Saturday, November 26, 2011

Need a BJ Today

Rolled out of bed this morning thinking "Could really go for giving a BJ to a  complete stranger later today", and decided to go on Craigslist in hopes of finding a willing participant. Didn't really expect to find a man that would not only like to satisfy a need for oral gratification but was also DD free! What are the odds?!

DD Free and in Need says: "I am in need of a blowjob. My girl is out of town and I need a quick fix before she gets home. Maybe if things go good we could maybe go a little further after the bj. I am dd free and you must be the same. Email me with the subject of your favorite movie and with a nude picture so I will know your real. If you arnt able to meet up tonight we can figure something out."

OMGISMPFLSHAIAPALBTOBMDSTGFTP!!!  (For an explanation click here)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving Thanks

There's so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Take this personal ad for example...

We're thankful he's included more pictures of himself than that head shot, where he appears to be within at least a normal range of undesirableness.  Considering he's from the backwoods of PA, he might actually pass for decent after a few six packs.

BUT then there's this...

How in the hell do you manage to be that disproportioned??
AND here's a close up in case you didn't get a good look....

Now imagine meeting him with out seeing those last two pictures. Yea... not good.

Happy Thanksgiving from Studs of Craigslist!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Is there anything out thereee?

SWM says: "I just want somebody to hang out with on the weekends, someone who won't make out with my best friend."

Because that doesn't go without saying these days....

Saturday, November 19, 2011

looking to settle down

Do so many men really want to tie the knot and start a family or is that just what they think women want to hear? Starting to find it hard to believe. Especially when they have interests like Tony's...

Tony says: "Im a 25 year old male.Im ready to settle down and have kids and start a family. I have dirty blond hair and hazel eyes. I have three tattoos and two piercings. Well a little about me is i live with two of my friends on the east side. I like to hangout with friends, go to the club, go downtown, go to the movies and i love to cuddle."

...because getting married and having kids is the surest way to never see your friends, go to a club, downtown, or a movie with a rating over PG again. Cuddling? Yea... we'll let you find that one out for yourself. Don't want to spoil all of the surprises.

Friday, November 18, 2011

I'm no good at pick up lines so could I just play with your breasts?

We're leaning towards no.

Prince Charming says: "If you're not a complete ugg-o or if you are an ugg-o but you make a ton of money send me an e-mail and I will be your boyfriend ;)"

If you do not know what an "ugg-o" is and are concerned you may not be up to Prince Charming's standards, Urban Dictionary will delight you with enlightenment. 

May want to work on those pick up lines. Can't imagine this method being very fruitful.  

Thursday, November 17, 2011

devoted to one special woman

Mom and dad are evicting this one from the nest.

Not Perfect says: "looking for the one special woman who will be the bread winner in the home and I in return will be that one woman man and handy man with all those talents women only wish most guys would have and take pride in doing,whens the last time you have had a guy sing and play for you, run you a hot bubble bath with candles just to show those lil things we do for one another truly do matter, a great guy with a huge heart that just wants that one special person to relocate for, im in seattle washington and have never lived or been anywhere and even tho its nice here and beautiful and green as it rains so much,i want to be experience somewhere warm and sunny.I miss the lil things in life that I think matter most, me leaving ya little notes by your side of the bed so when you wake and read how much I miss you (because he'll be too busy sleeping in to tell you himself). I love spending time out on the boat in the summer, , im not perfect and I dont want someone to be, I like more of a cute girl next door look over a fake superficial girl any day. , please no drama or drugs, I bring to the table a open heart and a clean slate to start loving someone special.."
So basically in exchange for a free ride what you have to offer is bubble baths, serenading, and notes? A lot of guys can manage to do those things and still pay a few bills. Is working anywhere in your future plans? Or does being a responsible adult repress creativity that will one day turn you into a groupie loving rock star?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Single no drama male

Josh says: "My names Josh and I am looking for something longterm and no i don't want just one night stands and all that (That means he doesn't have money to pay professionals for it. Looking for free goods here...just so we're clear).I have been married but am now going through with the seperation thing and so hopefully you understand(unlike some) that it takes time to get this stuff finalized lol.I have a sense of humor (We're sorry but saying "lol" doesn't qualify you as having a sense of humor).  and I enjoy just hangingout or going to the movies or whatveer you want to do mainly (What if what we want to do is run over pedestrians at cross walks? Will you be mainly into that?).I just moved into an apartment in Trumann so just stop by if you want (You'll be able to find it easily as there aren't many around).I do have pictures but my phone doesnt let me send them at the moment because AT&T sucks.Just have a sense of humor and don't bring drama and other things like that into it. I would much rather talk on the phone than text I dunno why really. I do have a fb and it has a few pics on it. eightsevenzero,two one nine, seven eight zero nine.

I just want you to be honest and if you have children that fine no big deal and if you are going through the same kind of situation that I am thats cool can usually find me at hastings or library in Jtown."

He looks funny. We mean that literally.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

2 Pair!

Found a "rip-roarious" ad for your reading pleasure today.

TNCRCG says: "I'm not talking about poker, either. Or a double date. I'm talking about pants. Wear 2 pair. More on that later.

Hi. You can call me TNCRCG. That's "Totally Not Creepy Random Craigslist Guy" to the less savvy. I'll settle for RCG for short. Or TNC. Sounds like of like TNT. Dyno-mite!

People don't say "dyno-mite!" enough anymore. That's it... I'm bringing it back. Single handedly.

On the topic of phrases, why do people do things "single handedly?" I have 2 functional hands and most things that I want to get done correctly utilizes both of them. Maybe it originates from back in the day when people would duel with swords, they only used 1 hand to handle the sword? I'm not sure... but I just added "learn to duel with a sword" to my bucket list.

I don't have a bucket list in the traditional sense... by that I mean that it's not a list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket, but actually a list of things that I want to do that is written on a bucket. I didn't have any paper and I wasn't really using the bucket for anything so one thing lead to another.......

Topic switch! The holidays are right around the corner... how do you feel about that? Go ahead, say it out loud, I'll hear you... because I'm watching you right now. Well fuck, I guess I can take the "TNC" out of "TNCRCG." Or even just take the "N" out and make it "TCRCG." You could almost say that out loud now. I may get that as a custom license plate for my truck... who needs vowels? A E I O U sometimes Y and even less of the time C, I say.

Back to the holidays. I really like them, personally, but let me break from the trend I've set so far in this post for just a second and admit that they can get a little lonely at times. I love my family to death but as we all get older it's turning into more of a clan of smaller little families that make one big group and the days of everyone getting together at the same time I feel are past us now, so I figure it might be a pleasant change of pace to not spend the majority of the holiday season doing the exact same things I do when it isn't holiday season. That's where you come in. No really, come on in, I don't lock my doors. Hook a brother up and bring me a Sunkist when you go past the fridge, thanks!

You know I've lived on my own since the week I graduated high school and I've never purchased or put up a Christmas tree in my house? Sad, I know. THCRCG. Totally Hates Christmas Random Craigslist Guy right here. Or just Random Craigslist Guy that likes weed a lot. Because THC... get it... THC is in weed... and... oh fuck it I know I'm reaching now.

So, all that being said.. most of which could have gone without saying I'm sure... if you're still reading this rambling I reckon you should reply right quick and realize what a rip roaring cool dude RCG is. FUCK YES I LOVE ALLITERATION. (lol extra bonus points for fitting "rip roaring" into this post. Don't hate, congratulate!"


Really though, the amount of ornamental shrubs I adorne my home with aside, I'm a pretty upbeat fellow. I'd be down with meeting an equally upbeat lady to bebop around town with occasionally. This time of year I have a pretty rigid schedule of working 8-5 M-F and then spending Sat/Sun at the camp with the family but should you prove interesting enough I would gladly break that stellar (read: boring) routine to catch a movie, catch a meal, catch some fireflies... catch anything really. Except a disease.

I do like to hunt, fish, and camp. I also wear blue jeans and work boots most days out of the year and drive a pickem-up truck, but I would greatly appreciate it if I wasn't automatically dismissed as some hillbilly. Unless you're like a member of PETA or something in which case dismiss away because I hate you anyway you crazy ass. I may do a few country things but I'm missing a few key ones as well. I don't own a cowboy hat, or cowboy boots. I don't own or wear a belt buckle. I have all of my teeth and they're quite straight and intact (You must not be native to Lafayette). I don't live in a trailer park. I've never had any sort of illicit affair with any member of my family be it man woman or beast (That's a serious plus). I lean conservative but I'm a libertarian if you had to label me on a political spectrum. I believe in God but I'm not religious in the traditional sense... I don't even know if there is a word for that.

I read about a book a week, unless it's a particularly long book. I'd much rather chillax on the couch and read a few chapters than turn on the TV. In fact sense I started reading this series I haven't turned my TV on at all. I heard Game of Thrones was a really good show on HBO and found out it was based off of a series of books so I started reading it and yes, it is quite good. I've enjoyed reading for as long as I can remember since I learned how to read. Somewhere along the way I picked up a love of writing as well (can you tell? this post likely already trumps the second longest post on in this section by three fold so far). I occasionally wish I had the ambition to sit down and write something substantial... but I haven't found it yet. I even considered starting a blog since I've always gotten complimented on the way I word my viewpoint when I start to ramble about things (a la right now).

The great thing about writing down something rather than simply saying it is that you can phrase things in a way and use words that are simply out of place in normal day to day conversation. Perhaps I am simply not a skilled enough orator to pull it off, however. Who knows?

One last thing I want to touch on is something that I get comments on frequently so I feel it is important to mention is size. No... not that size, you perv. Basically it boils down to if you prefer more normal sized people or if you're interested in bopping around with someone who is 99.9% of the time the largest, most intimating, and sometimes described as "scary" person in the room. I don't mean morbidly obese, if that's what you're thinking. When someone who is huge in that manner walks into a room people are like "oh look at that poor bastard I hope I never get like that." When I meet people I get things like "how tall are you" and "where did you play football" and "you said your name was RCG? I'll make sure to remember that next time I get into a bar fight" and "that is a mountain of a man right there" and once from my father I got "damn son, I wanted you to grow up big and strong but I expected you to stop eventually." If random people come up to address me who don't know my name I frequently get called "big man" and if one of my co-workers needs to direct someone to speak to me they say "you need to go talk to the really big guy over there." My mother says she likes going to crowded places with me because everyone moves out of my way and she can just follow in the hole that I make, lol. I'm frequently compared to farm animals... most often oxen or mules.

However, intimidating as I may be I'm usually the most gentle and friendly person people know. One friend was heard saying "I used to be scared of RCG until I heard him talking about how adorable some puppies were and saw him playing with his nephew. He's harmless!" It is what it is. I learned as a teenager to control the temper that I very much have because if I lose it people and/or things get broken and/or hurt, lol.

That's like 2 solid paragraphs about that now... I think that's sufficient. Probably more than sufficient... but if I do anything well it's type. Fingers just flying across the keyboard over here while this cigarette burns down in the ashtray and I'm not even sure what's being said. If this post lands me in court I'll deny it all!

For real though, I find myself frequently bored these days and I need someone equally bored to spend a little quality time with. Maybe go look at some Christmas lights in a few weeks for kicks or something equally childish. I do enjoy childish things... so if you'll pardon me I've got a LEGO castle that is in dire need of a moat.

Put "rip roaring" or "lego moat" in your e-mail so I know you're for real. Choose wisely, which phrase you pick says a lot about you!

OH YEAH! 2 pair! Wear 2 pair of pants cause I'll charm the first pair right off ya and then you wouldn't be decent :D "


Sunday, November 13, 2011

real bored

...because you ran out of tape? taping things to yourself loses appeal after a while? Or do you just have a serious problem with misplacing your beers? Ninja-proof beers! Uh huh... Do you reload or is this how you limit yourself to two drinks?

Very clever to keep two fingers free so you can still smoke. Shows ingenuity.  

Friday, November 11, 2011

Attractive Male in S. Charlotte

Hey look it's a guy that wants to cheat on his girlfriend! Wouldn't it be so wonderful to be used for your body while he's using her for money?!

User says: "Ok to be totally honest, I am in a relationship but it has been unfilfilling for a while now. at the same time i'm not ready to just throw in the towel completely but her career is defenitely her priority over spending time with me so i would like to start hanging out with someone who is understanding of my situation, goes with the flow, and likes to cuddle from time to time. I am 27, 5'10 mixed, clean cut and hoping i somewhat find what im looking for. please reply with a pic and ill do the same and reply to you. A female who can meet during the daytime is a plus and I can do the hosting"

Which means he's sticking around as long as she keeps paying the rent for the place he'll be hosting at. What a winner wiener...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cleaning, Adult Style - Nude House Cleaning

Family coming for the holidays? No time to get that extra cleaning done? Do you just want to watch some strange naked guy walk around your house with a duster? Junk swaying in the wind...

Nude House Cleaner says: "Cleaning is boring and you don't want to do it, but now it can be fun!!! 23 yr old Male 5"8 130lbs - Offering nude house cleaning at $25/hr. This IS NOT a sex ad. This is a nude maid service, like a stripper but with a twist. Please be respectful and discreet. I will come fully clothed and ready to clean. Will walk around naked and vaccum, sweep, mop etc. If interested please leave a name and number and I will contact you back. Serious inquirys only. Thank you"

Also makes a great gift!

If there's someone on your list you're just not sure what to get this year consider giving the gift of a clean house. Grandma doesn't really want another...calendar, coffee mug, mouse pad, etc... with your kid's face on it. Your kindergartner's teacher has enough soap, lotions, and candles to last a lifetime.  Why not give them something unexpected this Christmas? Something they'll remember for many years to come. Nothing will surprise like the Nude Cleaner!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


In a Relationship says: "Well lets see, where to 26 6ft 215ish...i have a 1yr old son, im currently in a relationship that i just dont know about..dont want to explain on here more for private chats! i know its out there but im looking for somebody else! please be in good shape(im not skinny but not fat fat) around my age and if things work and what not please be willing to be in my sons life! lets see i love sports, football/basketball/nascar movies....i work full time and expect you to aswell!"

You're gonna be working overtime soon. Ya know for being a douchebag you have pretty high standards.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Shiny Spandex Guy is back

Figured you all were wondering if Shiny Spandex Guy met his kinky match or not. We're here to report that he's still on the prowl. In his latest ad he tamed things down considerably. Seems he's going for the element of surprise this time around.

Shiny Spandex Guy says: "Looking for an attractive, height-weight proportionate, single white or asian female under 43 who loves playing video games, especially 'cooperative' games like mmorpgs.
I am a 7+ year veteran on City of Heroes and look forward to trying Star Wars the Old Republic.
Other shared interest may include biking, tennis, movies, watching tv: (Terra Nova, Person of Interest, Big Bang Theory, Mike & Molly, 2 Broke Girls, ect), board games,
plays and musicals at a local performing arts center, swimming, snorkeling, scuba diving, running errands together, Starbucks, and traveling to the beaches, mountains,
and more. Please be happy, in perfect health, and have NO pet allergies.

I am a professional, classy, sexy SWM 43, 6' tall, slender (not muscular), with rich, dark brown hair and blue eyes.
I bike 10+ miles every morning and try to eat right. I live in a gorgeous, spacious 3 br house in southeast Charlotte
have no roommates. I am not looking to jump into bed with anyone anytime soon, but I am kinky, so you should
be too. I am not available for anything short term. I am not looking to get married, but my potential mate should
seek solid friendship with the hope of developing a serious, monogamous relationship that will last forever.
Be open to cohabitation.

Your photos get more of me.
If you seriously interested, please put 'common interests' in your subject line so I know your not spam.

We've seen your other photos. Thanks, but no thanks.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Master seeking female slave/lover!

Are you down with the clown?

Master in BDSM says: "Hello girls, you got a sweet and careing, loveing man in need of the same from a women. I'm 5' 6, 200 in weight. I got brown hair, blue eyes. I'm looking for a skinny girl that is gothic, down with the clown. You must have pics to send me so I might see you. Once you get to know me you'll find that I'm a nice guy with alot to give. I like to party, hang with friends. I drink and smoke(Cigs) I love to Role Play on this site called I'm a Master in BDSM."

Thought IMVU was for 14 year olds. Also thought the same thing about sleeping on a mattress without a sheet. How do you become a "Master in BDSM"? Is that a matter of your own personal opinion or is there like a certification program? 

Searching - 23

We're sure someone wants to...

Virgin says: "Anyone want to give me an early Christmas present and take my virginity? I can go multiple rounds and I am good at oral and fingering, so you'll be satisfied at the end of the night I promise."

...but they charge by the hour.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

**Free place to live**Need a study and sex partner!! - 38

The opportunity you all have been waiting for....

Look'n for Sex says: "Im 38 going back to school looking for a smart maybe a college student who needs a place to live and likes to have sex.No rent if you help me.Must be a dog lover.I've been out of school for 20 years please help me!!"

 Oh wait... it's just a pathetic attempt to get an 18 to 21 year old in the sack. Sorry bout that.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Looking for Queen of my Doublewide Trailer - 39

Possibly the worst fake personal ad ever.

Bubba says: "Hi, my name is Bubba. I desire an angry, self absorbed, egocentric, narcissistic, control freak type woman that appreciates and posseses similar virtues to mine for a long mutually demeaning relationship. Added bonus if you are moody, manipulative, materialistic, or tantrum throwing.

I also have a thing for big haired chicks who have taken out a ceiling fan or two with their hair-do, but even if you don't got big hair, as long as you got some of the above qualities, i'm all for it.

I'm 4'10" and 465lbs. I'm grossly unattractive, eternally unemployed, unquestionably impotent, repulsively pathetic, arrogantly narcoleptic, trailer park living, hygienically disregarding, genital scratching, incontinent wearing, patholigical liar with a nasty attitude, bad breath, fashionably hairy back, an IQ of 75 and absolutely no sense of humor.

But even if you don't have big hair, since there are so many spammers here on CL, please mention big hair somewhere in the subject of your message.


PS, to my ex-wife: Quit flagging my post!"

If any of that were true you wouldn't know how to spell words like appreciates, let alone narcissistic. If you want to come off as a backwoods sister lover you gotta learn to talk and spell like one. That fancy talk of yours just takes away from what would have been a funny post. Stop trying so hard.