Friday, March 30, 2012

Not so simple

Asshole says: "I have no idea how to write a message to a potential girl without sounding like an asshole. So instead I will list some facts about myself. Respond if you are interested. Simple right? (You tell us. The title of your personal ad is "Not so simple", soooo which is it?)

-6.5 feet tall
-Blue eyes
-I go to the gym
-I ride a motorcycle
-Own my own car
-Am not hurting for money
-In school, will be out soon
-Bright future?
-Willpower and drive
-Good in conversation
-Many interests
-Have worked since age 15
-Not a little bitch (Extra bonus points for not being a little bitch!)
-Can cook dinner
-It will taste great
-Terrible at ping pong (Think that's a deal breaker. And things were going so well...)
-Moderately ok at Bowling
-Kick ass at pool
-Pretty decent boyfriend
-Or so I'm told
-Your father will love me
-Your mom will invite me over for dinner
-I will play in the snow with you
-Not a cheap bastard
-Never smell bad
-Usually smell good actually
-You can take me out in public
-You would probably find me attractive
-I'll be getting better looking every day
-Something to look forward to right?
-Do not use tobacco
-Drink very rarely
-420 now and again
-Kinda look like the guy in the pic (Kinda? By any chance know how we can get in contact with him?)
-Just not quite as sexy
-Well, not yet at least (Probably not ever.)
-Generally a happy guy

-A lot more humble than this list makes me out to be

I don't really have any specific requirements with what I'm looking for. I would prefer you to be 5'8" or better. Cute would be a plus (How about 1 beer cute?). I also am not very interested in women who can not seem to regulate their cookie intake (Can anyone regulate their cookie intake? They're cookies. They're delicious. Nevermind....). Intelligence is nice. Other than that I'm actually a pretty good guy. Even if I sound intimidating (Intimidated. That's exactly why women won't be emailing you.) send me an email anyway. Worst that happens is nothing right?
Would probably be a good time to add that I am generally put off by whores (Think we may just be too different. This isn't going to work out. It's you.). Might be why I don't enjoy picking women up in bars and clubs. Please be a little ladylike if sending pictures. I'm sure you have some awesome tits but I'd prefer a little mystery instead of a fake tan and a set of pierced nipples staring back at me when I open your email. I probably won't be impressed (So there's a small chance you might be??? Topless, fake tan, pierced nipple pic coming your way!!!).

Oh, and when you send an email could you put "mystery" for the subject? (Nope.) Will help me sort through all the giant dick ads  I'm sure I'll get from posting this. Thanks :)" (May you get many giant dick ads.)

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