Sunday, October 30, 2011

best dating quiz ever!

No, not at all actually.

Quiz Guy says: "I had some doubts about meeting someone decent on Craigslist, but I thought I'd check it out. The women4men section yielded nothing worth responding to. Now I did notice someone had a quiz. It was lame so I didn't answer. I made my own:

1. First things first, what's your excuse for being here?

a. Sheer entertainment. But the post was interesting so I had to respond.

b. Sheer entertainment. The post was interesting and I had to respond, but I have no intent in ever meeting you.

b. I can't con anyone into going out with me in real life.

c. I can't find anyone to go out with in real life, because every guy I have run into is the same, typical, sacramento-area asshat.

d. I can't find anyone to go out with in real life because I am a pretentious twit.

e. Who needs an excuse to be here? In fact, once we do meet, I will enthusiastically announce to everyone this is where we met!

Our answer is: To make fun of you and others like you. Also, you put "b." twice dipwad.

2. How long does it take you to get ready for work?

a. Work? As in, a job? Not applicable!

b. 10 minutes. I barely even brush my teeth. Brushing the top row is good enough. (Does anyone really do that?)

c. 11-90 minutes.

d. 90+ minutes. I have to look good... gotta have SOME way to compensate for my mediocre work performance.

Our answer is: This is a stupid question.

3. What is your educational level?

a. High school

b. GED (Good Enough Diploma!)

c. Bachelors

d. Masters

e. PhD, JD, MD, etc. (but I am not a dork)

f. PhD, JD, MD, etc. (and yes, I am better than you for it.)

Our answer is: c. BS in piratry. We've got the "Aaarrggh" to prove it.

4. What is your occupational status?

a. None, still in school.

b. Still in school, but have a job, thus I have no time to actually hang out with you.

c. Still in school, have a job, and still have time to hang out with you because hey, who needs sleep?

d. No more teachers, no more books. I work.

e. I work and it is my life.

f. I have a sugar-daddy. But he's too old to take care of *some* things if you know what I mean, so that's why I'm on Craigslist.

g. I got laid off. Thanks George W. Bush.

h. I'm on welfare and love it. Thanks Bill Clinton.

i. Unemployed trust fund baby!

Our answer is: It doesn't matter because we don't want to hang out with you. Ever.

5. How do you like your job?

a. Eh, It pays the bills, because we don't all have a sugar-daddy, welfare, or trust fund.

b. It sucks, and I will make sure you hear about it

c. It sucks, but it's a means to an end, and how I spend the rest of my time keeps me sane.

d. It's a good job. I think I make the world a better place.

e. It's a good job. Selling cocaine makes the world a better place.

f. It's my dream job.

Our answer is: e. and f.

6. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?

a. Go out? As in, have a social life? Not applicable!

b. 10 minutes. I'm secretly a man.

c. 11-90 minutes.

d. 90+ minutes. And you will wait, and like it, because that is just the beginning of my high maintenance regime. Wait 'til you see the purse I have purchased to carry my fu-fu fluffy ass dog in.

Our answer is: b. and d. Because we're secretly a high maintenance man.

7. On that note, what kind of pets do you have?

a. Pets? No thanks, I'm allergic.

b. None, I live in a place with a totalitarian management regime that prohibits any animal companionship.

c. One cat. That's all I need.

d. One small dog. I have to have something to put in my dog purse.

e. One large dog. Because I have possible underlying insecurity issues.

f. Multiple cats. Cat lady in training, hell yes.

g. Multiple dogs. Because I love spending hours repairing/restoring the furniture destroyed in my house.

Our answer is: A faithful parrot. Every pirate has a parrot. It's a requirement of the BS program in piratry.

8. What are you looking for in a guy?

a. A guy? As in, a male? Sorry, lesbian here. Not applicable!

b. Anyone NOT like my ex.

c. Hmm, not sure, I play things by ear and determine compatibility as I meet people.

d. I have a long list of requirements for a guy. See above answer about my being a pretentious twit.

Our answer is: Must be an adept at swabbing a deck. Speaking pirate is a plus.

9. What is your ideal vacation?

a. Who needs a vacation when you don't have a job!

b. Vacation? Who has time for a vacation?

c. My job is a vacation.

d. Going to Grandma's in Altoona.

e. Going to the beach to catch up on reading and catch some melanoma.

f. Going to another country.

g. Going on some outdoor expedition trip. I like vacations that leave me more exhausted than I was before I left.

h. Going on a humanitarian mission because someone, somewhere needs 1000 pairs of shoes dropped off in their village.

Our answer is: b. Coke addicts never take a break from needing coke. Ugly things could happen if we took a vacation.

10. What kind of music do you like?

a. Music? Who has time for music? (Can anyone be too busy for music? It kind of does all the work for you. Being dead is the only excuse for this. Rotting doesn't leave a lot of time for other activities.)

b. Stuff you have never heard of. Because I'm on the cutting edge of what's good.

c. Stuff you have never heard of. I make sure to listen to that, because it makes me feel like I'm better than everyone else.

d. Whatever's on the radio. I'm not picky.

e. Whatever I can download illicitly for free.

f. I MAKE music. And I'm damn good.

g. I make music, and I'm not that good, but I can definitely rock it with a didgeridoo.

Our answer is: 70's Porn Music.

11. What do you do to keep healthy?

a. Ummm what?

b. Work out incessantly. I vill break you.

c. Work out enough, but definitely don't have veins popping out of my forearms.

d. Who needs to work out when you have these genes!

e. Who needs to work out when you never eat?

f. I don't have time for that crap.

g. I have a gym membership, and I will start using it soon. I know that was my New Year resolution in 2008, but I mean it this time.

Our answer is: Coke and orgies do the trick.

12. What are your thoughts on religion?

a. It's a crutch for people who can't think for themselves.

b. It's something I was raised with, but don't give a damn about now. Pun intended.

c. I go to church every week. Sometimes more than once. In fact, I'm late for it right now. Praise tha lawd.

d. I only go to church on major holidays, because I know "God" will forgive me for not going more often, so why bother?

e. I am spiritual but not religious, because I have things figured out and don't need someone preaching it.

f. I belong to a religion you've never heard of. But we did have a compound in Waco, Texas a while back....

Our answer is: c.

13. You and I take a trip to BeverageLand. It's 5 p.m. What do you get?

a. Water. I'm a square.

b. A sports drink. Because I don't realize that those are only for physical activity lasting 45 minutes or longer....

c. Juice.

d. Tea. Honest Tea.

e. Coffee. Caffeine addicts, unite!

f. A pint of pilsner. I was Bavarian in a past life.

g. A pint of Guinness. I was Irish in a past life.

h. A shot of vodka. I was Polish in a past life.

i. A glass of Absinthe. I just watched Eurotrip and just have to see what all the fuss is about.

j. A fruity, girl drink that contains more sugar than alcohol.

Our answer is: Something strong to help you seem interesting.

14. Can you cook?

a. Do ramen noodles count?

b. No, but I will do the dishes if you do.

c. No. Cooking would mean getting my hands dirty. Ew.

d. Yes. But I'm terrible, though you will be expected to pretend to like it.

e. Yes, it's my job!

f. Yes, but I can only bake desserts. I realize that does you no good except having something to bring to holiday office parties.

g. Yes, and I would make that Rachael Ray tramp cower in fear of my casseroles.

Our answer is: You best cook for your damn self and clean the dishes.

15.How are you in the bedroom?

a.The way you ride a thouroughbread should be copied by every woman that wants to keep a man.

b.You give the best oral in the world your mouth brings more pleasure than any one man can handle and u like doing it.

c.You give good oral but you dont like to do it only if the guy is lucky.

d.Your nothing but a mammal and you just like to be bent over like they do on the discovery channel.

e. you like girls also and your against the saying that 3 is a crowd
f.You failed kindergarten and you dont want to share.

Our answer is: You're a douche.

16. Can you dance?

a. Are you kidding? White girls can't dance!

b. Only when severely intoxicated.

c. Yes, but I only do it when no one is around. Though I admittedly gawk at myself in the mirror while doing it a la Footloose.

d. Yes, especially at raves, while sucking on a glowstick and popping *E.

e. Yes, I would make the cut for Dancing With the Stars, but they once paired me with David Hasselhoff's hairy chest so that was the end of that.

Our answer is: We can dance.  <--right click and open in a new tab.

17. What kind of first date is ideal?

a. Anything involving food.

b. A movie, because having an actual conversation is entirely overrated.

c. Coffee. I will have my laptop and sudoku puzzles with me in case things get lame.

d. Beer. Football. Tailgate. What more could one ask for?

e. Anything with an adrenaline rush.

f. None of the above. I answered before that I wasn't meeting you, so get the hint already. For whatever reason I wanted to continue answering this quiz because I have no life.

Our answer is: Wrestling gators. You get to go first.

There. That's all I can think of at the moment. Feel free to add your own creative answers if mine don't work for you. Go ahead and attach a picture too, because I'm not a fan of surprises... like facial hair on a woman."

Here's a recent picture. The lighting wasn't very flattering....

*Studs of Craigslist does not sell or condone the selling of illegal substances. All answers are made up. Photograph provided does not belong to Studs of Craigslist. It is of some other weirdo.

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