every morning and try to eat right. I live in a gorgeous, spacious 3 br house in southeast Charlotte
have no roommates. I am not looking to jump into bed with anyone anytime soon, but I am kinky, so you should
be too. I am not available for anything short term. I am not looking to get married, but my potential mate should
seek solid friendship with the hope of developing a serious, monogamous relationship that will last forever.
Be open to cohabitation.

Your photos get more of me.
If you seriously interested, please put 'common interests' in your subject line so I know your not spam.
Thanks."

We've seen your other photos. Thanks, but no thanks.


Friday, November 4, 2011

Master seeking female slave/lover!

Are you down with the clown?

Master in BDSM says: "Hello girls, you got a sweet and careing, loveing man in need of the same from a women. I'm 5' 6, 200 in weight. I got brown hair, blue eyes. I'm looking for a skinny girl that is gothic, down with the clown. You must have pics to send me so I might see you. Once you get to know me you'll find that I'm a nice guy with alot to give. I like to party, hang with friends. I drink and smoke(Cigs) I love to Role Play on this site called IMVU.com I'm a Master in BDSM."

Thought IMVU was for 14 year olds. Also thought the same thing about sleeping on a mattress without a sheet. How do you become a "Master in BDSM"? Is that a matter of your own personal opinion or is there like a certification program? 



Searching - 23

We're sure someone wants to...

Virgin says: "Anyone want to give me an early Christmas present and take my virginity? I can go multiple rounds and I am good at oral and fingering, so you'll be satisfied at the end of the night I promise."

...but they charge by the hour.




Thursday, November 3, 2011

**Free place to live**Need a study and sex partner!! - 38

The opportunity you all have been waiting for....

Look'n for Sex says: "Im 38 going back to school looking for a smart maybe a college student who needs a place to live and likes to have sex.No rent if you help me.Must be a dog lover.I've been out of school for 20 years please help me!!"

 Oh wait... it's just a pathetic attempt to get an 18 to 21 year old in the sack. Sorry bout that.






Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Looking for Queen of my Doublewide Trailer - 39

Possibly the worst fake personal ad ever.

Bubba says: "Hi, my name is Bubba. I desire an angry, self absorbed, egocentric, narcissistic, control freak type woman that appreciates and posseses similar virtues to mine for a long mutually demeaning relationship. Added bonus if you are moody, manipulative, materialistic, or tantrum throwing.

I also have a thing for big haired chicks who have taken out a ceiling fan or two with their hair-do, but even if you don't got big hair, as long as you got some of the above qualities, i'm all for it.

I'm 4'10" and 465lbs. I'm grossly unattractive, eternally unemployed, unquestionably impotent, repulsively pathetic, arrogantly narcoleptic, trailer park living, hygienically disregarding, genital scratching, incontinent wearing, patholigical liar with a nasty attitude, bad breath, fashionably hairy back, an IQ of 75 and absolutely no sense of humor.

But even if you don't have big hair, since there are so many spammers here on CL, please mention big hair somewhere in the subject of your message.

xo
Bubba

PS, to my ex-wife: Quit flagging my post!"

If any of that were true you wouldn't know how to spell words like appreciates, let alone narcissistic. If you want to come off as a backwoods sister lover you gotta learn to talk and spell like one. That fancy talk of yours just takes away from what would have been a funny post. Stop trying so hard.  





Sunday, October 30, 2011

best dating quiz ever!

No, not at all actually.

Quiz Guy says: "I had some doubts about meeting someone decent on Craigslist, but I thought I'd check it out. The women4men section yielded nothing worth responding to. Now I did notice someone had a quiz. It was lame so I didn't answer. I made my own:

1. First things first, what's your excuse for being here?

a. Sheer entertainment. But the post was interesting so I had to respond.

b. Sheer entertainment. The post was interesting and I had to respond, but I have no intent in ever meeting you.

b. I can't con anyone into going out with me in real life.

c. I can't find anyone to go out with in real life, because every guy I have run into is the same, typical, sacramento-area asshat.

d. I can't find anyone to go out with in real life because I am a pretentious twit.

e. Who needs an excuse to be here? In fact, once we do meet, I will enthusiastically announce to everyone this is where we met!

Our answer is: To make fun of you and others like you. Also, you put "b." twice dipwad.

2. How long does it take you to get ready for work?

a. Work? As in, a job? Not applicable!

b. 10 minutes. I barely even brush my teeth. Brushing the top row is good enough. (Does anyone really do that?)

c. 11-90 minutes.

d. 90+ minutes. I have to look good... gotta have SOME way to compensate for my mediocre work performance.

Our answer is: This is a stupid question.

3. What is your educational level?

a. High school

b. GED (Good Enough Diploma!)

c. Bachelors

d. Masters

e. PhD, JD, MD, etc. (but I am not a dork)

f. PhD, JD, MD, etc. (and yes, I am better than you for it.)

Our answer is: c. BS in piratry. We've got the "Aaarrggh" to prove it.


4. What is your occupational status?

a. None, still in school.

b. Still in school, but have a job, thus I have no time to actually hang out with you.

c. Still in school, have a job, and still have time to hang out with you because hey, who needs sleep?

d. No more teachers, no more books. I work.

e. I work and it is my life.

f. I have a sugar-daddy. But he's too old to take care of *some* things if you know what I mean, so that's why I'm on Craigslist.

g. I got laid off. Thanks George W. Bush.

h. I'm on welfare and love it. Thanks Bill Clinton.

i. Unemployed trust fund baby!

Our answer is: It doesn't matter because we don't want to hang out with you. Ever.


5. How do you like your job?

a. Eh, It pays the bills, because we don't all have a sugar-daddy, welfare, or trust fund.

b. It sucks, and I will make sure you hear about it every...single...day.

c. It sucks, but it's a means to an end, and how I spend the rest of my time keeps me sane.

d. It's a good job. I think I make the world a better place.

e. It's a good job. Selling cocaine makes the world a better place.

f. It's my dream job.

Our answer is: e. and f.


6. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?

a. Go out? As in, have a social life? Not applicable!

b. 10 minutes. I'm secretly a man.

c. 11-90 minutes.

d. 90+ minutes. And you will wait, and like it, because that is just the beginning of my high maintenance regime. Wait 'til you see the purse I have purchased to carry my fu-fu fluffy ass dog in.

Our answer is: b. and d. Because we're secretly a high maintenance man.

7. On that note, what kind of pets do you have?

a. Pets? No thanks, I'm allergic.

b. None, I live in a place with a totalitarian management regime that prohibits any animal companionship.

c. One cat. That's all I need.

d. One small dog. I have to have something to put in my dog purse.

e. One large dog. Because I have possible underlying insecurity issues.

f. Multiple cats. Cat lady in training, hell yes.

g. Multiple dogs. Because I love spending hours repairing/restoring the furniture destroyed in my house.


Our answer is: A faithful parrot. Every pirate has a parrot. It's a requirement of the BS program in piratry.


8. What are you looking for in a guy?

a. A guy? As in, a male? Sorry, lesbian here. Not applicable!

b. Anyone NOT like my ex.

c. Hmm, not sure, I play things by ear and determine compatibility as I meet people.

d. I have a long list of requirements for a guy. See above answer about my being a pretentious twit.

Our answer is: Must be an adept at swabbing a deck. Speaking pirate is a plus.


9. What is your ideal vacation?

a. Who needs a vacation when you don't have a job!

b. Vacation? Who has time for a vacation?

c. My job is a vacation.

d. Going to Grandma's in Altoona.

e. Going to the beach to catch up on reading and catch some melanoma.

f. Going to another country.

g. Going on some outdoor expedition trip. I like vacations that leave me more exhausted than I was before I left.

h. Going on a humanitarian mission because someone, somewhere needs 1000 pairs of shoes dropped off in their village.


Our answer is: b. Coke addicts never take a break from needing coke. Ugly things could happen if we took a vacation.


10. What kind of music do you like?

a. Music? Who has time for music? (Can anyone be too busy for music? It kind of does all the work for you. Being dead is the only excuse for this. Rotting doesn't leave a lot of time for other activities.)

b. Stuff you have never heard of. Because I'm on the cutting edge of what's good.

c. Stuff you have never heard of. I make sure to listen to that, because it makes me feel like I'm better than everyone else.

d. Whatever's on the radio. I'm not picky.

e. Whatever I can download illicitly for free.

f. I MAKE music. And I'm damn good.

g. I make music, and I'm not that good, but I can definitely rock it with a didgeridoo.

Our answer is: 70's Porn Music.


11. What do you do to keep healthy?


a. Ummm what?

b. Work out incessantly. I vill break you.

c. Work out enough, but definitely don't have veins popping out of my forearms.

d. Who needs to work out when you have these genes!

e. Who needs to work out when you never eat?

f. I don't have time for that crap.

g. I have a gym membership, and I will start using it soon. I know that was my New Year resolution in 2008, but I mean it this time.

Our answer is: Coke and orgies do the trick.

12. What are your thoughts on religion?

a. It's a crutch for people who can't think for themselves.

b. It's something I was raised with, but don't give a damn about now. Pun intended.

c. I go to church every week. Sometimes more than once. In fact, I'm late for it right now. Praise tha lawd.

d. I only go to church on major holidays, because I know "God" will forgive me for not going more often, so why bother?

e. I am spiritual but not religious, because I have things figured out and don't need someone preaching it.

f. I belong to a religion you've never heard of. But we did have a compound in Waco, Texas a while back....


Our answer is: c.

13. You and I take a trip to BeverageLand. It's 5 p.m. What do you get?


a. Water. I'm a square.

b. A sports drink. Because I don't realize that those are only for physical activity lasting 45 minutes or longer....

c. Juice.

d. Tea. Honest Tea.

e. Coffee. Caffeine addicts, unite!

f. A pint of pilsner. I was Bavarian in a past life.

g. A pint of Guinness. I was Irish in a past life.

h. A shot of vodka. I was Polish in a past life.

i. A glass of Absinthe. I just watched Eurotrip and just have to see what all the fuss is about.

j. A fruity, girl drink that contains more sugar than alcohol.

Our answer is: Something strong to help you seem interesting.


14. Can you cook?


a. Do ramen noodles count?

b. No, but I will do the dishes if you do.

c. No. Cooking would mean getting my hands dirty. Ew.

d. Yes. But I'm terrible, though you will be expected to pretend to like it.

e. Yes, it's my job!

f. Yes, but I can only bake desserts. I realize that does you no good except having something to bring to holiday office parties.

g. Yes, and I would make that Rachael Ray tramp cower in fear of my casseroles.

Our answer is: You best cook for your damn self and clean the dishes.

15.How are you in the bedroom?

a.The way you ride a thouroughbread should be copied by every woman that wants to keep a man.

b.You give the best oral in the world your mouth brings more pleasure than any one man can handle and u like doing it.

c.You give good oral but you dont like to do it only if the guy is lucky.

d.Your nothing but a mammal and you just like to be bent over like they do on the discovery channel.

e. you like girls also and your against the saying that 3 is a crowd
f.You failed kindergarten and you dont want to share.

Our answer is: You're a douche.


16. Can you dance?


a. Are you kidding? White girls can't dance!

b. Only when severely intoxicated.

c. Yes, but I only do it when no one is around. Though I admittedly gawk at myself in the mirror while doing it a la Footloose.

d. Yes, especially at raves, while sucking on a glowstick and popping *E.

e. Yes, I would make the cut for Dancing With the Stars, but they once paired me with David Hasselhoff's hairy chest so that was the end of that.

Our answer is: We can dance.  <--right click and open in a new tab.


17. What kind of first date is ideal?


a. Anything involving food.

b. A movie, because having an actual conversation is entirely overrated.

c. Coffee. I will have my laptop and sudoku puzzles with me in case things get lame.

d. Beer. Football. Tailgate. What more could one ask for?

e. Anything with an adrenaline rush.

f. None of the above. I answered before that I wasn't meeting you, so get the hint already. For whatever reason I wanted to continue answering this quiz because I have no life.

Our answer is: Wrestling gators. You get to go first.

There. That's all I can think of at the moment. Feel free to add your own creative answers if mine don't work for you. Go ahead and attach a picture too, because I'm not a fan of surprises... like facial hair on a woman."


Here's a recent picture. The lighting wasn't very flattering....

*Studs of Craigslist does not sell or condone the selling of illegal substances. All answers are made up. Photograph provided does not belong to Studs of Craigslist. It is of some other weirdo.



Saturday, October 29, 2011

COMFORTABLY DISTURBED - 27

It's been a while since we've had a Craigslist lunatic on the site.

For all those Chris Farley fans out there that have always wanted to date a man that lives in a van down by the river...  

Hardcore Radical Extremist says: "My brain seems to be defective (Oh, good). I haven't worked in a decade, I'm lazy, I'm depressed, I get high everyday, I don't really like people and I live in a van (okay...). I'm also a hardcore radical extremist (I'm anti-federal government, anti-federal reserve, anti-government schools, anti-globalist, anti-TV, anti-fast food, anti-beef, anti-pork, anti-GMO, anti-aspartame, anti-MSG, anti-hydrogenated oils, anti-BPA, anti-fluoride, anti-microwave ovens, anti-smart phones, anti-vaccines, anti-most pharmaceuticals, anti-detergent soap, anti-deodorant, anti-compact fluorescent light bulbs, anti-a lot of stuff and there's a list of things I would never allow in my house/van and an even longer list of stuff I will passionately freak out about) (Strangely enough we're anti all those things too yet manage to not live in a van down by the river, be depressed, or addicted to drugs) but I think that's normal (Of course you do). I know they've brain damaged the public and are setting up a global government to exterminate everybody. I live in reality.

If that hasn't turned you off, nothing else about me will (Don't be so sure about that, there's more awesomeness to come). I'm not what you'd expect when you think of a bum living in a van. I drink my Tangy Tangerine multivitamin everyday, I brush my teeth every night, I even floss and use baby wipes so I don't get stinky butt. I'm not hard to get along with, I'm easy to talk to, honest, don't like confrontation and will not participate in yelling matches. I'm someone who feels bad for even thinking about doing something that isn't honorable. I do what's right not because of the consequences but because I couldn't sleep at night if I wronged somebody. I have nothing but contempt for police and all laws that wouldn't be considered common. I've been the suspect of more hot pursuits than I'd care to recall so I'm not the type of person who feels the need to jump out an airplane. I've had enough excitement here on the ground. I'm not sure how I survived my young adulthood but the propensity for me acting recklessly is something that exists and will persist. I use to be wild but now I'm mild. I'm a cat person who listens to talk radio, takes trips to historic sites and use to own chickens. I exercise when I live indoors, do a lot of hiking and ATV/Motorcycle riding so I can't see myself with a super heavy chick. Riding on trails out in the mountains is and will probably always be my favorite activity. I'm good with kids but if you have any of your own, that's too bad because I tried that a couple times and I'll never date a mother again unless the father was dead or as good as dead. So by now you should've been able to decide our compatibility. I'm not against just being friends because I am very, very bored. Like most homeless people, I'm doing a lot gamblin' and drinkin' so I have plenty of free time for whatever (Like more gamblin' and drinkin'! Maybe pick up some meth while you're at it).

SATIRE: I have greater aspirations then to live in this van poopin' in a bag of kitty liter the rest of my life. One day, I'd like to move into a bigger van or by the grace of god, a trailer. I'll move into some sun baked park out in the desert, start having babies and getting John Denver drunk. I know one day that special someone I knocked up will come along and slip that special something into my drink and I'll find myself at the Liquor/Tattoo/Wedding Chapel downtown. From that point forward it'll only be legitimate welfare babies and half a case of Natty Ice a day for me. The stains on my wife beater will spell out responsibility. That was chapter one. Do you want chapter two? You better you son of bitch, I know the way.

I don't know why living in a van arouses so much fear the domesticated public. Just because I cruise by the playground real slow blasting the ice cream jingle doesn't mean I'm going to snatch your kid and hit the interstate. When I'm prowling through your neighborhood at night, it doesn't mean I'm about to strip and start streaking through backyards. You're not going to catch me spooning your dog. It ceases to amaze me they start a Federal investigation every time I park outside a federal building with some of my Iranian buddies. And those screaming women you see me dragging in the back of my van are good friends of mine. It's not like I have a place out in the desert where I dump bodies and beat off. You're the only one thinkin' that way, lady.

WRITER COMMENTARY: If you need to say "I'm not trying to be a bitch" than you probably are one all the time. If you looked at my anti-list and thought "this crazy man thinks light bulbs are bad" than you are in very real and deadly danger. Google "water fluoridation, vaccine danger, aspartame" and today's the day you become a paranoid schizophrenic. Commercial authoritarianism has enslaved the western world. The federal government and the multi-national corporations that own it, work together to poison you through food, water, vaccines, drugs and they use public education and the television set to control your mind. If you don't know the TV is the greatest weapon of war ever invented than you are living in a false reality. What you think is true and false, right and wrong, safe and dangerous has been manipulated upside down, your thoughts aren't even your own, you believe you've come to conclusions when in true reality; the TV has implanted these ideas while you were in a highly suggestible hypnotized state. If you have kids and ignore my warning, shame on you and you'll suffer terribly for it.

I spent sometime with children and I feel like I should share some of this because I'm bored. If you think a five year old can't out smart you than you are pathetically ignorant. I've witnessed reasoning skills showed by your average five year old that actually made me feel threatened. They can understand concepts a lot of the brain damaged adults can't grasp.

My ex had two kids and when this radical came into their lives they would say "McDonald's Yay!" when we'd drive by one and were exactly like what you think children are, if you believe in the television set. I'm hardcore, so I explained to them why I would never take them to McDonald's or wouldn't give them candy or other junk food. They didn't take it too hard because I love playing in the woods and going to the playground. I'm basically a really big kid myself when it's not my duty to be a man. I practice what a preach so the candy gave way to dried fruit, and after weeks of watching me eat heaping piles of vegetables, guess who started saying they wanted to eat nothing but vegetables for dinner? I didn't even have to try and in a very short time the kids wanted to eat healthy and would say "bad McDonald's bad!" I'm pretty sure it only worked out so swimmingly because I believe in what I say and do. They want to imitate the people they admire in their lives and are a mirror image of their environment. You can't tell a child to "eat right and exercise" then sit in front of the TV, smokin' ciggies and eating chocolate. If you do that you'll send a TV watching, ciggy smokin' diabetic adult out into the world.

If you think not taking a child to McDonald's is somehow depriving them of something then you're a sad person (Actually have to agree with that). You're so brainwashed you think children can't live without corn syrup and plastic play lands. If society is the body then McDonald's is the cancer. I know I'm terrible person but instead of McDonald's we stood in volcano calderas, explored lava tubes and the redwoods, swam in mountain rivers underneath waterfalls, picked bouquets of wild flowers for their mom and did other stuff that human's use to do. You know? The kind of stuff that sets a young mind on fire with creativity and wonderment. The exact opposite of the false reality you live in and can keep. Obviously, I'm not perfect and I definitely have my shortcomings and less than appealing personality traits but compared to most, I'm a god among men.

If you're FAT you'll want to read this. Living in a van is very hard on the body. I'm sure you noticed that it's been getting cold out. Try waking up outside every day. No, really, give it a try. Last winter I had no idea what living outside would do to me. After two weeks, I noticed I was losing weight, and no matter what I did, I was always cold and hungry. I started eating as much as I possibly could since I was hungry all the time and it had no effect on my weight loss. In a little over three weeks, I went to the doctor and got weighed. I had lost twenty pounds in three weeks without exercise and while actually trying to eat as much food as possible. That's incredible (That's crack for ya). It you set up a tent in the yard and actually try to lose weight, I bet you would lose weight so fast you'd die. When I stopped spending so much time outside, luckily the weight loss stopped because if I lost another five pounds, I would've had zero percent body fat and I don't think I would've stopped losing weight. So if you start spending most of the day indoors you're not going to get the desired results.

Last but not least, if you're addicted to food and don't think you could ever sit down and enjoy a heaping pile of veggies for dinner, all you need to do is not eat for at least three days. By the second day of fasting you'll notice you're a little slower than usual but also that your hearing, smell, and taste will be at peak functioning ability. It's really cool if you never went without eating for a few days. It totally eliminates depression too (Refer back to the first paragraph of this ad please). I'm guessing it's your body's way of asking you nicely not to die. After three days of not eating, a raw carrot will make you drool all over yourself and you're ready to start your new diet. Your body is naturally addicted to high fat food so whatever you do, stay away from unhealthy foods or you'll have to starve yourself again and that's not the healthiest thing for your body.

If you witnessed the evolution of this ad, you can tell I've just about reached the max boredom level for Reno. It hasn't been so bad but it hasn't been so good either. When you drive your house around you have the freedom to move to another state or country on a whim (yeah, I got a passport) so if you're thinkin' about meeting this weirdo then I wouldn't sit on the fence for a month.

Pictures: Left to right, [Censored] I forgot the spineless public has a seizure when they see I civilian with a gun so you'll just have to trust me. I guess a picture of me pulling a chick's pants down isn't the best picture for a personal ad but this picture does speak volumes (What exactly is it speaking volumes of that you want people to know? Just curious). The next picture hopefully says I'm not dangerously insane and melts your heart (No, it says someone out there is crazier than you). I designed that Jack-O'-Lantern myself and cut it out perfectly in one try because I'm awesome. Happy Halloween!"

Ya know if you weren't a drug addicted alcoholic you just might be able to contribute to making the change in society you'd like to see. It really doesn't make sense to be vehemently against government approved poisons, into healthy eating and vitamins, just to get drunk and high everyday. That's pretty effin stupid. Just say'n.





Friday, October 28, 2011

Come stay the night - 19

19 Year Old Guy says: "Looking for a cool cute chick to stay with me tonight. Hang out watch movies drink if u want get to know each other and see how it goes. Not looking for a one night stand."

Afterwards when he doesn't return your calls, texts, or emails it'll be because his sick grandmother was attacked by squirrel monkeys while fervently seeking out a cure for textaphrenia in Tibet. He forgot his phone in the haste of packing to be by dear granny's side and the closest internet connection is a three week hike through the scorching heat of a desert riddled with giant poisonous scorpions....Not because it was a one night stand. It's true, we swear.




Thursday, October 27, 2011

wed morning sex - 32

Are you free Wednesday morning? Say 8 or so for about 5 minutes?

Has a Busy Schedule says: "looking for something short term...coffee then sex"

That's about as short term as it gets!

Coffee use to be code for sex. Guess people weren't catching on. Had to get a little more specific. Maybe drop the coffee all together and just say sex. That way no one's surprised when there isn't any coffee...



Documentary: My Penis and Everyone Else's

This documentary was not found on Craigslist and is not related to Craigslist. According to a description provided by the BBC "...he (Lawrence Barraclough, the director) attempts to pinpoint the relationship between penis size and how guys see themselves as men." Perhaps it will help us better understand the studs we find on Craigslist and why they are so compelled to share images of their member with everyone.

*Warning: Video is NOT pornographic but does contain some nude images of male genitalia. The words penis and dick are said frequently throughout the documentary. And at about 35 minutes you can see incisions being made during a penis enlargement surgery. Some may consider this part graphic. View at your own discretion.


Directed by Lawrence Barraclough

*Video belongs to whoever created it. Studs of Craigslist does not have any rights to the video. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

girls!

Species unimportant.

"hmm..cute girls message me? i like short/small/tiny girls. :P my name is darren. (i'm not spam) and i just hateee feeling lonely. :/ so message me on here, text me (seven zero two) three five five six five four three, or fb (facebook.com/dreamcity628)."


Seems they've grown apart.




Sunday, October 23, 2011

I thought I found what I was looking for...

Mike says it all for us.

Mike says: "... but it turns out I was wrong. So here I am... trying again.

WARNING: This post is not for the meek or super sensitive. I guarantee that it will offend about 90% of you viewing it right now. Therefore, I'm interested in the 10% of females that it doesn't offend.

Greetings and salutations, ladies! My name is Mike. Hello there. I'm a sexy, single, eligible bachelor. I'm 38 years old. Which is one step closer to 40. Which is one step closer to winding up in senior housing alone unless I find a suitable mate. Which is why I am here pimping myself on the Internet. GO ME! And since we all die in 2012, I better hurry the hell up, right? Right.

This post is long. Which means I can talk and hold a conversation. I'm just forewarning you. If, by the end of this, you don't get me or my humor, than CLEARLY you should not contact me. Do I need to state the obvious? You'd be surprised at some of the responses I get. So, yes, I need to state the obvious.

In my former life, I was a radio personality working in radio broadcasting for about 15 years or so. But now I work for a great company called Honey Bucket. I service and maintain portable restrooms. True story! What can I say? I'm extreme! That's how I roll! I like using exclamation points, too! And like with every job (including my previous radio career), I deal with shit all day. *drum roll, cymbal crash* Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your servers!

I've pretty much been single all my life. However, I have sustained a few long-term relationships over the years. I've never been married and I have no children. However, it's quite possible that I have an illegitimate love child or two running about in a Wal*Mart somewhere in this great nation of ours.

Yet, there is no denying I'm a sexy beast. And a great kisser from what I've been told. (Thanks mom! I'm KIDDING!) You know what else makes me sexy, ladies? Well, a couple of things. Actually, a list of things. While I'm writing this list, I might want to make a grocery list. I'm out of some stuff.

Bread, milk, butter, toothpaste, Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream, Lay's Salt & Vinegar potato chips, beer... oh wait, I was composing a personal post, huh?

#1: I have a GREAT sense of humor. That's right, I said GREAT. G-R-E-A-T. When you and I go out on our first date, I'll bring by a squad of cheerleaders to spell that out. Of course, today's modern youth will simplify that spelling with some sort of cyber speak, I'm sure. "Gimme a "G", gimme an "R", give me the number "8"!"

#2: I have a job. That in itself makes me hot and desirable, huh? Damn straight. It's not just a job, it's an adventure. I mean, COME ON! The elite portable restroom industry provides funny (and gross) stories to last a lifetime. I even wear a stylish uniform. And women love a man in a uniform.

#3: I have my own place. Finally, no more asking mom and dad if I can bring a girl home. BWHAHAHAHAHA! I reside in a cool apartment in Sugar House. Or is it Salt Lake? I'm like right on the edge of the two areas. I'm in Salt Sugar. Or Lake House. Or Sugar Lake. Whatever.

#4: I have my own car. Actually, I just bought myself a new pickup truck. Well, new to me. It's a 2000 Ford F-150 4x4 nicknamed "Whitey Ford". Not because I'm racist but because it's a white Ford. Get it? It's a play on words! I had other ideas and suggestions for the nickname like Harrison, Gerald, Henry, Lita, Betty and Canta.

#5: I don't have a drug problem (although this post might make you think otherwise) and never have. I have tried pot four times in my life. Two of those times created legendary... EPIC... tales.

#6: I'm disease free with a suitable penis. The only real physical problem with me is dry skin. And sometimes heartburn. Possibly some mental issues, too. I just recently had my gall bladder removed, as well. So if you're hot for guys with gall bladders, don't look here.

#7: I don't care for sports and very rarely find the need to watch them. This could be a good or bad thing. I do enjoy going to or watching a basketball or hockey game. I'm not so big on football nor do I understand it at all. However, I am open to some insight and education. Cut me some slack here because I was raised by a single mom who is just as oblivious to sports as I am.

#8: I'm not religious. Much like the sports thing, this could be good or bad. I'm not closed-minded about religion, mind you. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty much an Atheist. Could I interest you in some information about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

#9: I'm also the following things - witty, charming, loving, caring, sharing, smart, honest, open, direct, forward, outgoing, creative, fun, exciting, seductive, a hopeless romantic and cute. And, apparently, full of myself.

Oh, but don't worry. I have more than enough faults, too. Let's see...

I'm a man. That seems to be the biggest fault women seem to have with me. Therefore, I belch and fart. It's just a part of my species. I sometimes forget to put the toilet seat down. I can be lazy. I can be late. I can just not care either way. I can be argumentative. I can be cranky/grouchy (especially when I haven't had coffee). I can be quiet and moody. I can be irrational. I can be outrageous. I can be embarrassing. I'm completely awful with my finances.

So, like YOU, I can be very much human. Anyway, I'm looking for someone who takes my breath away every time I look at or think about her. Not just with her looks but with her inner beauty... with her style... with her street smarts... with her intelligence... with her humor... with her sensuality... with her naughtiness... with her sexuality... with her taste in music... with her love of films...

I think you get the picture.

By the way, I have a HUGE thing for redheads. Second to that would be those black haired raven beauties. Coming in third would be brunettes. So, blonds, I'm sorry... you come in fourth.

But I'm not going to exempt someone as my possible perfect match and life partner just because of her hair color. That's just retarded. But redheads get first dibs on The Mike (Oh why oh why could we not be a redhead? Those lucky b...).

In closing, I'd like to highlight some guidelines and deal breakers. Are you ready? Here we go:

Please NO women who aren't completely over their ex-lovers, boyfriends or husbands.
Please NO former strippers/escorts/hookers/whores/tramps/sluts/bitches/full-blown skanks. (If you're somewhat of a skank, that's cool.)
Please NO smokers.
Please NO douche bags.
Please NO airheads.
Please NO flakes.
Please NO fakes.
Please NO liars.
Please NO women who utilize heavy doses of cleavage to get attention.
Please NO ALL CAPS typists.
Please NO cyber speakers (i.e.: supplementing "u" for "you", "r" for "are", etc.).
Please NO cockteases.
Please NO reh-tards.
Please NO non-sense of humor types. (i.e.: not laughing at ANYTHING I've posted within the confines of this post. I mean, COME ON?! I know there has to be a few of you who know what I'm saying, right? And laughing, too.)
Please NO gold diggers.
Please NO women with pictures involving kissy/puckering lip/pouty/tee-hee-I-think-I'm-so-hot faces/poses.
Please NO women with pictures involving last year's (or ANY year, for that matter) slutty Halloween costume.
Please NO women who still use "Glamour Shot" pics/scanned/blurry pics or cheesy bathroom mirror pics. (REALLY?! Get a fucking tripod already!) (You really expect people to get a tripod to take pictures of themselves?)
Please NO illegal immigrants. I'm not here to get you a green card. (However, all LEGAL residents {no matter what country of origin or race} are welcome to hit me up.)
Please NO drug users (This includes pot, stupid.)
Please NO hugely religious types (This includes Mormons, stupid.)
Please NO overly tattooed/pierced types (If you're decorated in so much ink like a goddamn Jackson Pollack painting and pierced so much that it takes DAYS for you to pass through airline security, UGH!)
Please NO bad grammar types.
Please NO haters of "South Park" or "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
Please NO lovers of the "Twilight" series or of vampires, in general.
Please NO women that consider themselves "juggalettes".
Please NO lovers of texting/instant messaging/emailing as your only form of communication.
Please NO huge gamer types.
Please NO lovers of "permanent makeup" (i.e.: WHAT in THE HELL happened to your eyebrows?!)
Please NO women from Utah (This one is negotiable if you're NOT a typical Utah woman. Incidentally, I AM from Utah but truly feel like a stranger in a strange land.

There. That about covers it. Please reply with a picture, some charm and the words "GO MIKE GO" in your subject line so I know you read this and aren't goddamn spam. Thank you!"


Man that phone is old. You know you can pick up a phone for under 20 bucks just about anywhere these days. There are these new cool phones that don't even use cords. Think it's magic or something.