Thursday, January 26, 2012

Tired of Looking?

Dipwad says: "Hello Internet.

(Hello Dipwad.)

Right now I'm looking for just sex (You don't say...), but I can be persuaded otherwise (Oh, sure. Tons of women will be staying up all night trying to figure out how. Mmhmm.).
I'm looking for a somewhat active, independent girl. Definitely someone who will weigh less than me!
(Cue the music: Click Here)
I am not a bulging muscle mass, I have to get back into fitness, but for now life's hectic...
(So it's okay for you to be an out of shape slob, but not the women you want to bone?)I'm a moderate drinker, don't smoke. I don't judge, neither should you (That means when he's drunk at 11am you shouldn't open your pie hole about it).
I'm very creative, independently minded, and intelligent.

Here are some ground rules, these will help me determine that you are a real person (And that you ACTUALLY READ my post.)

1. I'm not looking to hire a prostitute (No, you're not looking to hire because that means you have to pay. But if there were any hookers out there needing to do some community service...he could be persuaded...we are sure of that.)
2. I absolutely must have you send me a photo. I posted one to prove I'm real, now you do the same.
3. I will NOT follow any links to sites where I am supposed to upload personal information.

(Even though I put that there, I will get emails from THEM, so please hurry up and send me a message!)

Do you have a 'butt' like this? If so, I want to meet you - 45

Butt Pirate has been kind enough to include this picture of some random girl's butt for you to refer to. Go check the mirror now and see if you're up to his "standards".

Butt Pirate says: I am a 45 year old male who is seeking one womans company however, I have a 'type'.

This posting is 100% real and I want to find a woman who has a 'butt' like the picture you see. Just like the legs too if possible.

Get in touch with a picture or two of you and your 'butt' and Ill get back with you.

You MUST enjoy your 'butt' being 'enjoyed' by a wonderful, hansdome, romantic, sexual single male.

Subject line......'my A--" is ready.

I am craving a butt like this!!"

We're no experts on butts, but we're willing to wager this one belongs to a woman far to young for you weirdo. Stop taking pictures of people's asses while standing in lines. That's creepy.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Needs to Learn How to Spell says: "WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND A LADY IN PORTLAND THATS CURVY AND KNOWS WHAT A PARE OF OPEN TOE SHOES (We're not sure we know what a "pare" is either) ARE SOMEONE THATS NOT A HIPPY WANT_A _BEE I SWERE I NEED TO MOVE TO MIAMI !!!!!!! (Don't threaten the poor women of Portland like that, you're crushing dreams, breaking hearts, and shattering hope or something like that...)"

For one, you're in Portland. You don't go to Old Navy and expect to find a Big Mac. Also, it's cold and raining there 10 months out of the year. Thinking open toe shoes aren't the choice footwear for a reason.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


Yea...Sure...Why not?!

Kitty Licker says: Whays gud ladies (Translation: "What's good?"), I'm looking for that someone who love to get there pussy earing (Think he means eaten, probably wouldn't mind a piercing down there though...he seems cool like that), I want u to come over and sit on my face, I love eating pussy, and making u come over and over over leading to orgasms (What else would "coming" lead to? "coming"= orgasm), u must be clean, I'm mean shaved or well groomed (Washed is optional, as long as you are shaved)."

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

its too beautiful of a day NOT to have good sex! any1 interested?

So are rainy days like mediocre sex day?

Feels Like Playing says: "It's a wonderful day, and I'm feeling like playing..
If you're interested in a no strings friendship, write back and let's talk.." friends " in the subject line to speed thing up."

Be sure to put that "friends" in the subject line. Don't want to waste even a second of this beautiful day on NOT having good sex, when good sex is just a "friends" away.

 His stomach kind of looks like it's smiling. Can't. stop. looking. at. it : (  

Sunday, January 15, 2012

New to the area

White Dude says: "Well I'm just chillaxing at mi casa today. I am just doing my laundry, went grocery shopping, got my hair did, etc... I'm a 27 yr old white dude, here for school, and don't really know where anything is. I like to shoot pool, watch movies, football, listen to music, text, play video games, go out to eat..any one else?"

That seems normal enough....

What in the world is going on here? Are you having a seizure? Do you want to make out with a football? Is this a face you make often?? Don't think this is what anyone wants to wake up to in the morning...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Harold & Maude in reverse

Retired Fisherman says: "I'm a retired fisherman (sometimes eloquent profanity will roll right off my tongue) who needs to make up for all the sexual deprivation lost while being at sea. I'm wanting to find someone who is shorter than me and weighs at least 50 lbs less than me so we look good together. I want to be able to carry you in perilous times. No STD'S . I don't care if you work-out or do crack just as long as your thin and in shape like me."

You haven't tried every diet out there till you take up smoking crack. Eat whatever you want... oh no, wait... that's not right... crack doesn't leave you with much of an appetite.... but it's sure to get you back into those size 1 jeans! and leave you without teeth... who needs those when you don't eat?

Retired Fisherman also says: "...someone who doesn't mind a good bottle of wine, king crab , smoked salmon , creamed cheese and a Vicodin for a late night snack..."

That sounds like the making of date rape.  

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Where's That Girl Out There For Me!!!

Mike says: "My name is Michael, but my friends and family call me by Mike. I am twenty-eight years, I was born and raised here in Fort Wayne I was born as premee."

That has to be the most needless sharing of information in personal ad history. Why would you share that in a personal ad? It happened 28 years ago. High time to move on don't ya think?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

CD Boi Toy........4......U

CD= Cross Dressing.  Just in case you were wondering...

Pucker up!

CD Boi Toy says: "Im really looking to connect with a women whos accepting of me wearing sexxy clothes."

How 'bout it? Want to get in his panties??

Sunday, January 1, 2012

BHM - SEXY & CURVY - NOT HUGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like how he slips the "unemployed" in there. Almost missed it with all the other stuff going on in the ad.

BHM says: "Hey....

Thick dude, not stick skinny anorexic, but not 927 lbs thick either!!!!!!!!!. Curvy in all of the right places. I'm a Big Handsome Male (BHM)...that's apparently the new acronym for fat guys!!!!!!!!!!

Fat, non-balding, unemployed, toothful, haired, educated, nice guy (who is trying hard to change and adapt to the women who are disgusted by nice guys out here, so cut me some slack. A guy can't go from being nice to treating a woman like crap overnight!!!)

My likes are comedy, 80's music, politics and movies.

I don't smoke and will not smoke to be a "bad boy"...even if it means I can get a "hot" chick. Same with drugs. Never tried them and won't. I enjoy alcohol responsibly.

I will keep my cats, even if "bad boys" do not have cats and "hot" women will not date guys with cats.

Since I'm trying to break my nice guy image/personality, I'll say that I PROBABLY won't knock you around and PROBABLY won't cheat on you. I MAYYYYYYYY even kiss you on the first date!!!!!!!!!! I'm throwing caution to the wind here ladies.

My Big Handsome Man photo is current, whether you consider that a good thing or not, it's at least true.

So, for all of you good looking women who go for bad boys.....I'm trying here...sometimes, I won't shave for THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even have SEVERAL leather jackets!!!!!!!! I like my cars, cool and the music in my car loud! Cool cars and hot women.

So, why don't you take me out for a drink and see what you think??????? See this "BH bad boy" up close and personal. Whateva.

Please put BAD BOY in the subject line and a RECENT photo or two of YOU and tell me in the body why I should trust you enough to talk to you and why you even wrote me?????????

HMU b*tches.

Peace out."

Let's extract the important information here...


... he wants someone to take him out and to kiss that someone. Yea right.