Tuesday, August 21, 2012

ISO Underappreciated Sexy, Funny, Witty, Busty Brainiac

This ad may be the longest personal ad in personal ad history, but it is well worth the read. 

Dr. Feel Good says: "

And these are all good and fair questions, and ones I will either answer NOW or in the course of our communication. And before we ever meet.

Ladies, let me put your minds at ease on three of the biggest issues facing contemporary women dating men whom they met on the Internet-
1. I'm not married.
2. I'm not gay or bisexual.
3. I rarely piss on the toilet seat.

And maybe it's better you don't mention it if you LOVED 'Twilight'. Shortly here, we'll get into the meat of this VERY LONG ad, but first I wanted to get your attention and say "Hello' to each and every one of you visiting me here.


Are you looking for incendiary passion in your life? If you can answer a resounding YES! to the previous questions, then I may be the man you are looking for. I'm looking for a woman who loves to laugh, who is witty and wise, and who loves humanity...but isn't particularly crazy about people. I'm ever discreet in public but naughty and even iconoclastic in my private life. I'd love to spend some genuine quality time with YOU. If you are very clever, as you read this posting you'll get a nice and sparkling clear picture of what I mean by 'quality time'. Let's put it this way- we'll both certainly be speechless at the time. The rest of the time we're together, we'll do a LOT of talking. Whether over the phone, or while sitting down for a cup of coffee, let's talk about MOST anything.

 Do you have a super-nosy neighbor next door who makes 'Bewtiched's' Gladys Kravitz seem non-inquisitive by comparison? I WANT to know about it. Do you have an untapped well of brilliant observations to make about the shameless slut at work who just cock-wrangled and otherwise sleazed her way into the promotion YOU deserved? I WANT to hear them. I love to talk but I'm a good listener too. Ever feel that the more scintillating nuances of your witticisms pass directly over the heads of your friends and family without once passing GO and COLLECTING 200 DOLLARS? I want to listen, wink or chuckle in total comprehension of the magnitude of your sardonic sagacity and as-of-yet under-appreciated wisdom. Baby, you're brilliant in your own right! HELL YEAH! Come to Daddy and show me that big sexy brain of yours, Mama.

 If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain...y'all just keep walking down the dunes of the Cape at Midnight, Baby. I'm a relative simpleton when it comes to the things I like and LOVE. I LOVE most genres of music, with Alternative and Classical being my favorites. I love birdsong on a be-dewed meadow and the intermittent fragrance of honey-suckle bourne of a flittering late Spring breeze. I love dogs and puppies, cats and kittens, and free creatures of the wild. I can appreciate a sunset of riotous swirled fuchsias, tangerines, mauves and magentas nearly as much as the soft MMMMMs of your importunes...and without ascribing some ineffable divine plan to it all.

 Join me for your best chance to laugh your ass off, and see California's famed Giant Sequoia Redwood...all in the same Evening. My likes include Movies, Writing, Reading, intimate conversation, and epic turns of cat-whispering. If you have ever had the desire to take on the rewarding avocation of caring for a huge and growing staff, please apply immediately. You must be a real eager beaver, flexible enough to accept entry-level positions, and be very 'hands on'. Isn't it time you finally found a man who could COMPLETELY fill that void in your Life?

 I've listed 50 descriptors below that I prize highly in a woman. I confess that some of them are physical- I'm a man, not a Saint. Give yourself a point for each one that you honestly believe applies to you. Some of you clever clogs will notice I've included some descriptors more than once- gather ye bonus points while ye may! If you score 35 or more, we should talk. If you score 40 or more, you can come over with luggage-

1.enthusiastic, 2.curious, 3.passionate, 4.callipygian, 5.brilliant, 6.witty, 7.humorous, 8. bibliophilic, 9.gorgeous, 10.wise, 11.honorable, 12.philosophical, 13.music loving, 14.animal loving, 15.an accomplished fellatrix, 16.compassionate, 17.imaginative, 18.nurturing, 19.loyal, 20.exclusively monogamous, 21.amorous, 22.busty, 23.hedonistic, 24.amusing, 25.hard-working, 26.opinionated, 27.sophisticated, 28.visionary, 29. an accomplished fellatrix, 30.considerate, 31.loving, 32.iconoclastic, 33.wise, 34.voluptuous, 35. polymathic, 36. busty, 37. passionate, 38.callipygian, 39.witty, 40.wise, 41.playful, 42.sagacious, 43.erudite, 44.amorous, 45. moral. 46. brilliant, 47.mellifluous voiced, 48. exclusively monogamous, 49.affectionate 50. ribald.

 Yes, it's true...I'm a conversationalist capable of hilarious wit on a staggeringly gargantuan scale. By the same token, I'd like to think that said wit might help you overlook my size, and allow me to put your Cat out for the Night. If you love to laugh your ass off...that is, until it's time for your brain to download visual and tactile evidence of my benign 'giganticism', drop me a line and let me fill you in. I'd prefer a woman who is between 18-52 years old, in good health, no STDs, has fewer than three cats, who has no Clingy umbilical cord-like Girlfriends, no violently jealous Biker exes, no history of Gangs or Gang Bangs, AND WHO DOES NOT reconcile her checkbook with an Ouija Board (i.e...."Spirit Dude...like...how much did I write check number 3209 for?"...). Oh, and if in addition to a wonderful mind, you have MONSTER SWEATERMEAT and bravura fellatio skills...the lineaments of soulmate are starting to materialize. In the bedroom, I consider myself both an ace pilot and seasoned world traveler, but I do hope that like me you'd rather not travel All Nippon Air Lines, or its acronym in the bedroom. To my mind, some places aren't much worth visiting.

If you've ever envied Dirty Harry when 'ignoranuses' violating the atmosphere with rap 'music' are beside you in stalled traffic, you just might be my PERFECT WOMAN. If you ever wanted to slap the Holy, living shit out of somebody who was standing far too close behind you in a very long Bataan Death March-like line at the Bank on a hot humid day, talking FAR TOO LOUD on their Bluetooth, we're already close to soulmates. Naturally we're too civilized and otherwise rational to ACT upon such impulses, but we smile just a little bit at the very notion that if we had an idiot button in the palm of our hand, there'd be a few less of the behaviorally retarded in the World each and every day, and we'd be helping Natural Selection along.

If you're not 'gorgeous' or slender, don't apologize in your response, please! I am attracted to BRIGHT women in nearly every human female body size...well, say 2-18 anyway, from 4'10"- 6'2". Sadly perhaps, I'm not attracted to even the brightest dwarfs, conjoined twins, bearded ladies or circus fat ladies. Please note I do prefer big tits to small tits, and prefer huge tits to big tits, but that doesn't mean a small-breasted dame couldn't substitute bravura fellatio skills for Double Ds. I try and be flexible. Oh...and I ASSUME you swallow, unless you state specifically otherwise.

If you've noticed by now that I've made innumerable innuendos as to being extremely well-endowed, give yourself the Bonus Cookie. The benign giganticism I was blessed with and the frequent majestic erections that will pop up during even our most innocuous conversations are something I'd want you to be prepared for in advance. I'd prefer that you consider my benevolent genetics a sort of signing bonus, but not your sole reason in choosing to play for me.

Due to overwhelming 'automated' response from Bots and Cam Whores, I ask that you please mention something specific that indicates you've actually READ THIS AD. Please send as many pics as possible- as soon as you've responded to this posting and I've replied with my direct email address. I understand you cannot attach larger pics in your direct response to this posting, but I will expect at least one face and one body pic with your first response. Again, you won't have to be model-gorgeous for me to pick you up on B*O*N*A*R- size 2-18 is fine, okay? Oh, and Guys...no reason to send me...'Are you interested in a bi or gay encounter?' emails. 'NO' in advance.

I VASTLY PREFER responses from atheists and agnostics. Practicing Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, Jews, etc. are probably not a good fit for me. In a nutshell, I'll likely find problems with any sort of religious affiliation that gets in the way of you giving ME enthusiastic fellatio, or asks you to confess of it. I've similarly NO INTEREST in bartenders, cocktail waitresses, exotic dancers, actresses, musicians, escorts and prostitutes.. Oh, and rock crystal, Atlantis, Scientology, pyramid, brainwave entrainment, neurolinguistic programming, reiki, astrology, feng shui, auras, channeled info, remote viewing, ShaoLin, Jedi Knight, Bene Gesserit (etc.) people KINDLY STOP READING NOW. Oh, if you've ever boiled your ex-boyfriend's daughter's pet bunny in a pot on the kitchen stove, PLEASE pass me by. NO BUNNY BOILERS! This means YOU.

An issue that's occasionally surfaced for me in the past is that the girl that I'm dating has a strong connection- whether conscious or not- with alcohol and alcohol-enabled behaviors. As an occcasional social drinker myself, I don't mind social drinking, but if you work as a cocktail waitress or bartender, hang out in bars with friends etc, or frequently find yourself the designated driver for designated drunk friends, It's not likely I'd be a good match for you.

But if the continuum of alcohol is an area of discomforture for me, I try and be flexible in areas where others aren't very accommodating. I don't smoke myself, but don't mind smokers. And disability is a virtual non-issue for me...so long as you're still capable of that Most Golden of All Silences. One dame wrote saying she was mute, and asked if that would be a problem...Well...Not so long as it's okay if pointing to my groin as I nod my head enthusiastically 'Yes!' suffices as my sum total Sign vocabulary. Religion and politics aren't big issues for me either- so long as you've taken a Vow of Absolute Silence against both of them. Some of you might think- Aha, but he said he would listen to me! Listen to you within reason, I will. I won't listen to nonsense or horror AND certainly non-sensical horror- I won't listen to your plans to bomb the Pentagon, make meth, harm animals, abduct children or vote Republican without taking the next plane, train or automobile AWAY from you FOREVER.

If you'd like a response to your response, I ask you to please spend some energy and time thinking about what you're looking for and putting it into words. I'm VERY interested in your mind. Without your mind engaging me, NOTHING else would work. I want to know about YOU. What makes you tick. Be as honest and as candid as possible. Only the greatest poseur amongst us insists that he or she is only responding to CL ads 'cause I thought it would be fun'. If we're here, we're addressing some intrinsic human need, some basic element in our animal hard-wiring, some desire to belong to an extended entity that is both bigger and more complete than the individual alone.

If you're thinking, this guy just wants to 'meat' me, you couldn't be more wrong. Of course I intend on putting the Heavy Meat to you as often as possible if we find our way to a committed relationship, but I'll take the time to get to know you first...before I ever want to meat you. Candidly and for the Permanent Record,... I MYSELF DO NOT PUT OUT ON THE FIRST DATE. Nor usually the second date, either. Granted, superb persuasive skills on your part and I'd likely consent to allowing you to give me a 'goodnight' in-my-car BJ of touching sincerity in front of your house at the conclusion of our first date. But I'd not accompany you inside. I have few standards, but those I have are rigorous.

Ladies, if I learned anything from my years on this Planet, it's that most of y'all women-folk navigate your lives with a finely-tuned emotional intelligence that we mere men can barely articulate, much less comprehend. I promise not to mind you admiring diamonds at full Mall retail or being overly-kind to the mildly retarded if you promise to come enter my life and bed very, very ready to play in the Big Leagues. Time is of the essence in this mutual sharing of human resources. Certainly, you have at least one opening any man would be happy to fill and I have several extremely rewarding positions available for you on my large and growing staff."

Soooo, does your man have the "right" education?


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