Sunday, October 23, 2011

I thought I found what I was looking for...

Mike says it all for us.

Mike says: "... but it turns out I was wrong. So here I am... trying again.

WARNING: This post is not for the meek or super sensitive. I guarantee that it will offend about 90% of you viewing it right now. Therefore, I'm interested in the 10% of females that it doesn't offend.

Greetings and salutations, ladies! My name is Mike. Hello there. I'm a sexy, single, eligible bachelor. I'm 38 years old. Which is one step closer to 40. Which is one step closer to winding up in senior housing alone unless I find a suitable mate. Which is why I am here pimping myself on the Internet. GO ME! And since we all die in 2012, I better hurry the hell up, right? Right.

This post is long. Which means I can talk and hold a conversation. I'm just forewarning you. If, by the end of this, you don't get me or my humor, than CLEARLY you should not contact me. Do I need to state the obvious? You'd be surprised at some of the responses I get. So, yes, I need to state the obvious.

In my former life, I was a radio personality working in radio broadcasting for about 15 years or so. But now I work for a great company called Honey Bucket. I service and maintain portable restrooms. True story! What can I say? I'm extreme! That's how I roll! I like using exclamation points, too! And like with every job (including my previous radio career), I deal with shit all day. *drum roll, cymbal crash* Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your servers!

I've pretty much been single all my life. However, I have sustained a few long-term relationships over the years. I've never been married and I have no children. However, it's quite possible that I have an illegitimate love child or two running about in a Wal*Mart somewhere in this great nation of ours.

Yet, there is no denying I'm a sexy beast. And a great kisser from what I've been told. (Thanks mom! I'm KIDDING!) You know what else makes me sexy, ladies? Well, a couple of things. Actually, a list of things. While I'm writing this list, I might want to make a grocery list. I'm out of some stuff.

Bread, milk, butter, toothpaste, Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream, Lay's Salt & Vinegar potato chips, beer... oh wait, I was composing a personal post, huh?

#1: I have a GREAT sense of humor. That's right, I said GREAT. G-R-E-A-T. When you and I go out on our first date, I'll bring by a squad of cheerleaders to spell that out. Of course, today's modern youth will simplify that spelling with some sort of cyber speak, I'm sure. "Gimme a "G", gimme an "R", give me the number "8"!"

#2: I have a job. That in itself makes me hot and desirable, huh? Damn straight. It's not just a job, it's an adventure. I mean, COME ON! The elite portable restroom industry provides funny (and gross) stories to last a lifetime. I even wear a stylish uniform. And women love a man in a uniform.

#3: I have my own place. Finally, no more asking mom and dad if I can bring a girl home. BWHAHAHAHAHA! I reside in a cool apartment in Sugar House. Or is it Salt Lake? I'm like right on the edge of the two areas. I'm in Salt Sugar. Or Lake House. Or Sugar Lake. Whatever.

#4: I have my own car. Actually, I just bought myself a new pickup truck. Well, new to me. It's a 2000 Ford F-150 4x4 nicknamed "Whitey Ford". Not because I'm racist but because it's a white Ford. Get it? It's a play on words! I had other ideas and suggestions for the nickname like Harrison, Gerald, Henry, Lita, Betty and Canta.

#5: I don't have a drug problem (although this post might make you think otherwise) and never have. I have tried pot four times in my life. Two of those times created legendary... EPIC... tales.

#6: I'm disease free with a suitable penis. The only real physical problem with me is dry skin. And sometimes heartburn. Possibly some mental issues, too. I just recently had my gall bladder removed, as well. So if you're hot for guys with gall bladders, don't look here.

#7: I don't care for sports and very rarely find the need to watch them. This could be a good or bad thing. I do enjoy going to or watching a basketball or hockey game. I'm not so big on football nor do I understand it at all. However, I am open to some insight and education. Cut me some slack here because I was raised by a single mom who is just as oblivious to sports as I am.

#8: I'm not religious. Much like the sports thing, this could be good or bad. I'm not closed-minded about religion, mind you. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty much an Atheist. Could I interest you in some information about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

#9: I'm also the following things - witty, charming, loving, caring, sharing, smart, honest, open, direct, forward, outgoing, creative, fun, exciting, seductive, a hopeless romantic and cute. And, apparently, full of myself.

Oh, but don't worry. I have more than enough faults, too. Let's see...

I'm a man. That seems to be the biggest fault women seem to have with me. Therefore, I belch and fart. It's just a part of my species. I sometimes forget to put the toilet seat down. I can be lazy. I can be late. I can just not care either way. I can be argumentative. I can be cranky/grouchy (especially when I haven't had coffee). I can be quiet and moody. I can be irrational. I can be outrageous. I can be embarrassing. I'm completely awful with my finances.

So, like YOU, I can be very much human. Anyway, I'm looking for someone who takes my breath away every time I look at or think about her. Not just with her looks but with her inner beauty... with her style... with her street smarts... with her intelligence... with her humor... with her sensuality... with her naughtiness... with her sexuality... with her taste in music... with her love of films...

I think you get the picture.

By the way, I have a HUGE thing for redheads. Second to that would be those black haired raven beauties. Coming in third would be brunettes. So, blonds, I'm sorry... you come in fourth.

But I'm not going to exempt someone as my possible perfect match and life partner just because of her hair color. That's just retarded. But redheads get first dibs on The Mike (Oh why oh why could we not be a redhead? Those lucky b...).

In closing, I'd like to highlight some guidelines and deal breakers. Are you ready? Here we go:

Please NO women who aren't completely over their ex-lovers, boyfriends or husbands.
Please NO former strippers/escorts/hookers/whores/tramps/sluts/bitches/full-blown skanks. (If you're somewhat of a skank, that's cool.)
Please NO smokers.
Please NO douche bags.
Please NO airheads.
Please NO flakes.
Please NO fakes.
Please NO liars.
Please NO women who utilize heavy doses of cleavage to get attention.
Please NO ALL CAPS typists.
Please NO cyber speakers (i.e.: supplementing "u" for "you", "r" for "are", etc.).
Please NO cockteases.
Please NO reh-tards.
Please NO non-sense of humor types. (i.e.: not laughing at ANYTHING I've posted within the confines of this post. I mean, COME ON?! I know there has to be a few of you who know what I'm saying, right? And laughing, too.)
Please NO gold diggers.
Please NO women with pictures involving kissy/puckering lip/pouty/tee-hee-I-think-I'm-so-hot faces/poses.
Please NO women with pictures involving last year's (or ANY year, for that matter) slutty Halloween costume.
Please NO women who still use "Glamour Shot" pics/scanned/blurry pics or cheesy bathroom mirror pics. (REALLY?! Get a fucking tripod already!) (You really expect people to get a tripod to take pictures of themselves?)
Please NO illegal immigrants. I'm not here to get you a green card. (However, all LEGAL residents {no matter what country of origin or race} are welcome to hit me up.)
Please NO drug users (This includes pot, stupid.)
Please NO hugely religious types (This includes Mormons, stupid.)
Please NO overly tattooed/pierced types (If you're decorated in so much ink like a goddamn Jackson Pollack painting and pierced so much that it takes DAYS for you to pass through airline security, UGH!)
Please NO bad grammar types.
Please NO haters of "South Park" or "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
Please NO lovers of the "Twilight" series or of vampires, in general.
Please NO women that consider themselves "juggalettes".
Please NO lovers of texting/instant messaging/emailing as your only form of communication.
Please NO huge gamer types.
Please NO lovers of "permanent makeup" (i.e.: WHAT in THE HELL happened to your eyebrows?!)
Please NO women from Utah (This one is negotiable if you're NOT a typical Utah woman. Incidentally, I AM from Utah but truly feel like a stranger in a strange land.

There. That about covers it. Please reply with a picture, some charm and the words "GO MIKE GO" in your subject line so I know you read this and aren't goddamn spam. Thank you!"

Man that phone is old. You know you can pick up a phone for under 20 bucks just about anywhere these days. There are these new cool phones that don't even use cords. Think it's magic or something.

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