Wednesday, September 21, 2011

There are farm animals more domesticated than him

Quintessential Health and Fitness Nut says: "'Describe yourself.' Don't know about you but this is like trying to sketch the Grand Canyon on a Post-It note with a 10-inch paint roller. And for my next joke...!

The Question. Why am I here? B/c I refuse to play the Dating Game, an unwritten code of rote dialogue and behavior which most people know and blindly obey. A manchild tells a woman exactly what she wants to hear and six months later she racks her brain wondering why he's 'changed'. I don't want to sleep alone, but I will have my self-respect. And coffee. Can't forget that.

Besides, sex is better with two people (Can't argue with that).

By age 35, you can traverse the adult dating universe and stop at every planet along the way. You become so independent and self-aware it's medically abnormal. You know what you can and can't give, what you will and won't put up with, and you know EXACTLY what you want, don't want and everything else is bullsh- cough! I've had lots of time to think and wean myself off things that some people can't take a pi$$ without. At this point there's only one thing I can't do to or for myself. A-HEM. No expectations here but if you just want to talk, call your Mom. I'm happy to meet your needs - provided I meet mine, too. We're ALL human (Some are actually swamp creatures, but okay...).

A fit or youthful single Mom or 40ish-50ish woman is sexier than ANY 20 y. o.. Period. I would elaborate here but a paragraph that long would crash the server.

When I was 12, my then-46 y. o. teacher said, "Morgan, some day you'll make some 40 y. o. woman very happy." I was an odd child and not much has changed. (So your teacher use to touch your privates? hmmm, interesting)

I am a calm, focused person raised by strong, intelligent women in an ultra-authentic environment. An excellent shrink and 4 years in the Marines didn't hurt either. Zero BS Past This Point. No bragging, begging, manipulating, small talk, chest-pounding, competing, drama or fighting. This bores and perplexes some people and downright irritates a few more. That's Ok. They'll live.

I'm a man, not a woman (Whew...we were worried about that. These days you can never be too sure). I don't act, talk, or think like a woman. If you want a man that does, go to a drag show.

I'm not bubbly, smooth, prim, proper, or polished. There are farm animals more domesticated than me (Good to know). I would rather drink strychnine than go to a party, but if I must, show me to the food and wake me up when it's over.

I've never talked much. Everything is what it is. Why discuss it? Besides, that's your job. (Nice...)
Meet the quintessential health and fitness nut. Lifelong habit. I'm not Lance Armstrong but he doesn't have much on me. Weights, running, aerobics, vitamins, sea salt, moisturizers and TONS of stretching; nobody wants to get old. I don't care if you don't exercise, but if it's obvious that you don't, thanks for stopping by.

I've taught yoga, tutored, sold insurance. Marines '94-'98. I now remodel and flip foreclosed homes. Much of my adult life resembles an episode of 'Dirty Jobs.' I looooove work and rank it right behind oxygen, food and you-know-what.

Life's short, we all have agendas and only birds of a feather flock together. I'm not here for a pen pal, beauty queen, drinkin' buddy, Sugar Momma, shrink, life coach, or Mary Kay rep. Me man, you woman, and we're not in 6th grade anymore. I don't care what's in your IPOD. Last time I checked it's about treatment... affection... chemistry... hormones. . . affection. . . love languages... hormones. . . affection... affection. . . I dunno.

I figure we're all looking for the same things, just in a different order and proportion. I seek a woman for what only a woman can provide: chemistry, company, and affection (Reads: Vagina). Wise, humble, good-humored and warm-blooded.

Thank you for the compliments on my funny and witty profile. Enough already. I'm looking for you and me, same place, same time, same bat channel, same bat agenda.

Here's what's in it for you: Honest and direct conversation; free yard work and home repair; sincere compliments; laughing; listening; teasing; hopping and skipping; hand-holding, hugging, kissing, massaging, petting and cuddling. If that turns you on, yippee skippy. If not... I can also make that popping sound with my mouth and thumb (He's got something for everybody)."

Other phrases include "Shut up, the TV's on" and "Get me a cold one".

 Requires 12 cans of beer.
 *Beer not included.

*Photo edited by Studs of Craigslist*

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