Saturday, December 31, 2011

curves on top would be gravy

Can Use Big Words says:  "I'm talking so big that they have their own moons orbiting and life evolved on them (Okay...). I'm taling so massive, that sometimes when you walk by little kids they stare and run into things. get up stare some more and then fall again. So big that guys cant help but look at them and sure it makes you uncomfortable, but at the end of the day you embrace it. Lets be honest with eachother. You're on here because you are lacking something and so am I. I'd like to have a LTR with a quality woman. But I have to be honest. I have a big time breast fetish. I like to cuddle, touch please message... hell you'll prob slap my hand away from them 10 times a day, but then again you may also grab them and ask me to touch them, because I treat ladies boobies very nice. Most guys do not actually pay breasts more than 5-10 mins of attention and then its on to "bigger and better" things. ... if you want hours of attention there, you got it. With a smile.

I'm funny. I'm not very handsome but built gr8 if I do say so myself. jk haha I'm for real. I have blue eyes that would make the color turquoise blush... or something. I'm manly. i can fix nada (You can't fix anything? You want to paw at boobs all day and you can't fix stuff?). I'm also well educated (Highly doubt that.)... i can school people in stuff. And I'm athletic... I can use big words and that will manifest itself early and often

That makes me a man (What makes you a man? Using big words you wouldn't be able to spell correctly? If being an idiot is considered manly...then sure!). BUt I do have a bearded face and I do love to cuddle... which makes me a manboy. Dont get scurred flash dance. I'll treat you right if you treat me right. I have my head on straight. Oh and I'm in good shape and I have a beautiful furry pee pee (WTH?!). Confirmed by science. It wont win any giant of the month awards, but its above avg and it will make a girl smile.

2012 in america w t f!!!! Well life has dealt me a bizarre hand. I am a sub 6 foot(thats under 6 feet tall for all you below the learning curvers) white male. And females in this day and age r like the politicians in that neither of them DO DI#K!!! anymore.Lesbos,stuck ups,no funs,tight asses,those who only roll with black guys--get me that time machine back to the 70's while i grow this foo man choo and sideburns and do it quick!Back to the loooove era!!

Butttt I do love how Hispanic girls dress and make up and exotic women. I love milfs. I love you if you fit my description. Moms LOVE them some me. But Dads know better. They will be lookin at me with the nasty stare cus they know what i do to their daughter and her delicious boobies (Wow).
Write "Are you worthy of my boobies" in the subject. Stop being a square you're whole life and just email me. I joke alot but I can be very serious. Im sorry not into black woman :(   (They won't mind) "

You're not worthy of Mantits' "boobies". Even he has some standards. Slither along now.


Friday, December 30, 2011

MUFFIN SLAVE SEEKING NEW MUFFIN QUEEN

Next time, maybe  a little more about yourself and a lot less about the last woman you were banging.

Muffin Slave says: "My ex-muffin Queen had some simple requirements:
Keep her muffin kissed, licked and pleased as often as possible, and on demand!
She even wore long night shirts and robes around the house, without underwear, for easy access. My head spent a lot of time under those garments!

In the mornings, my Queen wanted an early morning oral wake up call, while she was still snug and warm under the covers.
After work, my Queen wanted her favorite drink served to her in her favorite chair, and a soothing foot massage with some oral stress relief.
At bedtime, my Queen wanted an oral night cap to relax her and, allow her to get a great nights sleep.

Other requirements were:
Take her out to dinner once a week. Movie date when there was something good to watch.
Snuggle up on the couch and watch TV, always be ready to make a trip under the night shirt for some Queenly pleasure.
Frequent romantic trips to places like White Pines Forrest for a stay in their log cabins.

The old Queen had become an ex-Queen so I am looking for a new Queen with similar requirements.

I live and work in the North West Suburbs of Chicago in the engineering field. I am looking for a new Queen in the age range of 45 to 60.
Your only requirement is to enjoy your slaves pleasure giving skills! And to use them frequently!"

People don't usually like to think about their partner with someone else. People really don't like to think about their partner's mouth all over someone else's junk.




Thursday, December 29, 2011

Seeking Zombie Apocalypse Partner

Avid Outdoorsman says: "I'm in search of a wonderful woman who could hold her own and make a great strategic team with me in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Must be fit, loyal, and able to think on your feet. You must not only be able to drive with great speed and precision, but also not be hesitant to run over people (Love running people over. Do it every Sunday.)(this means undead people of course, if you're the type who likes to run over living people, I'm afraid we may not click) (Oh, guess I should have kept reading before getting excited.). I'm a 22 year old avid outdoorsman. I know many places in WNC which I'm confident would be safe from zombies. You and I together will be the last hope for the human race should a group of animal-rights activists break into a laboratory and free infected monkeys from their cages (brownie points if you can tell me which movie that happened in) (Does anyone not know what movie that was?). I ask that your prove your worth in the art of zombie killing by playing Nazi Zombies with me on Call of Duty at Game Xcape off Patton Ave (this will be our 1st 'date' with death). Your pic gets mine. Racists look elsewhere."


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Get it straight

Dashing Gentleman says: "OK...I'm admittedly a bit naive. I was in a relationship with one girl throughout all my twenties pretty much (22-28) and I've recently been thrust into the dating scene after I was forced to dump her for cheating on me...and frankly it sucks. What I have learned in the six months that I have been conversing with members of the opposite sex is that women appear to be horribly...HORRIBLY confused about what it is they want. I see ads and hear complaints from women about how they want a guy who is honest, kind, loving, caring, responsible etc. etc. ad nauseum but then when I show up, me being someone who possesses all of the qualities just described, I'm ignored and I watch the very girl who said she wanted all of the afore mentioned qualities in her mate fall for a man who I can clearly see is a hornball moron douchebag...So GET IT STRAIGHT LADIES!
Now you may be saying to yourself, "oh well he must be ugly or perhaps he is short or he's a pussy or there is something ostensibly wrong with him".

I tell you this is simply not true. I am a dashing gentleman of 5'11" ft in height, who rides motorcycles and will gladly knock some jackass's lights out if he crosses a line. By all measures, I belive myself to be a very attractive male in all regards. I'm well off, I hold down a steady job, I have my own house, I am applying to law school, I am articulate, an engaging conversationalist and I am most certainly not lacking in the area of passion. And yet, despite my entertaining stories, winsome smile and excellent qualities, I've failed to entice a lady to build a relationship with me beyond friendship and I've even watched as some of the ladies I've courted defer to morons who have to ride scooters around because of their multiple DUI's. Perhaps I am simply not finding the right ladies? I do not know. I'd really like to have a lady to snuggle with on these cold nights...well whenever the cold nights decide to arrive.

So here's the thing. I am not posting an ad here looking for a girlfriend. I am looking for some ladies to answer a question; What am I doing wrong? Should I act like an idiot and just hoot and holler at women? Should I be rude to women and treat them with indifference? What is it that you ladies truly want?"

No. You need to update your style, if you can call it style. Get a hair cut, lose the glasses, and the ridiculous jacket. Either commit to a full beard or shave that goatee off...What look are you going for? Irish beatnik? Lots of people think they are good looking, intelligent, and funny. Doesn't mean they really are. And none of your friends are going to be a dick and say "Hey, ya know you're kind of annoying and that goatee isn't doing anything for you." No, that's what we're here for. Good day.


http://asheville.craigslist.org/m4w/2764908026.html

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Only mildly crazy need apply

Probably 1-Beer Cute says: "It's about time to put on my big-kid shorts, and dive into the dating pool again. I'm an educated, somewhat normal 29 year old male, with a stable job, good roof over my head, multiple forms of reliable transportation, not too crazy, and probably 1-beer cute!

If you want to know more, and are'nt insane, drowning in dogs, or taken...hit me up"


Think it's going to take more than one beer.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Grandpaw is Lonely

Grandpas have needs too...

Grandpaw says: "So I am looking again. Nice guy here ,Just a little on the kinky side.Friends with benfits would be fine to start with.Also would love to meet a bi cpl thats enjoys a old man`s company"

...like threesomes. That's how ya want to think about your grandpa. Just go ahead and savor that mental image for a minute.

alone on cristmas go figure

No car?                                              Check!
No money?                                        Check!
No job?                                              Check!
Married?                                            Check!

Yup, he's everything you'd expect a Craigslist stud to be. He gets bonus points for mentioning NASCAR not once, not twice, but THREE times!

Prefers BBW says: "Hello first off i am glad to be in a new location I am from Fayetteville North Carolina. I am ex Army and going to the nascar technical institute. I am just trying to start my life over and rebuild, my ex wife rueind me so i am not divorced yet it will be final this coming year. my main goal is to graduate college and start a new career weather it be in nascar or a dealership working on cars. I want to find the right woman for me some one who i can trust and spend time with, i like nascar, hard rock music i am a drummer too. i just want to find some one that has the same intrest in me I prefer BBW women but a nice petete woman is a plus kids are okay but i want my own some day. i will have my car by the end of the month just waitng for my education bennefits to kick in. but just meeting some one and talking would be nice"






Thursday, December 22, 2011

ugly and dumb

Don't oversell yourself or anything.

Ugly and Dumb says: "i just moved here and no luck meeting anyone. i must be ugly or dumb. or both. if you dont think im ugly lets go do something. or if you think im ugly let me know if plastic surgery could help."

Here's your problem...You're a friggin WIENER! Plastic surgery can't do anything for that.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

You! Yes, you. Read this

Found Corey Haim and Corey Feldman's love child.

Haim-Feldman Love Child says: "Hi,

I am a logically-minded, affectionate, geeky guy, looking for a girl who has a kind and considerate nature, who is willing to hang out and let romance occur in a natural fashion. That might sound all too corny, but that's how I roll, dammit; I am corny-incarnate. Hobby-wise, I love to play video games, read, waste time on the internet, and all the other things that come with the 'nerd' package. This has made me somewhat introverted by nature, but nature itself does call out to me from time to time, as I would quite love to explore the world, go camping, fishing, hiking, and so on. As long as I have someone to do it with (or a group, even), I am down for adventure.

I would describe myself as: 5'10", a big guy, 23-years-old, an Atheist, a critical thinker, a casual drinker, a non-smoker, a non-drug-user, and an all around odd sort. But hey, the best things in life are odd! -- Or was that free? -- No matter, I'm free too!

I am self-employed, and quite busy now that it is Christmas time, but I am down to make time to meet someone new.

Sincerely,
Me."


The happy couple.



Love child working on his smirk to the left.


Smirk to the right.


Annnd back to the left. Ready for show biz? Oh yea! 



Think Feldman was probably the "mom".

Monday, December 19, 2011

Im the cat pajamas will u be the lucky one

Cat's Pajamas says: "here i am, single no kids yet wudnt mind a family now, own home and business funnee as hell make u laff so much ull pee ur panties lol, wudnt mind a relationship with the right one , wherer is she, i know she s out there anyway happy holidays ladies, call me ,,,"


This is him once upon a time. Don't mind the dirty socks or filthy floor there in the background.



This is him some time and pounds later. Just a wild guess here but he probably spent more time drinking than reading in college.



And finally we get to now.

What's the point of showing the high school picture? Are you hoping that someone will see it and think "Well, he use to be decent"? Because really it's just kind of depressing.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Dating season is closed - 29

Well, not really. He still wants to reap all the benefits of dating like companionship, intimacy, etc... he just doesn't want to put anything into getting them.

The Cheap Douche Bag says: "Dating season for me is officially closed until Feb. 15. My best friend was dumb enough to get locked down last week with some chick just met. Now he's going to be stuck going to family dinners, buying her a Christmas gift, doing the new years eve thing with her, doing the new years day lunch/dinner with her, and obligated to buy her a valentines day gift as well. God forbid she have a birthday in there too... The worst part is this is the first girl he met after his breakup, barely knows her, and chances are, will probably not be with her after the holidays lol. This is why men have dating season...

Anyways, despite the negativity the previous paragraph portrayed, I hate being single. Who enjoys sleeping alone every night? I will not be "dating" right now. At least, not in the normal sense of the word. I want a casual, no strings, no obligations, no gift buying scenario right now. No Christmas or New Years party requirements.

And I guess if I'm being this open and honest about what I'm looking for, I might as well say "please don't be fat". You don't have to be an athlete, but I'm not a fan of muffin tops or extra skin... Please forgive the "typical mirror pose", but I've seen people on here I know. Send a few pics with your reply, including a face and body, and I'll be happy to send a face pic as well :). "

Here ya go. Found what you're looking for. She's cheap, easy, and only needs air. You can spare some air right? or is that going to be too much trouble for you?  

Thursday, December 1, 2011

broken star looking for his glue to hold me together

Not even really sure what that title is supposed to mean. Probably isn't important. 

Comes with a used, but in good condition stripper pole...


...and is in need of a used, but in good condition woman to grind up and down it.

Will you be the lucky one?