Monday, April 30, 2012

Discreetly Desiring DDD Cups or biGGGer

Breast Worshiper says: "Oh, Craigslist, thank you for you. How else is one supposed to discreetly advertise their burning nEEd for large, heavy, natural breasts, capped with large, gum drop nipples and wide, soft aureolas? And the smart, sassy, gorgeous women who own them?

Tall, predominantly normal (see above;), hilarious, gregarious, quadruple Scorpio, blue-eyed, fit, nature-loving, technology-loving, breast-worshiping professional seeks similar, only thicker (and a breast-worshiping worshiper, or something...), softer, voluptuous-er, sensuous goddess of truly staggering proportions interested in conversation, stimulation, and general all around intercourse (ah, did I just say that???) and preferably loves the bottomless attention from a truly committed breast man who knows his way around DDD cups and beyond:). Please put your cup size in the title.

Have the best day ever."

Just something to ponder.... Why would a "sensuous goddess of truly staggering proportions" (We're thinking Jessica Rabbit here) be browsing the personal ads on Craigslist? There seems to be some misconception that women with large busts have difficulty finding a man to paw at them. We assure you there is no "breast worshiper" shortage! Quite the opposite, actually...


Hungry and Horny says: "i hope one of you ladies show up this weekend for some dinner and it could be something else if she want to ..."

You bring the dinner, he'll provide the "something else"!

Hungry and Horny's ad was submitted to Studs of Craigslist by a reader. Thank you! Reader submissions are always appreciated.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

home alone - 34

Olympic Fucker says: "It's a terrible movie, or is it great? That's not important. (Why are we talking about that? What does Home Alone being terrible or great have to do with your personal ad? Unless you are 9, the answer is terrible. Or at least it should be.) What is important is a narrow window of freedom that I'd like to use to pour attention on an adventurous girl (Ohhh, you were trying to be clever! But you are just being a douche...). Perhaps you're a student needing a pre-finals fling? (Or perhaps an unattractive man in women's clothing, in need of a tender touch....) I actually don't care (Good!). As long as you're down. We'll catch a little buzz, make each other giggle with our profound insights (Judging by the opening of your ad.... There will be nothing profound about your "insights".), paint each others' nails. Maybe knock some boots? Who knows (We do. Actually think just about everyone reading this knows.).

I'm handsome, and could literally win a gold medal if fucking were an olympic sport. Literally." 

Yup... And it would look something like this

You Must Comply

Superdouche says: "Me: Dashing, buff, can stop bullets with my chest (Are you willing to back that claim? Because we will gladly shoot you! Best first date ever!)
You: Have something awesome to say.Have to be proportioned from the chest down (You won't mind our huge melon head as long as we have a rack and small waist? Is that what you are trying to say?) Don't really do the BBW thing.*(hamhock arms,sloppy hips,rolls in the waist)

These are my demands

NO ROOFIES (im a shy boy you're going to have to convince me the old fashioned way and i wont be taken advantage of) (Starting to think that bulk order of roofies is gonna go to waste. Damn....)
NO BRA BURNING (especially while you're wearing them if your more than a d cup)
NO SATANIC RITUALS (this one is non negotiable) (Who the hell have you been dating?)"

Monday, April 23, 2012


Won't murder.... What? Was that supposed to end with a "you"? Because maybe you meant you won't murder some random bum on the corner and we're still fair game. 

Won't Muder ... says: " Let me get this out of the way first and let you know about my past. Six months ago I drank four cases of TheraFlu and had a psychological collapse in the Shur-Save parking lot; all my demons rose to the surface, informing me that to ensure my survival, and consequent survival of the rest of this planet, I needed to post a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. I posted a photo-shopped picture of my genitals, surreptitiously enhancing both the girth and width. I can't remember what it said specifically, just that I like wearing rubbers because I like the experience of chafing. The last time I had a Bed, Bath & Beyond giftcard I bought a really nice cheesegrater and scraped myself clean. (That sounds refreshing!)

A week later my door is busted in, Craigslist Stormtroopers ransacking my entire apartment - the only thing I cared about in this life was my Wizards of Waverly Place pop-art mural (I'm a very important artist; I'm pretty well known for my portraits of TV Dads with their mouths stuffed to full capacity with catheads and billiard balls), which they took no time to completely destroy. No further evidence was uncovered, and even though I had a solid defense that the camera - ANY camera - is known to add four inches to the extremities captured on film. I was still found guilty of Craigslist Ad Manipulation & Subterfuge and given a sternly-written "write-up", and warned that if it happened again I would have to remove the "not" from this posting title. The situation is sticky and Kafkaesque. Much like this gym towel that I keep by the keyboard. You know, for working out and stuff... and stuff.

Now getting down to brass tax.

I am a 27 year old subhumanoid apelike dwarf; I flopped out of the primordial ooze some several billion years back, moss and jelly sprouted of my orifices which later developed into fingers and thumbs, but not much evolved beyond that. Instead I spent that time drying out in the sun, existing only on mallomar bars, Skoal wintergreen, Dale Earnhardt angel-winged memorial bumperstickers, and Bill Engvall comedy CDs. The end result now types this. I take on an ape-like appearance. Wherever I walk the pavement behind me turns red, blood from my knuckles which hang slack-jawed and scrape against the cement, anchors keeping me in Pittsburgh, be it of my own interest or not, like characters in a Bunuel movie trying and failing to leave the dead and vapid party. The only sounds I express are brief mumbling grunts, hovering somewhere between that fine balance of indecipherable Burger King-induced lethargy and morse code. I would have written directly to Jane Goodall, but I'd be batting just so far out of my league. I don't know. Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll read this, and clean all the dried vomit off my iPod for me.

Everyone inside Bottom Dollar Food is fat and short and ugly... I feel like the bee girl at the end of the Blind Mellon video. (In what ways?)"

Eh... Funny but we've seen better BS ads. Remember Frank? : )  Your Craiglist lunatic bit could use some work.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Perhaps the problem isn't where you're looking...  Waving your penis around at women isn't always the best way to start things off.

Looking for Love says: "And hoping Craigs may be the right place.But one never knows, until one tries! I am a 49 year old white male. I stand 6'1", weigh 180lbs with an athletic build. I have salt and pepper hair, and sparkling green eyes. I enjoy working out, biking, and playing, as well as listening to music. New to the area, so hoping to find somone within 15 miles of me.
I am in search of a mature free spririted woman, between the ages of 30 and 60, who would like to start things casually and lead into a long term relationship.
A few extra pounds is perfectly fine for me.
Please send a picture when you reply, and put snow in the subject line, so I can weed out the spammers.
Thanks and hope to hear from you beautiful Pittsburgh women!"

Saturday, April 21, 2012

hey ladies


Kyle says: " i am a college student. looking for a girl thats shy or not shy (Sooo... basically you are just looking for a girl? Yea... Ok.). but i want a relationship for real (Because for fake would suck). she shouldnt be afraid of sex i kno i like sex. (NO WAY! Really?! Do you like money too?) i text alot (I didn't know alot texted. *If you don't know what an alot is  click here ). if u wanna talk hmu. im a pledgemaster and know how to have a good time (Wooo eee! You know how to drink a shit load of cheap beer too?! Where on earth have you been all of our life?)

if u wanna talk email me make sure u put "Hello kyle" as the subject and send me ur number u can verify me that way. im tired of the spam just be urself."

Ummm... Your hair. What is that? Bleached mullet? You have a bleached mullet and are wearing a wife beater. Why? : (

Kyle looks like he could have been an extra in Idiocracy! Also think Kyle is an excellent example of why college just isn't for everyone. It is okay to be a fry boy. People need fries. Fries are not going to cook themselves!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

SWM seeking long term

SWM says: "I have been on dating sites . ( yes I said si i t e s ) (What's that extra "i" for??) haha I have nicknamed my experiences FOOLS GOLD ! People shine like gold online and are tarnished brass in person . haha I am a virgo , tender hearted , kind ,caring ,honest, and direct (Did you lift that out of the horoscopes?). I have an average body type ( just a little bit of a belly ) haha (That's funny because it's a stretch of the truth, right? Otherwise, not seeing the humor.) I am very serious about a long term one on one relationship . If you want to be romanced for the rest of your life (Here's some flowers woman...), and have someone share the housework ( get me a sandwich.), then drop me a line (haha)"

Looking for a simple handjob

Ya know, as opposed to a complex handjob... No cartwheels or handstands necessary here! 

Wants a Handjob says:  "Just looking for a handjob. You don't even need to get naked, you can jerk me off fully clothed. I can compensate you for your time ($$) (Just in case you weren't sure what he meant by that.). Contact me for pictures and any other information."

Sunday, April 15, 2012

ISO: Redneck Princess

 What does a redneck princess look like? We're picturing something like this...

Going Through a Divorce says: "Hi ladies. Im lookfor a down to earth girlfriend. One that's not afraid to get dirty. I am going through a divorce. She cheated and wanted to b free. I have a four year old son. If interested"

Can't imagine why she would want to "b free" from you. 

Is the four year old an offering? "If you take a ride on the baloney pony, I'll give you this kid!" Seems like a win-win for you... 

Who's gonna be the new queen of his double wide??? Will it be you?!

lookin for real romance

Not Picky says: "I dont care what you look like as long as you're not a dude in a dress. Id prefer any asian woman but im not picky about ethnicity. I just wanna have someone to hold at night"

So, what if the dude looks good in a dress? What about this dude in a dress? 

 He probably looks better than a lot of the women you're going to find on Craigslist. We're just say'n maybe you shouldn't be so quick to write off dudes in dresses. That's all.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I'm slowly dieing - 27

Rocket Scientist says: "I have had a good life and I don't want it to stop. I have a genetic disease that will eventually lead to my death (Mortality? We're all cursed with that one, buddy.). I miss having an intimate connection with another human being (As opposed to what? Space aliens??). So I'm reaching out to find someone special. I you think you are then message me. I have a few good years left in me yet. I have grand plans for my life and i have a determination that cannot be stopped (Don't they all....). I have been a rocket scientist for a number of years for military applications and now I am pursuing my interest in the science and aerospace fields (Right.) I will most likely be self sufficient soon though my various medical disabilities, if everything goes smoothly the first time... I hope you ladies have, no matter what you do (Have what?). I look forward to hearing from you compassionate women (And by that he means SUCKERS!)."

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know how to spell "dying" correctly. D'oh! Pathetic.

summer fun...

...twirling the ends of his stache. 

Also serves as handle bars, in case you need to hold on!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Attractive Baller seeks hottie to romance - 27

Attractive Baller says: "Atl playa been here a min, looking for that dime piece."
Some music for this post CLICK HERE

Hey, uh... you know you're white, right? Peer pressure's a bitch.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Lickin the bowl clean - 40 (In my mouth)


 Some of them are menstruating. (shudder)

His Face

What is going on with your face?

May or may not be his O-face. 
Whatever it is, it looks painful. Might want to get that checked out.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Looking for a dork like me

County Boy says: "Hmm what to say. Is there anybody NOT good at dating lol. just in need of someone who wants to play with me (errr... His penis, he means.). About me, will i am 30 year old kid. Just moved here last week. Have no drama no family no friends no kids no wife no girl friend. But i do work have my own apt. I love playing with my toys (errrr... His penis, he means.); dirtbike and my trucks.... county boy (Maybe that's supposed to be country....) not a cowboy. If you are in need of a dork like me ___ our frist date will be at Mickey D's" 

You sure know how to spoil a girl. Can we get a large fry?? After we eat maybe we can go climbing in the play area!

Monday, April 2, 2012

"We only knew each other by letter"

Killer says: "So I threw this idea out earlier and was flagged but I don't know why. I was thinking it would be romantic to get to know someone by handwritten letters instead of emails. There's a Mark Knopfler song called "Prairie Wedding" My title is the first line. So I think I got flagged for putting my address on here so I guess if you are interested in trying something that might be fun and romantic let me know and I'll give you my address. I live far away but might be moving to NC in the future and just thought this would be fun."

Right. So, the "wonderful" women of Craigslist are supposed to give you their address without ever meeting you or knowing if the person in this picture is even you. Uh huh. Because getting killed is so romantic and fun! Yea.... we love giving our address to strangers, who supposedly live far far away.